Eternal Sunshine #112

The Dining Dead -
The Eternal Sunshine Movie Reviews

For the time being I am reserving this section for exceptional films, or films we see in theaters. I will also mention films that I backed on Kickstarter or other places, once I get to see them, and films made by some of my friends or acquaintances. So some months there will be no Dining Dead section.

I actually have a number of films I’ll be reviewing soon, including a few I hoped might appear in this issue: The Chair, Accidental Incest, A Dog Named Gucci, a newly-restored version of River of Grass, and others. A couple of these I already have on hand. But as of right now the only two I have had time to watch are found below.

Kickstarter Film Review – Life is Cheap: Do you only enjoy the best in cinema? If you limit yourself to classic Film Noir, or the latest art house release, or even only big blockbusters like the Marvel Comics films, you can go ahead and skip this review.

Life is Cheap is NOT a film for everyone. It’s actually not a film for most people. But if you’re a fan of John Waters, if you like the most vile of Troma films, and if you’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing Wayne Wang’s “Life is Cheap…But Toilet Paper is Expensive” (which may be where they got the title for Life is Cheap from) then Life is Cheap might be worth your time.

The DVD box is a good indicator of what I am talking about. “Vomit, Blood, Feces…and Fun!!” Even the UK-required “18 – Not to be supplied to any person below that age” has been edited to say “Suitable only for pervs & weirdos.”

While the story itself can become quite confused and non-cohesive, with some characters appearing briefly for little or no reason, the description on the box actually summarizes thins rather accurately. With a few edits by me: “All is going well for Joeby the toilet cleaner. But when his boss discovers his shit collecting habits, he gets the sack and must face the wrath of his fly-spray-sniffing brothel madame mother Babs and their deformed child of incest “Bubbles.” To make matters worse, Babs’ chainsaw-wielding prison girlfriend Donna is planning a breakout and has it in for him.”

This is a low budget poor-man’s Pink Flamingos, in a way. Joeby isn’t just obsessed with feces; he is also somewhat of a mental defective. He is sort of a cross between a Gumby from Monty Python and Neil from the TV series “The Young Ones.” There’s a wonderfully awful scene where he dresses in a half-cape, pours talc all over himself, inserts fangs in his mouth and announces “I am Dracula” before singing a manic song about how you can be Dracula too.

Plenty of thick accents, people screaming over each other (sort of your worst nightmare if you live in an apartment complex), sexual and bathroom humor…I don’t what else to say about this movie. Heather hated it, but then again she couldn’t understand a single word anybody said. I thought it was hilarious, but it isn’t for the faint of heart or the easily offended.

As of right now I have no idea how or where you can buy this movie. It may be available somewhere in the UK but it isn’t on Amazon and isn’t even listed on IMDB. So perhaps you’ll forever be denied the experience that is Life is Cheap. If I get any updated information I will certainly pass it on.

Film Review – Seven Dorms of Death: According to Enid in “Ghost World” there are three kinds of bad: bad, so bad it’s good, and so bad it’s gone past good and come all the way around to bad again. With Seven Dorms of Death, director Richard Marr and writer Matthew Jason Walsh attempt a death-defying feat: make a parody of the last category, and in the process bring it all the way around to good again.

At first blush you might not realize how difficult that goal is to reach. Shows like Mystery Science Theatre 3000 took the worst of the worst in cinema and merely made it fun to watch by cracking jokes along the way. And clearly making a terrible movie isn’t very hard; studios have been doing it for decades. But to make a movie so bad that it’s good on purpose is probably harder than making a good one in the first place. After all, humor is a very subjective and elusive thing; you need to go just far enough – or a step too far – but no more. And even though you’re trying to be stupid and unskilled and just plain awful, you have to do it intelligently. The whole process is as contradictory as the realization that to inoculate yourself against a disease you must inject yourself with the very disease you wish to avoid.

As their target, Marr and Walsh selected the early 80’s horror genre, one that flooded the pre-Blockbuster video stores and local UHF stations that suddenly were syndicated by early cable TV. I’m not talking about the Shot on Video films with $500 budgets, or the wide-release slasher films. No, here I mean the mind-numbing movies so bad they quickly found their way to the television horror shows, and later to USA Network’s “Up All Night” (where Gilbert Gottfried’s pre and post-commercial bits were 100 times better than the piece of crap you were watching).

Not satisfied with just the genre, they also decided to wrap the movie with a Count Floydesque horror host (but with less of the slapstick), Baron Von Blah (played with gusto by Michael Thurber). We join his “Celluloid Crypt” as they are to begin showing their second and final feature of the evening, the awful Seven Dorms of Death. Because this is a “restored” copy of the film from a recovered VHS tape, we’ll be subjected to occasional channel changes, previews of coming attractions (which you can find on Youtube and enjoy for yourself in extended format), 80’s-era local business commercials, poor reception, and some behind-the-scenes conversations between the Baron and his crew. But that’s all part of the fun (for us, anyway).

Seven Dorms of Death brings us to a small college in New England, where the drama department is preparing to put on a play. Unfortunately, the last time (and only time) this particular play was put into production, the college’s auditorium burned down and the entire cast and crew were killed. But that was over 100 years ago, and the head of the Drama Department has no fears that any such catastrophe will stop his production.

There isn’t a lot of mystery about where we’re all headed; the opening murder scene is a combination of horrific acting, stunted dialogue, and a ski-mask-clad killer armed with a potato peeler who is suffering from a loud and heavy cough none of the characters seem to notice. That first killing also reveals we’re to expect confused and unbelievable special effects common in the genre, where close-ups of killings have little similarity to the longer shots. Wound locations change or disappear, blood goes from a tidal wave to a few drops, and the screams or moans of victims bear no resemblance to the movement of their mouths.

The characters are a line-up of the usual 1980’s suspects, but mashed together to allow multiple clichés in a limited cast. We have the flamboyant professor and director of the play, the sexually-active Geri-curled male lead and his bouncy girlfriend (who is never seen without her Walkman), the drug-using Karate Kid-looking stagehand, the shy glasses-wearing clumsy virgin who has psychic visions, the long-haired Satan worshipper, the jock (except in this case the jock appears to be in his 50’s and has suffered a previous coma), and the crotchety old janitor who warns everyone about the death curse the play is under. And soon we meet the two police detectives who are committed to solve the mystery before there are any more deaths (including Aaron Andrade in delicious full-blown overacting mode as Vargas). There’s even a Pulitzer-prize-winning female journalist who claims to be as strong and independent as Bonnie Franklin but sounds like a classic 1940’s male reporter from any random black and white film.

The humor is a mixture of in your face and hilariously subtle. Corpses keep breathing. Heads change from flesh to mannequin and back again with each cut of the film (as do popsicles and other little genius touches). Strings and fishing line are blatantly attached to props. Scenes end in mid-sentence of continue past the shouting director’s “cut!” Guns never need to be reloaded. Booms appear and disappear from the shot at will. It’s the kind of multi-layered fun I enjoy in comedies from Drop Dead Gorgeous to Chasing Amy to the Christopher Guest company films…every time you watch them you discover a little something you haven’t seen before. I really think I’ll find that to be true with Seven Dorms of Death.

If you’ve ever enjoyed (or been subjected to) the 1981 Clint Howard film Evilspeak you’ll have a good idea what this movie makes fun of, and has fun with. From the nonsensical use of an early PC to translate satanic verse (another plot point also used in Seven Dorms of Death) to characters that act with no logic or motivation, Seven Dorms of Death has it all. But instead of being terrible, here it is hilarious. On IMDB, one of Evilspeak’s listed “Goofs” perfectly describes the kind of things you’ll be laughing at. “Obvious dummies in a number of gore scenes, the dummies' bodies and body parts are often different colors and sizes than the actors' real bodies. Most obvious is the dummy used in the opening decapitation scene. The actress's breasts change size and her nipple and skin color changes before she is beheaded.” But Seven Dorms of Death always tries to take things a little beyond what the worst movies did.

I could go on and on with the iconic 80’s-era horror film clichés thrown in. There’s the awful synth music (even from the devil-worshipping heavy metal band). We have countless obligatory references to Judas Priest. Impossible timelines that would make Dr. Who shudder. There are leg warmers, in and out of the shower, and on male and female characters. And characters announcing their actions and motivations aloud like some of the worst of modern Broadway musicals.

I do wonder just how difficult this movie was to make. Clearly the cast and crew are having fun with what they’re doing, but it seems to me that it can be rather difficult to be awful on purpose. Jill Poisson’s DP work is a tribute to her skill; to be able to make a good shot look exactly like a bad shot - while still having it be a good shot – seems complicated enough to make your head spin. The whole process must have been like driving on the wrong side of the road. But they pull it off.

It’s not ALL fun and games, though. I don’t want to put any spoilers in here, but I will say I never expected the real killer would be the person it turned out to be. I won’t even tell you if it was a male or female character. But it was a plot twist I never saw coming, and to go to the trouble to work things out in the plot so perfectly while surrounding the film with madcap humor must have been just as difficult as the direction and camera work. And to follow that up with even another major twist for our heroes just when you think the movie is ending was a stroke of brilliance.

I admit I am a big fan of Richard Marr and the Scorpio Films Releasing catalog. But I became a fan because of the films, whether it was the unforgettable Disco Exorcist (now finally available in Blu-Ray), the hilarious Nun of That, the creepy Beyond the Norwich Horror or the surreal Exhumed. So don’t let me prior appreciations of his work dissuade you from giving Seven Dorms of Death a try. Make some popcorn, perhaps prepare an adult beverage or two, and sit back ready to laugh.

You can order your copy direct from Scorpio Films at http://scorpiofilmreleasing.squarespace.com/dvds/

Meet Me In Montauk
The Eternal Sunshine Letter Column

Jim Burgess - First, a I loved dancing to Nemesis and screaming these lyrics back at the speakers.....

Priests and cannibals, prehistoric animals

Everybody's happy as the dead come home

Big black nemesis, parthenogenesis

No one move a muscle as the dead come home

The 80's really were impossible. Luckily for the 1990's, I have all my TAP summaries where I really focused in on what the smaller number of essential albums were.

PS You still really both SUCK totally and ROCK absolutely for making us do this!!! You really should stab, garrote, and then guillotine anyone who doesn't comply!

[[That would include a LOT of people.]]

The Best Albums in History - By Decade

The 1960’s or 1970’s or 1980’s – Any Leftovers

Nada submitted.

The 1990’s – First Set of Five

Doug Kent - Depeche Mode - Violator

The Prodigy - The Fat of the Land

Alanis Morisette - Jagged Little Pill

REM - Automatic for the People

Live - Throwing Copper

Robert Lesco - Combustible Edison - I, Swinger

Suited the times well, wearing the influence of Juan Garcia Esquivel, Martin Denny and Les Baxter, all of whom were being rediscovered that decade, on its sleeve.

Donald Fagan - Kamikiriad

Next best thing to a new Steely Dan album.

Pizzacato 5 - Made In USA

A love letter (or maybe a wolf whistle) from the Japanese duo to American pop culture.

They Might Be Giants - Flood

and while I'm at it

They Might Be Giants - Apollo 18

A bit of a novelty in that it was designed to be played using the random function on those new-fangled CD players but it works and it is very well crafted.

Andy Lischett - 1. Beethoven Symphonies Nos. 5 & 7, the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra conducted by Carlos Klieber. This is my favorite recording of (perhaps) the two best pieces of music ever written. Back when submitting 1970's albums you said I could use this for the '90s - when it came out as a CD combining both symphonies - even though the original vinyl LPs were in '75 & '76. So I am.

For inspiration I went to Rolling Stone's top 100 albums of the '90's even though Rolling Stone can be pretty snobby. Lots of the names I've never heard of, lots I've heard of but not heard, and some are old-timers I've heard but never especially cared for. I was, however, reminded of...

2. Reload by Metallica. I've never heard any Metallica album but like the song Fuel as heard at the beginning of a Dodge commercial.

The next was recommended to me by a Cheescake reader back in 2003 when I bought a car with a CD player.

3. Car Wheels on a Gravel Road by Lucinda Williams. I like the song Jackson.

Joshua Danker-Dake - Therion, “Theli” – A competent but relatively uninteresting death metal band transitions into an operatic metal outfit unlike anything else out there.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvIW2dVv8GU

Saviour Machine, “Saviour Machine I” – Bowie-influenced Christian goth/prog. Their most guitar-driven album. These guys almost single-handedly got me through high school.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2tfq149rBE

Angra, “Angels Cry” – Power/prog metal from Brazil. This album’s also got the best metal cover of Kate Bush you’re liable to find anywhere.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nn7y5ShTWWU

Blind Guardian, “Somewhere Far Beyond” – Rambunctious fantasy-themed German power metal with a complex sound and a remarkable vocalist.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IAT06unls8

Stavesacre, “Absolutes” – One of the few non-metal albums you’re going to get out of me. I guess post-punk/post-hardcore would be what the cool kids are calling this sort of thing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvIZnHCUJTs

Larry Peery - The 1990s were not a particularly good time for classical music recordings unless you were tired of the same old, same old warhorses from the ‘60s – ‘80s. If you were looking for something new and different then the ‘90s were for you . I suspect the driving force behind this was two-fold: 1) the retirement of a lot of famous conductors from the vinyl era; and 2) the emergence of the new CD era. Among my favorites from a limited menu were: Robert Shaw and the Atlanta Symphony’s recording of Vaughan Williams Dona Nobis Pacem (Vaughan Williams is one of my favorite composers of all time.); Leonard Slatkin and various musical forces from Washington, DC, in John Corigliano’s “Of Rage and Remembrance” (Corigliano’s a well-respected composer but he never achieved the kind of status that Ives , Copland or Berstein did.); Pierre Boulez and the Cleveland Symphony for Debussys La Mer and other works (Debussy’s blood must flow in Boulez’s veins. The two just go together. I was lucky to hear Boulez conduct the LA Philharmonic years ago in an all French composers concert. I can’t hear the music any more but I can still feel it.); Leonard Bernstein and the Berlin Philharmonic in Mahler’s Symphony No. 9 (Great conductor and great orchestra but I confess I’m not a great Mahler fan. Not as good as Horenstein’s much older or Abbado’s much newer recording.); Leonard Bernstein conducts his own opera “Candide” with a cast that includes June Anderson, Nicolai Gedda, Jerry Hadley, Christa Ludwig and the LSO (Depending on my mood at the moment I either love or hate “Candide. This is an interesting cast and hearing Gedda and Ludwig is always a treat.). I have to admit the ‘90s were a great decade for Bartok lovers and the recording companies responded by cranking out multiple versions of just about everything he ever wrote. Alas, I’m no Bartok fan.

Steve Cooley - As may be obvious, this was the decade in which rock music (for the most part) left me. I was not a fan of the Seattle Sound, nor of rap. I had avoided country like the plague until the late 80’s and I began exploring it with some zeal in the 90’s. If I had a nickel for every time I listened to “Closing Time” by Foster, I’d have retired early.

Still, U2’s Achtung Baby was far and away the best album of the decade. It would be one of my “deserted island” albums for sure.

Nobody’s Child: Romanian Angel Appeal, Misc. (more for what it represents and the heartache of seeing all those children in orphanages--unforgettable)

Wildflowers, Tom Petty

I Still Believe in You, Vince Gill

Automatic for the People, REM

Echo, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Martin Burgdorf - 1990 the stranglers: 10

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQqeIKheDrI

The last record by the stranglers before HUGH CORNWELL left. It was issued some months after 9 by PiL. One could say the stranglers as a band deserve 10 out of 10 points, and PiL maybe 9.

1991 the aints: ascension

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYxW_S2IZ4w

Bandleader was Edmund Küpper, and in the beginning they played old Saints material. Their two studio albums, however, had only new songs. This is a record that one should play loud.

1992 the Monochrome Set: "Charade"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CmICXMEFtY

The guitarist, Lester Square, and Adam Ant attended the same art school at the same time. The singer, Bid, was a childhood friend of Andy Warren, bassist with Adam and the Ants. Why Adam and the Ants became much more famous than the Monochrome Set, I don't know.

1993 radiohead: Pablo HONEY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVCoEltG9Pk&list=PLhhPEnFZoJJ2uPo8HU_kdbDIExrtdJpjy

This is one of the weaker albums by radiohead, but there were not many other records in 1993 I could have chosen. It contains the greatest hit of the band, Creep.

1994 KILLING JOKE: PANDEMONIUM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2sttBzip-8

After "Extremities, Dirt and Various Repressed Emotions" the band did not release a new album for several years. Then the bass player, Big Paul, was replaced by Youth, and PANDEMONIUM was recorded, one of the band's best CDs. A great exercise in techno-metal.

Rick Desper - 1. Nevermind - Nirvana

the best album from the best group of the era.

2. Flood - They Might Be Giants

a personal favorite, I favor it slightly over Lincoln. Has my fav songs Particle Man and Birdhouse in Your Soul

3. Play - Moby

I'm generally dismissive of electronic music but I like this one

4. Dookie - Green Day

Caught my mood at the time.

Picking a 5th is tough - I feel a dropoff at this point. Fatboy Slim? Sinead? The Offspring? Alanis? I could still use REM, though I feel that their earlier music was better. Pearl Jam? I also like Counting Crows. Gah - none of these is jumping ahead of the rest.

FYI – The only people who are up-to-date with all their selections from the 60’s through their first 5 of the 90’s are myself, Martin Burgdorf, Steve Cooley, Joshua Danker-Dake, and Robert Lesco.

Deadline for the second set of 5 Albums from the 1990’s is May 30th at 7:00am my time! Feel free to include comments in your own choices, or on anyone else’s! Or just get your ass in gear and catch up if you are behind.

Where in the World is Kendo Nagasaki?

Round 1

Hint to Person Closest to Me:

You know who I am. Your island location and my island location are within 500 miles of each other. We both seem to issue a lot of topical stamps. I think topical stamps are our best export, since they couldn’t be used for much mail delivery around here. We don’t issue as many as Sierra Leone, but then again nobody does, do they?

Deadline for Round 11 is May 30th at 7am My Time

“Bailout” by Neil Barofsky

Reviewed by Paul Milewski

These are the memoirs of Barofsky’s tenure as the first Special Investigator General of the Troubled Asset Relief Program (“TARP”) from December 2008 to March 2011. He spares no details. He beats you over the head with them. I found his consistent reference to things as “banks” that you don’t ordinarily think of as being banks to be confusing, but you get used to it.

[Page 24]

The initial TARP proposal, made by Paulson [Secretary of the Treasury, who before that was CEO of Goldman Sachs], was for the money to be used to buy large quantities of the “troubled” or “toxic” mortgages and mortgage-related bonds that were clogging so many banks’ balance sheets; hence the name Troubled Asset Relief Program. The sharp decline in the value of those assets, starting in 2007, was what had precipitated the crisis, and the argument was that the banks could not be stabilized until large quantities of them were taken off their books.

[Pages 26, 27]

…On October 12, 2008, Treasury put $125 billion of taxpayer money into nine of the largest banks [Bank of America, Citigroup, Wells Fargo, JPMorgan Chase, State Street, Morgan Stanley, Merrill Lynch, and Goldman Sachs]…

…Geithner [at the time President of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, later Secretary of the Treasury]…later confirmed that he had made no judgment as to whether the first nine banks were actually healthy or not.

[Page 27]

The truth was that there was no real focus…on either increasing lending or helping home owners avoid foreclose…

Representative David Scott, a Democrat, probably best summed up the anger in Congress…:

We have been lied to; the American people have been lied to. We have been bamboozled; they came to us to ask for money for one thing, then used it for another. They said we would have oversight, and no oversight is in place. We have given those banks $290 billion [in about a 43-day period] for the sole purpose of so-called buying these toxics. They change it, and all of a sudden now they are not lending it but using it for acquisitions, using it for salaries. These are lies. We have been bamboozled.

[Page 45]

A few days earlier, Congress’s $14 billion rescue package for the automakers had died in the Senate, and the past Friday the White House had announced that it was considering using TARP funds instead. The Republicans largely opposed the bailout, with future Speaker of the House John Boehner describing the congressional proposal as asking “taxpayers to further subsidize a business model that is failing to meet the needs of the American workers and consumers.” Similarly, Senator Shelby explained his view that “unless Chrysler, Ford and General Motors become lean and innovative and competitive in the market place, this is only delaying their funeral.”

Paulson told us that GM and Chrysler would almost certainly have to declare bankruptcy by the end of the year without assistance, and he confirmed that he planned to use TARP to rescue them.

[Pages 49-50]

The bill explicitly gave Treasury the authority to purchase “troubled assets” from “financial institutions,” so the breadth of Treasury’s authority depended on the definition of those two terms. If defined narrowly, Treasury would’ve been restricted to only buying a small range of assets and making those purchases only from banks. But as I reread the full text that evening, I saw that the definition of “troubled assets” included not only bank-related assets but also “any other financial instrument that the Secretary” deemed necessary to buy in order to “promote financial market stability.” In other words, a “troubled asset” could be just about anything, as long as Paulson (and later Geithner, who had already been named by the incoming President as his choice for Treasury Secretary) declared to Congress that its purchase was “necessary.” Remarkably, the definition of a “financial institution” was even broader, including “any institution” that is “established and regulated under the laws of the United States or any State.”

[Page 109, 110]

As an employee at an international organization [the International Monetary Fund (“IMF”) from 2001 to 2003], his payroll taxes hadn’t been withheld from his paycheck; instead the IMF had paid Geithner directly both his and the IMF’s payroll tax contributions and provided him with forms indicating that he should forward those payments to the IRS. Geithner had instead kept the payments, which was discovered during an IRS audit of him in 2006. The statute of limitations for that type of offense was generally three years, which meant that at the time of the audit, Geithner was on the hook only for 2003 and 2004. He paid the taxes for 2003 and 2004 but kept the rest. Prior to formally announcing his nomination, the Obama transition team made sure that Geithner paid the amounts for 2001 and 2002 as well.

It was when I heard the second part of the story that I began to have some concern. Geithner’s explanation as to why, after being caught by the IRS in 2006, he had paid only for the years for which the statute of limitations had not run out (2003-2004), didn’t seem credible to me. Senator Grassley had submitted what are called questions for the record to Geithner during his confirmation process asking for an explanation, and in response he had written,

“At the conclusion of the 2006 audit, I was told what I owed and I paid that amount. It did not occur to me to file amended returns for 2001 and 2002. In November 2008, as part of the transition team vetting process, the errors I made in 2001 and 2002 were drawn to my attention, and I decided it was appropriate to correct the error.”

[Page 139]

The Wall Street fiction that certain financial executives were preternaturally gifted supermen who deserved every penny of their staggering paychecks and bonuses was firmly ingrained in Treasury’s psyche. No matter that the financial crisis had demonstrated just how unremarkable the work of those executives had turned out to be, that belief system endured at Treasury across administrations. If a Wall Street executive was contracted to receive a $6.4 million “retention” bonus, the assumption was that he must be worth it.

[Page 127]

We heard some shouting and looked up [at the TV] to hear Rick Santelli, a CNBC anchor, in midrant against the new TARP mortgage modification program. He described it as a plan for “losers” and compared it to Castro’s Cuba. At one point, he turned to the roaring traders on the floor of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange and asked, “How many of you people want to pay for your neighbor’s mortgage that has an extra bathroom and can’t pay their bills? Raise their hands.” Finally, in a phrase would change the landscape of conservative politics in the country, “We’re thinking of having a Chicago tea party in July.”

Treasury, by rolling out a hurried and poorly thought out mortgage modification program, had just helped give birth to the Tea Party. Santelli’s rant, and the political movement it inspired, hung over the program for the rest of my time in Washington.

[Page 182]

When I asked my team for a breakdown of the [AIG] bonuses by position, I saw that although the overwhelming majority of the payments had gone to a small group of executives, every single employee at the Financial Products Group seemed to have received some payment, including $7,700 to a kitchen assistant, $700 to a file administrator, and $7,000 to a mail room assistant. Though I was skeptical that the executives were so essential, I was pretty sure that those lower-level employees receiving taxpayer-funded payments had nothing whatsoever to do with the supposedly complex work of resolving AIG’s positions.

[Page 183]

Even worse than the bonus payments, at least in terms of financial cost, was the subject of our other AIG audit, which exposed the reasons for Geithner’s agreement to effectively pay full [face] value to the banks for CDOs [credit default obligations] the government purchased from them. These beneficiaries included Société Générale ($16.5 billion in CDOs bought), Goldman Sachs ($14 billion), Deutsche Bank ($8.5 billion), Merrill Lynch ($6.2 billion), UBS ($4.3 billion), Wachovia ($1 billion), and Bank of America ($800 million).

[Page 217]

As a result of the consolidation of the financial industry, the largest banks had become significantly bigger, led by JPMorgan Chase, which grew by 36 percent, from $1.56 trillion in assets at the end of 2007 to $2.12 trillion at the end of 2010; Wells Fargo, which more than doubled in size to $1.26 trillion; and Bank of America, which grew by 32%, from $1.72 trillion to $2.27 trillion. As then Kansas City Fed President Thomas Hoenig explained, the banks had also somehow grown more powerful and had even “greater political influence than they had before the crisis.”

With a government guarantee made all but explicit by the bailouts, the executives of those institutions still enjoyed all of the short-term profits and benefits of taking outsized risks backstopped by the government. Worse still, the presumption of bailout made the banks more attractive to creditors, who continued to extend credit at prices that did not fully account for the risks that the banks were taking, and, as a result, failed to provide the necessary market discipline to reign [sic] in excessive risk-taking.

ZERO SUM³ Subzine to Eternal Sunshine Issue 13 (almost) 24 April 2016

Published by Richard Weiss. richardweiss@higherquality.com.

GM Musings:

No musings, only thanks to an incredible group of players who sent in orders. Thank you. And, I apologize, another death in the extended family this weekend gives me a cover for sloth all month.

ZeroSumCubed deadline for Issue 14 is THE SUNDAY BEFORE Doug’s deadline.

That is, before 8 AM, CA time, Sunday 29 May 2016. (I am presuming)

GAME OPENINGS:

On Hold

ONGOING GAMES SECTION

Eddie Chapman Intimate Diplomacy Germany (Harold Zarr Jr) vs. France (Doug Kent)

I will be contacting Harold and Doug no later than Thursday, to describe the current troop locations, SC’s held and not, countries controlled, and dollars in the bank.

Denis Donaldson Intimate Diplomacy: England (Jack McHugh) vs. Germany (Doug Kent)

Denis Donaldson, infiltrated the Sinn Féin on behalf the British government. He was found dead in his cottage after a Northern Ireland newspaper revealed this.

Both have orders in. The season will be adjudicated this week, with results sent to each by personal email.

PRESIDENTIAL BOURSE

I will send an update to all players in the next few days. There are only 5 candidates left. Input from all will be appreciated. How to proceed is the question? Simplest is go on from where we are now.

The Cathy and Pete Gaughan

Snowball Fighting Game.

Players:

Jim Burgess: [Two Balls]

John David Galt: [Brett Favre]

Mark Firth: [Max Splodgey]

Doug Kent: [Jack Frost]

Jack McHugh: JM

Andy York: [Teddy Wayne]

I have orders from all. Game will be adjudicated either Tuesday if the Primaries are settled relatively early or Wednesday with results to all.

Brain Farts: The Only Subsubzine With It’s Own Fragrance

By Jack “Flapjack” McHugh – jwmchughjr@gmail.com

(or just email Doug and he’ll send it to me)

Issue #78

First I want to give a big thank you to sweet Heather for forcing Sack to get me a great birthday present. I know they can’t really afford it right now but my needs come first. Then Heather’s. Sack’s are maybe 50^th on the list. Love you baby!

My social life has been a little more active, because I’ve been going on a few dates and meeting women through some online dating sites. I forgot what a pain in the ass women can be.

My last date said I was great. But because I didn’t agree that we should be at her grown kids beck and call we’re “not a good fit.”

The other night I was talking to some lady online and she said “you seem nice as long as you’re not a pervert interested in sex.”

So I said “you’re looking for a pervert NOT interested in sex? That’s a tall order…lol.”

And then she called me an asshole. So much for wanting someone with a sense of humor.

Oh, I forgot to give you my baseball picks last issue. NOT the Phillies. That’s really all I need to say since I don’t give a crap who wins if my team sucks. I just hope the Yankees suck too. May as well get ahead and predict the Eagles will suck this year too. No reason to wait for the last minute.

I am going to run a new game. Everybody who wants to play send me twenty dollars. Then I will randomly choose one of you and you’ll get a prize. It’s sort of like playing those games at the fair but without the heat and the crowds.

Since I’m on the subject, here are some dating images for you douchebags.

Game Openings

Diplomacy (Black Press): Signed up: Harold Zarr, Kevin Wilson, Zachary Jarvie, Ken Peel, need three more.

Modern Diplomacy (Black Press): Rules in this issue. Ten-player variant. No planes will be used, just armies and fleets. Signed up: Jack McHugh, Jim Burgess, John David Galt, Geoff Kemp, Harold Zarr. Needs five more. LAST CHANCE – NEED ANOTHER PLAYER THIS MONTH OR IT’S GONE!!

Where in the World is Kendo Nagasaki: Rules in issue #102. Send in your guesses. Prize for the winner? Probably! (Don’t forget to play in Richard Weiss’ subzine too!)

By Almost Popular Demand: Starts this issue. Join in! Same as BPD but the #1 answer gets zero points. Send in your guesses. Prize for the winner? Probably!

Hypothetical Questions: Just send in answers. Anybody can play at any time, just takes participation.

Avalon Hill’s Civilization: The AH game, likely with the western expansion if we get enough players or if we use the computer version (in which case computer players will fill all remaining slots). Signed up: Dick Martin, John David Galt, Andy York (non-computer version only), can take up to 7 more. You can get the computer program (already including the old necessary patches) at http://www.whiningkentpigs.com/alan/advciv.zip but you’ll need to search around for DosBox too to run it on most modern operating systems.

Roger Cox has volunteered to run one of these: Divine Right, Dune, Source of the Nile, Titan, or Cosmic Encounter. Contact me ASAP is you are interested in one or more of these games. So far we have interest in Dune and Source of the Nile.

Coming Soon – Colonia VII? Deviant Diplomacy? Kremlin? Make a suggestion or express interest!

Eternal Sunshine Game Section

Diplomacy, “Milk and Trash”, 2015A, S 06

Austria (Jack McHugh – jwmchughjr “of” gmail.com): A Budapest Supports A Vienna – Trieste,

F Constantinople Supports F Eastern Mediterranean - Smyrna (*Cut*), A Galicia – Bohemia,

A Sevastopol Supports A Ukraine – Rumania, A Ukraine – Rumania, A Vienna – Trieste, A Warsaw - Silesia.

England (Mark Firth – mogcate “of” me.com): A Armenia Supports F Smyrna,

F English Channel Supports F North Sea – Belgium, A Liverpool - Wales (*Fails*),

F London Supports F English Channel (*Cut*), F Mid-Atlantic Ocean Supports

F Spain(sc) - Western Mediterranean, F North Sea – Belgium, F Spain(sc) - Western Mediterranean.

France (Paul Milewski – paul.milewski “of” hotmail.com): F Wales - London (*Fails*).

Germany (Jim Burgess – jfburgess “of” gmail.com): ~~F Belgium Hold~~ (*Dislodged*, ret to Picardy

or Holland or OTB), A Berlin - Silesia (*Fails*), A Gascony – Spain, F Gulf of Bothnia Supports F St Petersburg(sc),

A Kiel - Berlin (*Fails*), A Marseilles Supports A Gascony – Spain, A Munich – Tyrolia,

A Piedmont Supports A Munich – Tyrolia, F St Petersburg(sc) Supports F Gulf of Bothnia.

Italy (John Biehl – jerbil “of” shaw.ca): F Adriatic Sea – Venice,

F Aegean Sea Supports F Eastern Mediterranean – Smyrna, A Bulgaria - Constantinople (*Bounce*),

F Eastern Mediterranean - Smyrna (*Fails*), F Gulf of Lyon Supports A Venice – Tuscany, A Venice – Tuscany,

~~F Western Mediterranean - Mid-Atlantic Ocean~~ (*Dislodged*, retreat to North Africa or Tunis or

Tyrrhenian Sea or OTB).

Russia (Kevin Wilson – ckevinw “of” comcast.net): A Prussia Supports A Warsaw - Silesia.

Turkey (John David Galt – jdg “of” diogenes.sacramento.ca.us): A Ankara - Constantinople (*Bounce*),

F Smyrna Supports A Ankara - Constantinople (*Cut*).

Deadline for F 06 is May 30th at 7am my time

PRESS

None. You guys suck.

Black Press Gunboat, “Noah’s Titanic”, 2015Arb32, F 06

Austria: A Livonia – Moscow, A Rumania Supports A Ukraine - Sevastopol (*Cut*), A Trieste Supports A Tyrolia,

A Tyrolia Supports A Trieste, A Ukraine - Sevastopol (*Fails*), A Warsaw Supports A Livonia - Moscow.

England: ~~Retreat F Edinburgh – North Atlantic Ocean~~ (Impossible, removed)..F North Atlantic Ocean –

Mid Atlantic Ocean (No Such Unit), F Irish Sea Supports F North Atlantic Ocean – Mid Atlantic Ocean (Fails),

F London Hold.

France: A Burgundy - Belgium (*Fails*), F Gulf of Lyon - Spain(sc), F Mid-Atlantic Ocean - English Channel,

A Picardy Supports A Burgundy – Belgium, A Piedmont - Marseilles.

Germany: F Belgium Supports F Norwegian Sea - North Sea (*Cut*), F Edinburgh Supports

F Norwegian Sea - North Sea, A Kiel – Holland, A Munich Supports A Ruhr, F Norwegian Sea - North Sea,

A Ruhr Supports F Belgium, A Silesia Hold, F St Petersburg(nc) Hold.

Italy: A Ankara Supports A Constantinople, F Apulia Supports A Venice, F Bulgaria(sc) Supports A Constantinople,

A Constantinople Supports F Bulgaria(sc), F Greece - Ionian Sea, A Rome Supports A Venice,

F Tunis - Western Mediterranean, A Venice Supports A Tyrolia.

Turkey: F Black Sea - Rumania (*Fails*), A Sevastopol - Moscow (*Fails*).

Deadline for W 06/S 07 will be May 30th at 7am My Time

Supply Center Chart

Austria: Budapest, Moscow, Rumania, Serbia, Trieste, Vienna, Warsaw=7, Build 1

England: Liverpool, London=2, Even

France: Brest, Marseilles, Paris, Portugal, Spain=5, Even

Germany: Belgium, Berlin, Denmark, Edinburgh, Holland, Kiel, Munich, Norway, St Petersburg,

Sweden=10, Build 2

Italy: Ankara, Bulgaria, Constantinople, Greece, Naples, Rome, Smyrna, Tunis, Venice=9, Build 1

Turkey: Sevastopol=1, Remove 1

PRESS

Player – GM: Whoever England is should be shot. Period.

Dateline Edinburgh: Joyous crowds of Scottish citizens welcomed German marines into Edinburgh today as the First German Fleet destroyed an English Fleet in a surprise attack in their base at Scapa Flow. Early reports indicated that the First Lord of the Admiralty was arrested and beheaded by the English monarch before he issue orders for the defense of the fleet, thus setting the stage for the successful attack.

Scottish citizens welcomed the German marines who in turn welcomed them into the German Empire as full citizens with rights and privileges previously unknown to the Scottish people. Said the Kaiser, “The dark days of English tyranny over these people have ended! They shall enjoy the full rights to prosperity and freedom denied to them by their English overloads. We welcome these industrious new citizens to our Empire!”

Dateline London: The mood on the street was somber as news of the German victory in Edinburgh spread among the population. The English monarch tried to blame the defeat as a result of a failure to order an adequate defense of the realm by the First Lord of the Admiralty, but word has spread that it was the precipitate action of the monarch that prevented an adequate defense from being prepared in the first place.

There are growing signs among the population that the heavy taxes imposed by the monarch for his lavish lifestyle, costly adventures in France and failure to protect the Kingdom is resulting in an undercurrent of rebellious thought and a view that becoming members of the German Empire might be a preferable alternative to their current situation. Word has spread that the former citizens of Scotland are now enjoying an economic boom the likes of which have never been seen previously.

The Kaiser, in an unconfirmed report has said that, if the citizens of London should desire a change in their leadership, he would ensure their protection and their property and see to it that economic progress enjoyed by Scotland would be enjoyed by the citizens of London as well.

Papal Envoy - Sultan: Word has it that Siberia is even nicer. Perhaps you could hand those Russian palaces over to the Archduke's men and head east?

Pope Pluvius - Archduke: Germany is laughing at us. It seems we have a pattern of one season you move against me as I encourage our cooperation. The next, I exhort others to attack you and strike back, whilst you make all the right moves to seal our alliance. This must stop now! With your fleet gone, the South becomes clearer: you can build all armies and I can build all fleets. Once you have the remaining Russian centers, we should be able to clear the SE of all but a couple of units and concentrate on the real battle - resisting Germany.

Ita - Aus: I will now commit all my efforts on France, unless you need continued support for Tyl. I somehow need to get one of the armies out of Turkey to the western front. Other than that I will keep an army in Turkey and a fleet in Bul or Gre. These are clearly not going to threaten you. I hope you will reciprocate by leaving one army to cover the Balkans, one to hold Tri and the rest to the northern assault. We should be able to hold with 9 each even if Germany moves to the likely 16. Let me know how you want to deal with shifting that army from Ank without unnerving you.

Ita - Eng: It becomes clear France is not good buddy material. If you can easily get into MAO, do so. There are rich pickings on the French coast. If you can instead support me into MAO, do so. I can help you hold your ground.

Ita - Fra: You force my hand. Which is now a fist.

Ita - Ger: You haven't won yet.

Ita - Ger: Probably.

World - Austria: You really think that was his last press?

Dateline Vatican City: Standing before cheering crowds in Saint Peters Square, Pope Pompous I declared that Italian naval marine units successfully captured the territory of Bulgaria, wresting it from Austria-Hungary. Stated Pope Pompous, “Today, by the Grace of God I declare that the restoration of the Imperial Roman Empire has begun! Soon, our country shall once again control all of the territories surrounding the Mediterranean and this sacred waterway shall be pure and under our total control. French pirates, attempting to enter the western approaches to our Sea have been repelled, and our new fleet which shall be under construction soon will move to the west to ensure our total domination of the western Mediterranean!”

Sources inside the Vatican tell us that the Pope is ready to begin to make good on his intention to annex French territory in order to install Papal authority directly on France. The fact that he is annexing territory of supposed ally Austria-Hungary, is of no concern to him. The Pope has told the Archduke that it is his obligation to give territory and resources to Rome, even if it damages his own economy, so that the Pope can see to it Papal authority is supreme.

In Turkey, a bloodbath is reported to have begun as Italian military units are systematically hunting down and either converting or killing the followers of the Prophet. Said the Pope, “God will be pleased with the sacrifice of these people to ensure our version of the true faith is enshrined in their hearts forever! Whether those hearts beat or not, is of no concern.”

Dateline Warsaw: Austrian military units have begun a redeployment in preparation for a final assault on the territories seized by Turkish military units. When asked to comment on the attack on Austrian units in Bulgaria by Italian naval and marine forces, the Archduke replied, “We were not surprised although we attempted to show continued good faith to the Pope by having our military support his in the region. In truth, this is not the first time, nor will it be the last that the Pope will put his needs ahead of those who have attempted to show him favor. That he attacks us while we must deal with problems at the opposite end of the empire shows the lengths to which he cannot be trusted. We will finish our work here, and then we will settle accounts with our Italian father.”

Dateline Paris: Recognizing the danger from Pope Pompous I, French naval units have begun to take up defensive positions in the Mediterranean. Said the French premier, “We have been slow to recognize that our dear friend, the German Kaiser, has been a solid and loyal ally and has given us good advice. With the German Fleet in the process of eliminating the threat to us from English pirates, we must now turn our attention on the Pope who continues to build fleets in an obvious attempt to take from us the territories we have worked so hard to improve. We wish our dear friend the Archduke success in his venture in Russia, and we hope to meet him in Rome when this pretender to the Papal throne is removed and a true man of God is installed in his place.”

It appears that war in the Balkans and in the Mediterranean is inevitable. The only question is when the hammer will fall, and who will be victorious. One thing is certain, the wars begun by the Pope will continue with unabated fury for the foreseeable future. How many more lives will be lost in the process cannot be known with certainty, but it appears that the Pope does not care who must fall or who he must “stab in the back” in order for him to rein supreme.

Eng-Ita: I agree with your assesment talk to Prime Minister Laval there the Vichy French leader--he gives Germany everything, including Bel...i'm sure Napoleon is spinning in his grave....

Eng-Fra: Wake up an smell the beer, you're being taken for a ride by your German "friend"....

Paris – Rome: Okay I’m backing off. It seems the Austrians want to give you dots anyway.

Rome – Paris: Well, if that’s really the case, I hope you don’t mind me covering TYH anyway.

Paris – Rome: not at all, old boy. However, it would be really great if you would not build another fleet.

WORLD-AUSTRIA: No, what’s really abusive is your feeble grasp of tactics!

By Popular Demand

The goal is to pick something that fits the category and will be the "most popular" answer. You score points based on the number of entries that match yours. For example, if the category is "Cats" and the responses were 7 for Persian, 3 for Calico and 1 for Siamese, everyone who said Persian would get 7 points, Calico 3 and the lone Siamese would score 1 point. The cumulative total over 10 rounds will determine the overall winner. Anyone may enter at any point, starting with an equivalent point total of the lowest cumulative score from the previous round. If a person misses a round, they'll receive the minimum score from the round added to their cumulative total. In each round you may specify one of your answers as your Joker answer. Your score for this answer will be doubled. In other words, if you apply your Joker to category 3 on a given turn, and 4 other people give the same answer as you, you get 10 points instead of 5. Players who fail to submit a Joker for any specific turn will have their Joker automatically applied to the first category. And, if you want to submit some commentary with your answers, feel free to. The game will consist of 10 rounds, with the 10^th round being worth double points. A prize will be awarded to the winner. Research is permitted, but cooperation or collusion between players is not!

Round 10 Categories (Worth Double)

1. A member of the band The Monkees.

2. A landlocked nation (does not border a sea or ocean).

3. An American Civil War general with the Union side other than Grant.

4. Another word for wind.

5. A postal Diplomacy zine which is no longer published.

Rick Desper pulled the high score, with 118 out of a possible 120 points (he only missed 120 because he didn’t choose Wind as his joker categpry). Steve Cooley had the low score of 20 as he enjoyed himself. With the score of 118, Rick pulls ahead of Dane Maslen by ONE POINT and WINS! What a photo finish!

Comments By Category

Monkees – Jim Burgess “Davey Jones was the short cool one, though Michael Nesmith had more talent.”

Landlocked – Jim Burgess “It is the largest, a little larger than Mongolia.” Kevin Wilson “That black zone in the middle of the Dip board!” Steve Cooley “Uzbeki-beki-bekistan, also known as simply Uzbekistan.”

General – Jim Burgess “Lots of choices here, but Sherman’s march is big.”

Wind – Jim Burgess “Gust or breeze are the obvious two choices; breeze just seems more natural.”

Folded Zine – Jim Burgess “Maniac’s Paradise, isn’t that the obvious choice?” Andy Lischett “I also chose Russ Rusnak’s zine Who Cares? Because it used the Mickey Mouse picture seen in last issue’s Brain Farts.” Kevin Wilson “Sucking up!. I almost went with Boris the Spider just because Paul died a couple of years ago and it was my first zine.”

Okay, I’m going to give this game ONE MORE GO. We’re going to try By Almost Popular Demand this time…that’s where the most popular answer in each category gets ZERO points. Otherwise the rules are the same as above. If we get enough participation I will keep the game going, but if Round 1 has low activity I’ll kill the game.

By Almost Popular Demand Round 1 Categories

1. A comic book super hero.

2. A character in Charles Schultz’s “Peanuts”

3. A small U.S. state.

4. A spice.

5. Something you find in a toolbox.

Deadline for Round 1 of By Almost Popular Demand is May 30^th, 2016 (that’s a MONDAY) at 7am my time.

General Deadline for the Next Issue of Eternal Sunshine: May 30th, 2016 at 7:00am my time. THAT’S A MONDAY! Hope to See You Then!