February
2009
By Douglas Kent,
Email: doug of
whiningkentpigs.com or diplomacyworld
of yahoo.com
On the web at http://www.whiningkentpigs.com
– or go directly to the Diplomacy section at http://www.whiningkentpigs.com/DW/. Also be sure to visit the Diplomacy World
website at http://www.diplomacyworld.net. Check out http://www.helpfulkitty.com for
official Toby the Helpful Kitty news, advice column, blog, and links to all his
available merchandise! Links to all of
the books and DVDs reviewed can be found by clicking on the Amazon Store button
in the main menu of the Whining Kent Pigs website.
All Eternal Sunshine readers are encouraged
to join the free Eternal Sunshine Yahoo group at http://games.groups.yahoo.com/group/eternal_sunshine_diplomacy/
to stay up-to-date on any subzine news or errata.
Quote Of The Month – “Joel, hide me in your humiliation!” (Clementine in “Eternal Sunshine of
the Spotless Mind”)
Welcome to Eternal
Sunshine, the only scratch-and-sniff Dipzine
in the universe. Just print out a copy
and try it. Unfortunately, the smell I
choose for each issue is usually a repulsive one. After you scratch and sniff this issue, email
me and try to guess what the scent was.
The closest guess will get a prize.
We’re also the only Dipzine which has chosen
to adopt PETA’s new campaign for reducing fish consumption. As you may have heard (and yes, it’s true)
PETA wants people to stop using the “harsh” word “fish” and instead refer to
those sea creatures as “sea kittens.”
Effective immediately, please use this new nomenclature when referring
to sea kittens in this publication. You
should probably try to integrate this into your daily life as well. So the next time your wife asks you to
perform a particular duty which you don’t enjoy, the accepted response would
now be something like “Forget it honey; it smells like sea kittens down there!”
Speaking of prizes (sticking with zine matters first), I am going
to leave the Eternal Sunshine Movie Quote contest open for one more month. Jim Burgess hasn’t had a chance to send out
the postal copies of The Abyssinian Price yet, and I want those who only see ES through that to have a chance
to play. This means YOU have another
chance too…even if you already sent answers to me, you
can revise or update them. Remember, it
doesn’t matter if you get all 50 correct (although if you do, you’re in the
running for the $25 gift card); just get more correct answers than anyone else,
and you’ll win a prize. In this case,
the prize is going to be a DVD (unless you live outside of North America, in
which case I’ll figure something else out).
Free to play, easy to win, and a decent prize. Give it a shot! You can find the quotes in Eternal Sunshine #24, or email
me and I’ll send them to you directly. The
new deadline for guesses in the Movie Quote Contest is February 23rd
at 7:00am my time (one day before the regular zine
deadline).
In other zine news, the 1898 opening has been dropped, but we
still have opening sin Diplomacy and in Deviant Diplomacy. And, as always, you can join in the Bourse or
the By Popular Demand game. I’m going to
wait an issue or two and then offer some more new games. If you have any requests, let me know. You’ll also find the latest columns from Andy
York and Jack McHugh, as well as the usual game results. I’m sorry to say nobody had any comments on
my news item I wrote about Santa asking for a government bailout. I guess it sucked! What else is new? In the meantime, I’m returning to the series
of prison stories. This issue, the
result is Part One of the story of travelling to (and surviving in) the Halfway
House. Enjoy it, or not, depending on
what you feel like doing.
The big news of the month in our household was supposed
to be Heather starting her next semester in school in the Veterinary Assistant
program. She was also taking one of two
more courses she needed to finish her Associates Degree. But fate has once again intervened, and it
will be at least one more semester before she is able to accomplish those
goals. I sent an email out to a few
people, but for those of you who I haven't told already....on
Wednesday night Heather was playing on a trampoline with her daughter Bailey
when Heather landed awkwardly on her left leg. Something in her left knee
"snapped" (as she describes it) and the pain was excruciating, to
where she couldn't put any weight on it whatsoever. She had mobility in
her toes, so clearly the injury is limited to her knee.
After a good 5 hours in the emergency room we confirmed there is no
fracture or dislocation. It is either a very bad sprain, or a full or
partial tear of some of the ligaments. We won't know until we let her
heal up for a week or so. The doctor directed that after one to two
weeks, if she isn't back on her way to recovery, she'll need to then see an orthopedist
for examination, a likely MRI, and possible surgery in damage cannot heal on
its own.
Heather was
given a LARGE leg immobilizing brace for her left leg, which prevents her from
bending it. She is in little pain unless she twists her leg within the
brace, and she can even put a bit of weight on it with the brace on (and therefore
with full support given to the knee). But her spirits are quite
low. This accident happened two days after she started the new semester
for her Veterinary Assistant program, so she had to immediately withdraw from
those courses. There was just no way for her to continue without falling
desperately behind, and even then she'd only have been able to attend in a few
weeks *IF* her knee was improving. Driving and getting around the two
campus locations would be a major obstacle, but a bigger obstacle is the flight
of stairs to get to and from our apartment...that takes 5 to 10 minutes up and
down right now, with crutches.
You can read a bit more about the accident in Heather’s
column. As usual, timing was less than
ideal. The same day she hurt herself, I
came out of work to find my left rear tire down to about ¼ air pressure. I (almost obsessively) check my tires every
time I get in the car, so I knew whatever was wrong had happened on the way to
work. A quick examination revealed some
of the radials were now sticking out of one section, most likely caused by
driving on the tire as the pressure dropped.
I had to consider myself a bit lucky that there was tire pressure at
all, because at least this way I could slowly drive up the street to the gas
station and try to re-inflate it.
Unfortunately, the first place I stopped, the stupid air machine
ate my 75 cents and gave me nothing in return.
I went inside to complain, and the person behind the counter muttered
something about how he’d turn on the machine for me from inside. “Push button and hold, push button and hold,
yes?” So I went out, pushed the big black button
on the air machine in, and held it there…and held it there…and held it
there. I must have stood there for 90
seconds, feeling like an idiot. And, as
you’d expect, nothing happened. I went
back inside, and the guy berated me. “I
told you push and hold, you need push and hold!” Eventually I found the manager, who was able
to communicate in a semi-comprehendible manner.
He came out, checked the machine, and told me the compressor had been
acting up and had likely died. He gave
me my 75 cents back (while the cashier glared at me as if I’d somehow insulted
him or his family or his goat), and I had to search around for another gas
station. Finally I found a working
machine at a 7-11, and the tire looked like it was holding the pressure pretty
well. But I couldn’t take the chance of
driving on a tire with exposed radials, so I headed towards home, driving
carefully, and stopped at a store to buy two new tires.
It was
while I waited for the tires to be installed in front, and the two semi-decent
tires already on the car moves to the rear, that Heather called me with her
wonderful news. “Hi! Umm..I think I need
you to come and get me. I fell and hurt
my knee and I can’t move. And I’m in a
lot of pain.” Unfortunately I could
barely hear her, and I knew it would be another 30 minutes before I could
drive. But I hung up, called her back
with a better connection, and made sure she was okay. While we were talking I heard the beginning
of the “what happened?” commotion on her end of the phone, so I hung up and
waited until I could take her to the hospital.
Heather was at her ex-husband’s place, where his grandparents live too
(and where his uncle and Heather’s mother were both visiting at that moment),
so I could just imagine the nightmare fiasco going on when they discovered
Heather lying in the back yard. It was
sure to increase her stress, anxiety, fear, and pain…plus her guilt at hurting
herself. Personally, I thought it was
just as well that if she was going to have this accident, it happened now –
when the semester had just started – then later on after she’d been busting her
butt trying to learn all she could. At
least she could withdraw without penalty.
Anyway, I’m trying to be supporting and loving and caring and a
good husband…but damn, in a month or two those 21-year-olds that live near
my office will start walking around in miniskirts and…I mean, I hope her
injury won’t require any surgery, but I’ll be there to support her and take
care of her regardless of what she needs!
Besides, there are worse things that can happen to someone. Speaking of which…
I was
saddened to learn of the death of Patrick McGoohan,
one of my favorite actors of all time. He
died on January 13th in Santa Monica, California. McGoohan has been
out of the spotlight for a few years, although this generation of moviegoers
will probably best remember him for his role as Edward the Longshanks
in Mel Gibson’s Braveheart. McGoohan was able
to bring true villainy to the role, which included his unique clipped speech
patterns.
If you go back a few years, you could find McGoohan
starring in, or directing (or both) episodes of Columbo
with his good friend Peter Falk. McGoohan won Emmy Awards for two of those appearances; the
first as Colonel Rumford in “By Dawn’s Early Light,” and the second as Oscar
Finch (hoping to become the next Attorney General of the United States) in
“Agenda for Murder.” Both episodes were
directed by McGoohan, as was one of my three favorite
Columbo episodes of all time, “Last Salute to the
Commodore.” In this episode, we see Falk
playing Columbo at his most manic and quirky. Reportedly Falk and McGoohan
got along so well because they were both perfectionists; they were happy to do
take after take of each scene in order to get it exactly as they wanted
it. Obviously this did not endear them
to the studio, but anyone who watches those episodes cannot help but admit the admirable
qualities they contain.
His first big role was as John Drake in the British television
series “Danger Man” (which was broadcast in the US as “Secret Agent”). Drake was the consummate, suave secret agent,
but he never carried a gun and his character was not a womanizer like James
Bond. Reportedly McGoohan
turned down the role of Bond once or twice (it is accepted that he turned it
down before Roger Moore was offered the part, but some believe it was McGoohan who was originally offered the role, and that he suggested
Sean Connery instead). The role of John
Drake made McGoohan the highest paid actor on British
television at the time.
Tiring of “Danger Man” after three seasons, McGoohan
moved on to what would be his most famous role: that of the unnamed Number 6 in
“The Prisoner.” This allegorical
miniseries, seventeen episodes in all, was created in partnership with George Markstein. McGoohan plays a man who worked for the government in some
secret capacity (some say his character was actually John Drake again, but McGoohan always denied this, saying this character was more
of a scientist than a secret agent). He
resigns his position without giving a reason, and is kidnapped, awakening in
The Village, an idyllic little community from which there seems to be no
escape. In The Village nobody has a
name; they are all known by number, and McGoohan’s
character is Number 6. It is never revealed
which side runs The Village. Is it the
Soviets? Or, is it Number 6’s own side,
fearful that he may have been betraying them, or simply deciding the knowledge
in his head was too valuable to have him wandering around?
While
this battle between Number 6 and his keepers runs throughout the series, a
number of other topics are focused on; some directly, some through allegory. We have the fallacy of “free” democratic
elections (“Free for All”); the question of the Vietnam War and whether those
who did not wish to serve were cowardly or unpatriotic, as well as what is and
is not worth fighting for (“Living in Harmony”); the dehumanization of mankind
through machinery (“The General”); nuclear holocaust (“Fall Out”)…and through
it all, the constant battle between the individual and society. That was always the connecting factor between
the episodes: where does the need of society for conformity stop, and the right
of the everyman to be an individual begin?
Despite only containing 17 episodes (which is actually more than McGoohan had planned on originally), “The Prisoner” remains
a fascinating look into democracy and society.
Which side does anyone belong to?
Is there even a side to choose from, or any difference between
them? Or has it all become one big
machine? Admittedly some of the
technology seems goofy today (the menacing “Rover” which patrols The Village
can be either eerie or laughable, depending on how you see things), but the
power of the series lives on. More than
40 years after its first telecast, “The Prisoner” is shown homage and
appreciation, mainly through the Six of One society – a fan club which debates,
celebrates, and holds an annual convention at the Portmeirion,
Wales location where much of the series was filmed.
After years of rumor that a movie version was in the works (often
attaching Mel Gibson’s name to the project), it appears an “updated” series is
set to be filmed and broadcast on the AMC Movie network. Unfortunately, while it may be entertaining,
I doubt it will hold a candle to the original, and I fear that after watching a
new version, audiences will lose the urge to experience the classic. Fortunately for all of us, the series is
available on DVD or VHS at reasonable prices.
Check it out…I welcome letters on any of the episodes, or the series as
a whole.
I’ve always wanted to design a Prisoner-based Diplomacy variant,
but never figured out a way to do it.
Anybody have any thoughts on that?
I guess that’s going to do it for this month. Next time I may start serial publication of
the play I wrote for Heather about how we first met, and our first date. In the meantime, enjoy your Valentine’s Day
and I’ll see you all in a month!
Halfway Home at the
Halfway House – Part One
For
many Federal inmates, the tail end of your incarceration does not take place in
prison. Instead, in an effort to
reintroduce you to society (and to keep overflowing population levels down),
you are often directed to spend the last one month to the last six months of
your sentence in a Federally-designated Halfway House; some of the rules have
changed since I came home, but back then you were only permitted to spend 10%
of your sentence in the halfway house (up to a maximum of six months), so if
you had been sentenced to 36 months you could expect to spend the last 3 in the
halfway house. There were exceptions to
this rule; in fact, if you were a participant in the Residential Drug and
Alcohol Program (RDAP) in prison as I had been, it was mandated that you spend
as close to six months as possible in the halfway house regardless of how short
your sentence originally had been. So in
my case, despite having been sentenced to 46 months, I knew I would be spending
my last five or six months in the Dallas-area halfway house.
To
some inmates, the idea of a halfway house is a big step up from prison. While technically still the property of the
Bureau of Prisons, you get to move around in society, find a job, plan for your
final release, receive visitors on the weekends, and even request full 24 or
48-hour passes to spend at home. Then,
when you were down to only two months left, you could also apply to be switched
to home confinement, where you’d be able to sleep at home every night. To me, that sounded like heaven.
Other
inmates, especially some that had been locked up for more than five years, told
a different tale. They described
unworkable rules worse than we lived under in prison, a more confused
bureaucracy, and a multitude of hassles that simply were not worth the
trouble. The main thrust of their
argument seemed to be that it was easier to stay put for a few extra months,
survive with the daily routine they’d become completely accustomed to, and then
be released directly from prison to home.
These inmates made the halfway house sound more like a teasing taste of
freedom, without most of the joys but with nearly all of the headaches. In prison they had all their meals prepared,
clothes provided, a generally consistent living situation (surrounded for the
most part by the same neighbors day after day), and only a few hours of work
(or pseudo-work). The last thing they
wanted was a new batch of wardens telling them what to do.
For
my part, up until a few months before my release I was completely gung-ho about
it. I had a job promised – working for
the same transportation company I’d been employed by when I’d first come to
prison – a stable living situation, and a woman waiting for me who I knew
without question I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I couldn’t imagine what problems a halfway
house could throw in my way. Besides,
the way I figured it, just being able to see Heather again in person - to gaze
into her blue eyes and feel the warmth her spirit radiated towards me – was an
experience I’d been thinking about day and night for years. That was worth any level of hassle I could
imagine.
My
enthusiasm was dampened somewhat when I learned the job I had been counting on
for a few years suddenly was no longer available. As it was explained to me, the company
management had changed, and they no longer wanted to hire anyone who had a
criminal record. I did find that a bit
funny, since I knew that one of their dispatchers in California had multiple
DUI convictions, and some of their drivers had experienced scrapes with the
law. While I understood that this was
their policy (and perhaps it had something to do with their insurance rider
which covered all the vehicles and drivers, although I’m just guessing) I felt
rather blindsided by the news, as I’d checked numerous times during my
incarceration to make sure they wanted me back.
If I had known, I could have tried to line something up along the way, which
would have been entirely possible.
Instead, there wasn’t time to deal with it anymore from the inside; I
would just have to search for a job when I’d arrived in Dallas. More than anything, this had soured my
outlook on going to the halfway house. All
those months when I could have been writing letters, asking people to make
contacts, having Heather photocopy and print ideas for me…they’d been lost,
because time after time I was reassured not to worry, a position was waiting
for me whenever I was ready for it.
It
wasn’t just the lack of time left which prevented me from doing any last-minute
job hunting. A new complication had
arisen: I had no idea where the Dallas-area halfway house was located. I’d heard rumors that it was somewhere in
south Dallas, but someone had suggested it might actually be south *of*
Dallas. Heather had been searching on
the internet for information, and eventually was able to locate a phone
number. But when she called to get an
address so she could give me an idea of the location in relation to the Dallas
transit system, they wouldn’t tell her…for “security reasons.” What kind of crap was that? How is someone supposed to find the place
without an address? Fortunately she was
eventually able to find the address on the internet, and print out some maps
for me. My former boss Patty also
printed some maps, showing the closest transit location…which wasn’t very
close. As it turned out, the halfway
house was located in Hutchins, which is a good ten to fifteen miles south of
the southern reaches of Dallas. Being
able to move around was suddenly looking a bit more difficult. I’d just have to wait and get the lay of the
land when I arrived.
First,
however, there was the process of actually getting there. Personally, I hate to fly. And I think I make everybody else on the
plane even more nervous than I might be.
The last second to last time I flew it was suggested that perhaps I
should consider not flying anymore; I did wind up taking a trip to Atlanta
which I won on the radio in a Strip Trivia contest (photos still available on
request), but I haven’t flown since then.
So when presented with the option, I chose to take the bus from
Pennsylvania to Dallas. I would have
preferred to take Amtrak, but that was not an option they offered, due to the
infrequency of trains. If something went
wrong with the bus, there was always the next one.
Anybody
who has traveled long-distance on a bus knows that it is not the most
comfortable mode of transportation…I had plenty of experience from my days with
the transportation company, so at least I knew what to expect. First of all, the bus is almost always packed
tight, which means you’re sitting next to someone. On occasion there will even be people
standing in the aisle, waiting for seats to open up at the next major
station. Most of the passengers on the
bus are loud and thoughtless, and a good percentage of them haven’t showered in
a while; this isn’t necessarily their fault, as they may be stuck on the bus
for two or three days depending on how long the trip is. Any children on the bus are bound to be loud,
or cry, or run around, or kick your seat, or spill things, or drop their empty
soda bottle on the floor so it rolls from the front of the bus to the back over
and over. If it’s too hot, the air is
stale and thick….if it’s too cold, there is a constant draft as if a window is
open. And, worst of all, too many of the
passengers want to pass the time by making “single serving friends” (to steal a
line from Fight Club). In some ways, a
cross-country bus ride makes prison seem like a vacation.
Before
the trip was to begin, however, there were a few things I needed to do. Most important among those tasks was the
procurement of clothes for the journey.
When I’d come up from Texas on Amtrak to report to prison, I’d taken my
blue overnight bag, one change of clothes, some CD’s, a portable CD player, and
other items with me. Then when my father
drove me to prison, they gave him my clothes, watch, and driver’s license to
take back with him. If at all possible,
the prison system wants you to have some street clothes sent in to wear when
you’re released; if not, they provide a pair of jeans, some slip-on sneakers,
and a shirt. So I asked that my clothes
be washed and sent in, along with my driver’s license and social security
card. This included my overcoat, since
it was generally a balmy 30 degrees or colder in Pennsylvania, and my blue
duffel bag which I’d carried with me to New York. A couple of weeks before my release, I
received a notice in the prison mail that my clothes had arrived. So, I was basically set. I bought a few travelling supplies at
commissary: two big bags of M&M’s (one plain, one peanut) to snack on, a
few new pairs of socks, stuff like that.
And I packed up some underclothes which were nearly new, as well as
personal hygiene necessities. I’d
already mailed back the letters and books I’d collected over years (that’s an
experience in itself – trying to put something like $30 in postage on a box
using 30-cent stamps), except for a paperback or two for the bus ride. Everything else – food, coffee, tea, my heavy
landscape pants (a prized possession which while BOP property were passed on
within the Landscape Crew from inmate to inmate) – I’d given to a few friends. I was all set.
I
knew the bus trip was going to be a long, tedious, tiring one. I’d had my friend Patty mail me the itinerary
so I could have a general idea of the stops and layovers. The BOP doesn’t provide you such material,
because they don’t want you planning unauthorized rendezvous with anyone along
the way. You’re supposed to travel
directly, without deviation, from the pick-up spot to the halfway house. We were told that the halfway house will
expect us at particular times, and if we fail to appear or explain our delay
(with proof) we could expect to be sent right back to prison. I was suspicious about that, as you might
expect, especially given the complexity of my bus schedule. Delays, missed connections, overbooked buses,
mechanical failures, and the like are rather common on Greyhound, and
adjustments are constantly being made.
The trip I was planning for looked roughly like this:
|
Location |
Arrival |
Departure |
Layover |
|
WILLIAMSPORT, PA |
|
03:40pm |
|
|
LOCK HAVEN, PA |
04:10pm |
04:10pm |
|
|
BELLEFONTE, PA |
04:45pm |
04:45pm |
|
|
STATE COLLEGE, PA |
05:05pm |
05:09pm |
:04 |
|
PHILIPSBURG, PA |
06:00pm |
06:00pm |
|
|
CLEARFIELD, PA |
06:25pm |
06:25pm |
|
|
DU BOIS, PA |
07:05pm |
|
|
|
DU BOIS, PA |
Transfer |
07:25pm |
:20 |
|
SYKESVILLE, PA |
07:35pm |
07:35pm |
|
|
BIG RUN, PA |
07:45pm |
07:45pm |
|
|
PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA |
07:55pm |
07:55pm |
|
|
INDIANA, PA |
08:40pm |
08:40pm |
|
|
APOLLO, PA |
09:20pm |
09:20pm |
|
|
VANDERGRIFT, PA |
09:25pm |
09:25pm |
|
|
MONROEVILLE, PA |
09:50pm |
09:50pm |
|
|
PITTSBURGH, PA |
10:20pm |
|
|
|
PITTSBURGH, PA |
Transfer |
12:10am |
1:50 |
|
COLUMBUS, OH |
03:35am |
04:30am |
:55 |
|
DAYTON, OH |
05:50am |
|
|
|
DAYTON, OH |
Transfer |
09:00am |
3:10 |
|
CINCINNATI, OH |
10:00am |
11:00am |
1:00 |
|
LOUISVILLE, KY |
12:45pm |
01:25pm |
:40 |
|
ELIZABETHTOWN, KY |
02:15pm |
02:15pm |
|
|
BOWLING GREEN, KY |
02:25pm |
02:25pm |
|
|
NASHVILLE, TN |
03:40pm |
04:45pm |
1:05 |
|
JACKSON, TN |
06:55pm |
07:05pm |
:10 |
|
MEMPHIS, TN |
08:40pm |
10:10pm |
1:30 |
|
LITTLE ROCK, AR |
12:25am |
12:45am |
:20 |
|
SULPHUR SPRINGS, TX |
04:30am |
04:45am |
:15 |
|
DALLAS, TX |
06:15am |
Looking
over the ticket, the layovers or transfers in Pittsburgh, Columbus, and Dayton
were likely to by the worst of the journey.
Late night or early morning transfers suck; the bus stations are dirty,
there is nowhere to sit comfortably, and you have to force yourself to stay
awake or else you might either miss your connection or find yourself without a
seat. Sometimes you have to switch
buses, or disembark only to get on the same bus again, at some of the
non-transfer layovers. I knew the drive
from Memphis to Dallas was pretty much a straight shot, as that was a primary
Greyhound route. We’d travel one bus
during that portion, and we were only hitting the big stations at that
point. So I should be able to get a few
hours sleep the second night. Other than
that, it was all up in the air…things could go smoothly, or they could be a
horrendous mess. I’d just have to wait
and see.
The
night before my departure I did not sleep as much as usual, but I did manage a
decent number of hours overall. I’d
taken my “vacation” from Landscape duty starting a few days beforehand, so
really I was quite bored and counting the hours until I could leave. About 70% of the RDAP classmates left before
me (your date of departure was generally in order of how much time was left in
your sentence; those who had less time left would leave first, with some
exceptions because of space limitations at halfway houses, outstanding state
charges, and things of that nature), and my routine – which I’d used to survive
prison all this time - was completely out of whack. Plus my mouth was in decent pain because of
the ½ of a tooth the dentist had taken out a week earlier (and the ½ a tooth
he’d left in). So on the big day I woke
up, ate breakfast, said a few final goodbyes, and sat in my cube reading a
paperback and twiddling my thumbs until I was finally paged to the front
office. It was, at last, time to leave.
I
made my way to the front office, with my box of belongings in hand. Everything else had been turned in. I was ready.
A few handshakes with buddies here and there first, and into the R&D
room I went. Here they gave me my street
clothes, coat, and travel bag. I
changed, and for the first time in years I looked like a normal person instead
of an inmate. But, as usual, a few
problems surfaced. The biggest was that
nobody could find my driver’s license and my Social Security Card. They’d been received and signed for weeks
earlier, but now….nothing, no sign of them.
This meant I was about to embark on a cross-country journey, as property
of the BOP and effectively still a prison inmate, with no identification
whatsoever. I figured that they’d let me
keep my prison ID at least, as apparently this is a form of legal
identification. Nope, no such luck. The R&D officer told me that I should
just use my one-page paper form with my reporting instructions as ID if an
emergency came up. “Or have whoever it
is call us, we can verify who you are.” Wonderful.
Then
there was the issue of money. I’d saved
up about $400 in my inmate account through work, a bonus for completing my RDAP
program, and trying not to spend 100% of what was sent in by my VERY generous
family who’d been sending me $60 to $80 a month for some time now. This was going to be the money I used to live
on until I found myself a job, and to buy any new clothes or other personal
items. I could only assume that I’d be
paying for public transportation, which isn’t cheap either. But this was the moment when the R&D
officer informed me that they were going to give me $150 in cash. The rest would follow “at a later date” to
the halfway house, in the form of a check made out to me. I wasn’t thrilled about this development
either, especially since I knew it was going to cost $50 or $60 to catch a cab
from the Dallas Greyhound station to the halfway house (assuming I could find a
cab willing to take me out there). “Oh
don’t worry about that, just ask at the Halfway House, they’re supposed to
cover the cab fare.” The R&D office
*did* provide me with some sort of Federal requisition form which I was
supposed to be able to use to buy the bus ticket without cost to myself. And I had confidence in that part of the
process, if only because inmates left the facility a few times a week and they
MUST have worked the kinks out of the system by now.
So
I was on my way. I didn’t have any
identification; I was low on cash; I was worried about the trip, my job
prospects, my aching tooth, and fitting into society as a human being; and I
was anxious about the slightest misstep sending me straight back to prison. But I was on my way. I caught a ride with the work van to the
Front Circle, my old stomping grounds with the Landscape crew. I went inside, signed a few more forms, and
was told to wait in a holding area with two inmates from the Medium Security
prison who were also being released that day.
I guess we waited an hour - but it felt like three – before the “town
driver” van came to drive us to the local bus station. Bernie, an inmate I knew, was the driver that
day, and he took us out onto public land, driving the local roads like regular
people, until we came to a gas station/convenience store where the bus stop was
located. Bernie helped all three of us
to make sure our vouchers were processed in exchange for the bus tickets,
wished me luck, and headed back to the prison.
The other two inmates talked, and enjoyed the first cigarettes they’d
had in months. I just stood outside in
the cold, waiting and feeling nervous. I
really had no idea what the Halfway House would be like, or what would be
waiting for me when I got to Dallas.
All
I did know was that I was headed back.
And back home Heather was waiting for me…and even my cat Tigger, who was now nearly 20 years old, and who I had
assumed would have died long before I walked into our apartment again. So as anxious as I was about the future, I
was also psyched about it. I wasn’t a
free man, not yet, but I was going home.
Or, at least, to the Halfway House. And that was a lot closer than I’d been in a
long time.
Last
month, we gave you the following: You participate
in a football pool at your job. The
company is large and has hundreds of employees in your building, so not
everybody knows everybody else. Each
week you pay $5 to play, in a simple pool where you select a winner in each pro
game on Sunday, and a total score on Monday to break any ties. Monday morning you’re informed that you tied
for first place with three other employees.
You don’t know much about football, so this is surprising to you. You check your Sent email folder and see you
predicted a total score of 42 for the Monday night game. Whoever gets closest without going over wins
the entire pot, which is close to $500. Tuesday morning you arrive at the office and
are congratulated: the final score of the game was 17-10. Somehow the person running the pool had innocently
transposed your total, and thought you selected 24. You also discover that there was only one
other employee who guessed below 30: a generally-disliked woman who works in
the custodial department had guessed 21.
The holidays are arriving; with the tough economic times there are no
bonuses at your company this year, so this money will likely be the difference
between “merry” and “bah-humbug” in your household. Any attempt to share the winnings with the
other woman will draw her suspicion and reveal the mistake, so that is not an
option. Do you keep the money or do you
admit the error?
Melinda Holley - For me, at least, it doesn't matter how well liked or disliked the other
person is. I would own up to the mistake and not take the money.
Besides, the other woman might need the money for something more serious than
holiday presents (food, medication, rent, insurance, etc.). I don't need
that kind of negative karma (got enough coming from other sources).
Kevin Wilson – An easy one this time. I run pools.
I play fantasy football in three leagues. I’ve made errors and they have always been
pointed out to me and if I see an error I point it out too. In this case, I’d do the same. Of course, I’d complain humorously, talk
about what I could have done with the $500 but I’d send it back.
Andy York - Not that I'd actually participate in a football
pool, but if this situation happened, I'd certainly correct the error and have
the winner receive the pot. And, yes, I'm the type of person who will tell the
folks at the store when I'm overcharged and when I'm undercharged or if they
miss scanning something while checking out. An example, when I checked out of
the Dallas hotel after the Tut exhibit visit, they failed to bill me for the
extra exhibit ticket. I let them know that the bill was short.
Heather - I would WANT to be selfish and keep it, but my conscience
would not let me and I would have to "fess up".
For
next issue, your new hypothetical: You live in a small rent house on a generally
quiet street. You’ve lived there perhaps
six months, and you haven’t been formally introduced to any of your
neighbors. You simply know them in such
a way as to wave at them in a friendly fashion when you see each other. However, you have grown to learn their
tendencies and habits. One couple next
door to you seems to have no children.
The female works for an airline as a pilot or flight attendant; you’ve
seen her in uniform getting into or out of her car. From what you can tell, she leaves town for
three or four days at a time. Now, in
the past few weeks, you’ve seen another female arriving and departing the
house, only when the female of the household is away. She’s somewhat younger, very attractive, and dresses
in a very alluring and seductive manner.
You suspect infidelity is afoot.
What do you do, if anything? And why? Your options
are wide open in this hypothetical.
The Reader – If you have
enjoyed the book The Reader by Bernhard Schlink, this
film review is not all that important. Suffice
to say that, with the normal limitations you might expect,
Stephen Daldry’s direction and a strong cast do
justice to a difficult subject. The
differences between the book and the film are not so jarring that they pull you
away.
However,
if you haven’t read the book, I hope this excellent film will give you the
incentive to do so. The Reader tells the
story of Michael Berg (played during his adult years by Ralph Fiennes). Jumping back and forth in time between
adulthood and his teenage years, we’re brought into postwar Germany. The 15-year-old Michael (played quite well by
German native David Kross) is stricken with scarlet
fever. Becoming ill on his way home, a
trolley ticket taker (Kate Winslet) helps him. Months later, when he is recovered, Michael
brings her some flowers in thanks. Just
beginning to feel his manhood, Michael returns another day, and an affair
begins. It isn’t until his third visit
that the secretive and suspicious Hanna even reveals her name to her young
lover. She educates his in lovemaking,
and he (at her urging) reads to her.
From The Odyssey to Huckleberry Finn, she is deeply moved by his oral
renditions. Then, one day, she
disappears from Michael’s life, leaving no word and no reason.
A
law student in college, Michael takes part in a special seminar where a small
group of students attend the war crimes trial of six women accused of horrific
acts as guards in concentration camps.
To his amazement, Hanna Schmidt is one of those defendants, and there is
no denying that she took part in terrible wrongs. But Michael has seen the humanity and emotion
inside her guarded skin, so he finds it difficult to fully comprehend why she
took part or how much blame she should shoulder. Then, when the trial takes a turn against her,
he realizes things about her which had eluded him earlier – facts which could
have a bearing on the case and might lighten her sentence…yet he is afraid to
reveal them, as it is clear Hanna has her own reasons for keeping them hidden.
I
think that if you haven’t read the book, the film plays better if you know less
about the plot in advance, so I am avoiding revealing very much
information. The acting really is
superb, with Kate Winslet able to combine sexuality,
hardness, and ashamed confusion into a believable character. Ralph Fiennes has a quiet manner about him,
as he often does, but in this case that serves his character well. And again, I need to single out the very strong
and believable performance of David Kross. We see him progress from unsure boy to man in
a very natural way, but one which ties almost seamlessly into the Fiennes adult
version.
Almost
every review for The Reader I’ve seen has been glowing, and I see no reason to
disagree. There are so many issues and
ideals within the film, but one important one is the beauty – and power – of
the written word, for good and for evil.
So after you’ve seen the movie, do yourself a favor and personalize that
message by reading the book too.
Seen on DVD – Dog Day Afternoon (B+, Pacino at his best is Pacino when
he was younger and less self-counsious. Makes me miss the NYC area
from those days). The Amityville Horror (C+, the book was
such a terror when I was young, but I remember this movie being simply
awful. Instead it does have some creepy moments). Burnt
Offerings (C-, I remember enjoying this film when I was younger, but I
guess what was creepy and original to me back then is simply slow and boring
now. And the sound on the DVD was
poor. However, watching the film did
make me want to go to IMDB.com to reread the details of Oliver Reed’s death: “He died of a heart attack in a bar after downing three
bottles of Captain Morgan's Jamaica rum, eight bottles of German beer, numerous
doubles of Famous Grouse whiskey, and beating five much younger Royal Navy
sailors at arm-wrestling. His bar bill for that final lunch time totaled 270
Maltese lira, almost £450.”) Rose
Red (D+, this Stephen King miniseries was a lot of build-up for no
payoff). Three Days of the Condor (B+, still a good movie, with Redford’s
character showing the power of reading and learning; and WHAT happened to Faye
Dunaway’s career?).
Wigfield – The Can-Do Town That Just May Not – Amy Sedaris/Paul Dinello/Stephen Colbert – The comic geniuses who brought
you the hilarious and under-appreciated Comedy Central series “Strangers With
Candy” (okay, the movie wasn’t so great) team up for this book which purports
to tackle the question “why are small towns disappearing from America?” The entire book is written from the point of
view of (and under the pseudonym of) Russell Hoakes,
an “author” who used to paint highway lines before convincing Hyperion Books to
cough up a sizable advance for a 50,000 word book. Through a series of mishaps Hoakes is introduced to Wigfield,
which is a shantytown hastily constructed in a riverbed opposite the Bulkwaller Dam, which is scheduled to be destroyed by the
state. Hoakes
takes it upon himself to do what he can to save the town, halt the dam’s
destruction, and to capture on paper the views and lives of its residents (who
are mainly strippers and used car parts dealers)…and to do it in 50,000 words
if in any way humanly possible.
The
book itself drags at some points, but does have its share of laughs along the
way. Still, unless you were a fan of the
comedic flavor of “Strangers With Candy,” I don’t
think you’ll find Wigfield worth your time. And even if you share that comic sensibility,
I doubt you will enjoy this book enough to justify the $22.95 cover price of
the hardcover version. Stick to the soft
cover, and even then try to get it on sale (Amazon has it for like $11). Fortunately I got my hardcover at Half Price
Books, marked down to below $10 PLUS on sale from there. The book is a miss, but it’s a
near-miss. A tweak here or there and I
believe it could have been really funny.
To begin with, we have my very first
letter! At least we know one person
reads this column!
Andy York: I have to fully agree with you about
"Firefly". It was a excellent series and the
movie was great finale to the storyline. If you're interested, there were two
short comic books series (each three issues long,
if I remember correctly) that expand a bit on the timeline. Also, if you are a
Buffy fan, Whedon is presenting "Season
Eight" via comic books (up to issue #21). There is also an Angel comic series
and one for Spike. Whedon is also penning some other
comic books with his usual wit and irony.
I have read some of the “Buffy Season 8,” as well
as the Angel and Spike comics. For whatever reason I just couldn't get
"into" the Buffy ones like I did the Angel and Spike comics. The
writing style seemed different to me somehow, or it didn't make the
change over as well as Angel and Spike. I look forward, with great
anticipation, to reading ANYTHING else Firefly. (Hint, Doug,
Hint!!!). Thanks for the letter!
I wanted to apologize to everyone for not including
any book reviews (snippets, actually, is what I do) lately. I have been on
a Netflix/Hulu/DVD watching spree in
anticipation of not being able to watch much of anything once school started.
That won't be a problem NOW! On Wednesday the 21st (the
first day of school was Tuesday the 20th),
I went to go see my daughter, Bailey. We went outside and were having lots of
fun, laughing, being goofy and jumping on the trampoline. In the middle of our
hair-flying fun.....I came down on my leg, and my knee went sideways, and
something snapped like a broken rubber band! I fell back on the trampoline,
clutching my knee, trying not to totally freak out because I didn't want Bailey
to have a nervous breakdown. After going to the emergency
room, we found out I had at least sprained my knee (hopefully
that is all and I won't have to have surgery). With a knee/leg immobilizer
going from the top of my thigh down to my ankle, I realized I had some
serious decision making to do. I couldn't walk, drive, do kennel duty
at school, and I certainly could not chase after an animal to get a fecal
sample for my Parasitology class! I had to drop all
my classes this semester, and I will re-enroll in the fall. After my
knee totally heals, I can decide what I am going to do until the fall semester.
I might get a part-time job in veterinary office for the experience. In the
meantime, while I am busy healing, there will be lots of reading
going on! So…all of this was just
a long way of saying that I will have some book reviews (snippets) for you guys
soon! I know you all can't wait! P.S. any sympathy cards, books, comics, DVDs,
CDs, cash, gift cards and/or prosthetic limbs and joints can be sent to our
home address. Thanks!
Jim Burgess: Just wanted to note how interesting it is to find out stuff about your
own brother in someone else's Diplomacy szine! I knew he talked his way into that first job
(I tell people I advise all the time to do that, now have another story to
use), but didn't know the details.
[[I guess he just doesn’t feel comfortable talking
to you. Maybe he thinks you’ll jump all
over him and criticize every decision he makes…the way you do to me!]]
I don't think David was hiding it or anything, it
isn't embarrassing, but he always has been the cute and sexy one, I'm the ugly
smart one. David and I both still have our father (sorry, again, that you
don't have yours!) and he has been driving David crazy, he is someone very influential
on both of us though, in ways myriad and undefined. But he's a gamer, has
always been a gamer, and thus we are gamers.
[[Wait, David told me that he was the cute and sexy
and smart one, and that only leaves you with
ugly. Sorry!]]
Gosh darn, Doug, you have 50 Movie Quotes!!!
I know a small handful and others might come to me, but couldn't you have split
them up across a year of issues, four or five an
issue??? Tell the truth now, how many of these are Kevin Spacey
quotes? The Lester Burnham/American Beauty one jumps out at me
first. My wife can't stand what's her name J who plays his wife, so she hates their exchanges, but I love that part
of that movie. Other parts I hate too, that was a love/hate movie for me.
[[In the future, I’ll try just doing 20 or so – and
yes there will be more quote contests.
But the point is, with 50 people should be able to get a few. Right now I think the person in the lead has
like 3 or 4 correct…tsk tsk
tsk. And there
is a real prize for whoever wins, most like a BRAND NEW DVD from a choice of 4
or 5 titles.]]
Allison Kent: I miss him too [[our father]]! They say it gets better with time,
but I find it gets worse. That is only logical; the longer you don't get
to see someone or see someone, the more you'd miss him, right?
[[I suppose, when it is someone very important to
you. When it’s someone of less
importance, you slowly forget about them.]]
I didn't know you had BO! I never noticed. Do you wear deodorant?
[[I don’t really have BO…I’m just repulsive in a
general way.]]
When is Andy coming to PA or NJ? There is a Brazilian steak house I have wanted to try in Philly, but it is expensive!
[[You’ll have to check with him….remember,
you can expect him to pay for everything unless he loathes you.]]
Andy York: It'll be interesting to see the commentary about
the differences in the two versions of the Tut trip. Hopefully it'll spark some
discussion!
[[I think, in general, people recognize how much
more accurate my version was. Your
version was completely fabricated.]]
I agree with your assessment of the movie Milk. It
was one of the best movies I'd seen in 2008 - it is a must see! However, my
movie of 2008 is Slumdog Millionaire.
[[We still haven’t seen that, and I have a feeling
we won’t until it’s on DVD…if for no other reason than Heather’s knee keeping
us out of the movie theater for a few weeks or longer.]]
Alex Richardson: Thanks very much for the
plug in 'Eternal Sunshine' - it is always nice to get a mention in another
zine. I shall try and include a bit on the "archive arms race" which
you and Stephen have going between you in return.
[[Just remember we are supportive of each other in
that regard…the only reason I have ANY UK zines on my archive page is because I
want people to realize they exist, so they’ll go to Stephen’s archives to see
more. I can’t scan these zines quick
enough…they arrive much faster than I can process them. But eventually I’ll make a real dent in
them. And when that happens, if not
before, I have another project to begin work on…]]
I see that you have included 'Once Upon A Deadline' in the archive. This brings back a few memories as I ordered
a copy of it through the ISE when it first appeared in 1986. I'd put out about
5 issues of
Obsidian by then and wanted to see what advice could be gleaned from the
American Dip hobby, only to find that I had already made just about every
mistake possible for a novice editor and it was too late to rectify them.
(I can remember enjoying Conrad von Metzke's pieces
in particular, such as the history of Costaguana and
the one on press releases which argued that postal Diplomacy was about more
than just ordering pieces around a board. I can also recall agreeing with Doug Beyerlein's suggestion that editors should pace themselves
and start small and wishing that I had...)
[[I really did find OUAD quite useful when I
started my first zine Maniac’s Paradise.
These days some of it is quite dated and of no importance, but other
sections are as valuable as they ever were.]]
Brain Farts: The Only Subsubzine With
It’s Own Fragrance
By
Jack “Flapjack” McHugh – jwmchughjr “of” gmail.com
(or just email Doug and he’ll send it to me)
Issue
#3
I can’t believe that I
prepared two pages of genius last issue and you sons of bitches couldn’t be
bothered to send me one stupid email of thanks, or a single freaking
comment. What the hell is wrong with you
people? Clearly if you’re reading a zine
published by Doug the Idiot, I shouldn’t expect too much from you. But do I have to hit you over the head with a
board, maybe one with rusty nailed pounded through it for good measure, before
you send me praise and money and valuable gifts? If I wrote my autobiography now I’d probably
have to call it “I am Surrounded By Brainless
Zombies.” And all of you could be
characters. Doug wouldn’t even have
emailed me this month, if it wasn’t for the fact that he asks for my
relationship advice about three times a day.
This guy has no idea how to control his women, or rule his home
life. Which reminds me of something that
happened the other day: I asked Carol to make me a turkey pot pie, and she told
me to make it myself. I was pissed, but
I let it slide. Then I asked her to iron
my “Fire Andy Reid” sweatshirt, and she told me to do it myself. So I calmly got up and asked her how she
would like it if she didn’t see me at all for three days. She said that was fine with her!
My estimate was a bit off
though. The swelling went down pretty
fast, so she was able to see me again by the second day.
It has been said that
“genius will often go unrecognized in its own time.” I can’t remember who said it though…it could
have been Ben Franklin when he was boinking the
whores of Paris, or maybe it was Gandhi or Howard Stern or Hulk Hogan. How the hell do I know? Go look it up, that’s what the internet is
for, you lazy bastards. I’m not going to
sit here and live your lives for you. If
I was, you can be sure I’d be doing a better job of it than you are right
now. This country is a mess. This whole world is a mess. And this hobby is a mess. And I lay the blame squarely on all of
you. You are all part of the problem. If you would just get the hell out of my way,
or follow my instructions, things would be running a lot smoother around
here. And I wouldn’t need to spend $150
million on an inauguration party either.
I mean, damn, I could throw a kick-ass Super Bowl party for less than
$500. Add another $500 to that and I
could hire The Thompson Twins or maybe Cheap Trick to be our personal live
halftime entertainment. Or I could go
discount-rate and get Billy Squire for $250.
You choose.
Sorry, I got on a rant there
and lost my train of thought. What the
hell was I gonna say?
Let’s see…genius, country, world, problem, solution, party, Super
Bowl. THAT’S IT. Super Bowl. If you braying sheep could put down your Lite Beer and stale Cool Ranch Doritos for a second, maybe
some of you can think back two months, back to my first edition of this
column. Picture it: you were sitting
there, early December 2008. You were
probably worrying about what you could shoplift from Wal-Mart for Christmas
gifts. You hadn’t showered in three
days. The smell was making your eyes
water. You were reading through the
latest “Maternal Buttshine,” or whatever Doug calls
this rag. Can you see it now? Blah blah
blah, boring boring boring, oh, look, a column from Jack McHugh. Finally something worth
reading, right? Suddenly a few of
your brain cells began to crackle to life.
Try to think back…do you remember my Super Bowl prediction? Huh?
You probably thought to yourself “Is this guy kidding?” when you read
it. Right? Well get your kneepads on, suckholes! I was
right. Nobody else in the COUNTRY was
predicting it back then. But I was. Me.
Jack McHugh, unrecognized genius.
Now, just so nobody can claim I’m making this up, I’ve asked Doug to
insert the actual portion of the page here.
But if that isn’t good enough for you, you can find the entire issue on
Doug’s website. Here is what I said:
You see that? Huh? Here, I’ll put a big arrow in to make sure
your feeble eyes don’t miss what I’m trying to point out. I am the ONLY PERSON in the ENTIRE WORLD who
was smart enough to correctly predict that it would be the Steelers and the
Cardinals in the Super Bowl. None of those television experts, nobody on ESPN or ESPN2 or ESPN3
or ESPN6, nobody on the internet, nobody in the newspapers. Nobody. Just me. ME!
Jack McHugh the Genius. Instead
of ignoring me, you all should be erecting a statue in my honor. Hot models should be feeding me grapes,
pouring me wine, and satisfying me in unmentionable ways.
Instead, I lost one of my
two jobs. Typical.
I wasn’t completely
surprised, considering how bad the economy is, but it certainly wasn’t good
timing. This isn’t exactly a good time
to be looking for a job. And the want
ads you find out there…these companies must have their heads up their
collective asses. I mean, do they really
believe they’ll find someone to meet all of their qualifications? They want somebody with a bachelor’s degree,
three years minimum experience with 8 different platforms, plus two years call
center experience, all for a regal $15 an hour.
What they’re really asking for is someone who has been out of work for
two years and is stuck living with his parents, approaching 50 years old, who will kill himself just for the chance to enter the
workforce again. Then they’ll use him to
train Cousin Boris who just got off the boat from Russia, so they can let Boris
replace him a year later at twice his salary.
And I’m speaking from experience.
I hate looking for a job,
and dealing with all the various bullshit that comes along with it. Whichever direction you go, you’ve got a
different set of complications. Do you
want the illusion of job security, going with a big company, or do you want a
small one? One thing nice about small
companies..they don't f*ck around...either they hire
you or they don't and they don't take very long to make a decision. One reason why I tend to steer clear of
larger companies and I try and avoid recruiters: they think you're time is
valueless and never want to shit or get off the pot. You get endless rounds of interviews and
waiting on decisions...and then they go hire an internal candidate most of the
time anyway, and maybe you get a letter a month or two after they do it.
I
notice I've gotten pretty blunt now in interviews. I expect certain things up front: salary
range, list of duties, the criteria you'll measure my performance, and the
metrics of what is considered a good performance. Otherwise i move on
pretty quickly. If you can't answer
those questions, then you're not serious about hiring anyone and I don't waste
my time.
I
don't believe in all that networking bullshit, at least not when I'm job
hunting. It takes too long to
"cultivate" people. That's for
people with money (or relatives with money) that have time to kiss ass for
months and have "power lunches" at overpriced restaurants. I don't have the time or the money for that
shit.
I
also generally don't answer ads that say demand salary requirements. Sorry, I'm not interested in bidding against
college kids who live at home or spouses looking for something to do during the
day. Plus I don't think most people who
don't have a salary range aren't interested in hiring anytime soon. They are just fishing to see what the market
washed up on their desk. And most of the
time they haven't done their homework; they can't answer the rest of my
questions. What will I do all day to
help you make money? How is my job adding to your bottom line? How will you
know if I'm doing a good job or not?
If
they even hire anyone, that is. I
suspect at least two-thirds of those ads never higher anyone. Most of the time I see the same ads again and
again and again on the job boards, so either it’s so shitty no one will stay,
or they aren't hiring anyone.
I've
gotten like this from having very bad interviews with people who weren't
prepared, and who acted like the interview was an audition for me to convince
them to hire me, with no input from them.
My time is valuable, and if you don't understand that from the first
minute you talk to me then I don't want to talk to you. It really is true, if you don't respect
yourself no one else will. I demand
respect up-front now, and just dismiss people who can't deal with it, because I
know that means they plan on screwing me over later.
I
don't have a problem with a job interview where they want to see if you can do
the job, but don't just say "the job is tech support..how
would you do that?" That means you haven't bothered to figure what my
duties are, and can't even give me any sample work. That kind of an interview is a waste of my
time and their time. I'd rather have
them say “my sever is not coming up..what do you check
first?” If you want me to come up with
duties, that's a MANAGER of tech support's job.
I can do that as well, but then tell me what I am managing. Don't expect me to walk in with no knowledge
of your company - and I mean real knowledge, not you're fucking "about us"
page on your website - and expect me to run a department. That tells me nothing about what people do on
a day-to-day, hour by hour basis. Show
me your procedures manual or the website that your employees use internally, or
some contracts you have with clients, not your 3 paragraph synopsis that gets
updated once every two years.
Or
my favorite, the ever popular "news" page: marketing sunshine that is
shit for prospective clients, which tells you nothing about the employees or
what they do or how they get it done.
I'd rather come in for a first interview for 30 minutes, get three
problems, and come back the next day with an executive summary of one or two
paragraphs of the problem and three possible solutions to each problem…no more
than a paragraph or two each and you decide if I fit in your company. That's what employees are for, they get paid
for that. I'm not getting paid to be
interviewed, and I have better things to do than discuss why you're a shitty
manager. This way we have something to
discuss about the actual work. I hate
the “let's make small talk” shit, like we're two friends out for a drink. We're not friends, and the only thing worse
is the attitude that they are "giving" me a job, as if I'm their
idiot brother-in-law and Mom said they had to hire me. Fuck you...if you don't think I'm going to be
able to add to your bottom line then don't hire me.
Phew,
I worked up a sweat on that one. Time for a nice cold brew.
And not the piss-water they advertise on commercials during NFL games. Which reminds me, if I have to sit through
one more Pizza Hut commercial with those drunk morons,
“I’m all about the multigrain…guys, I didn’t make this pizza, it was delivered
by Pizza HUT!”…or another Dodge Ram commercial “Wow, it has its own toolbox, that is friggin
cool. I could put some hammers or
shovels in there and stuff!”,
I’m liable to shove an ice pick through my eardrums to make
myself deaf. Now send me some feedback,
or else!
Out of the WAY #4
by W. Andrew York
(wandrew88 of gmail.com)
===================================
Not much new this month - though I did get my first
LOC for this ‘zine. Feel free to send in commentary, discussion, feedback or
other thoughts on OotW or just about anything
else. And, please feel free to join in the Facts in Five game
or to submit something for the Poll Question. Heck, I’ll even take suggestions!
Have a good February, spend Valentine’s with someone
special, and most of all, keep warm!
Commentary
on temporary hiatus – this month’s topic didn’t quite come
together in time for this issue
Letter
Column
(always welcome,
send them in!)
Doug Kent: Why do you refer to my directions as
“navigation” with a sarcastic tone? If you hadn’t been so intent on watching
Chinese porno DVD’s on the dashboard DVD player of your Escalade, you might not
have missed that turn. And then we ran that red light because you got
distracted brushing crumbs out of your beard. I felt like I was in The French
Connection or something with how fast you drove. Still, I gotta
hand it to you, I never through you’d be able to out-run that cop. Now I
understand why you don’t put license plates on your ride.
[WAY] Well, I was hoping for more response on
the differences between Doug’s recollection of my visit to Dallas and my
commentary about that Saturday. I must say is it is difficult to confuse an
eight-year old Saturn with an Escalade. As for Chinese porn on the “DVD”
player, it is more like a radio with sound bars moving up and down - maybe
that’s what Doug thinks is porn from watching scrambled signals on the TV in
those cheap motels he stay at. And, about the “navigation” comment, I tried to
put a positive spin on the “head that’a way on the
trail where cars go superfast. It’s (the museum’s) somewhere near those tall,
pointy, buildings over there” directions you were giving.
The
Month in History
February 22, 1909 – The “Great
White Fleet”, sent by Teddy Roosevelt on a world cruise, finishes their
14-month tour.
Sources
include: Current issue of “Smithsonian”
Babylon
5 Quote
Brother Alwyn in The Deconstruction
of Falling Stars: “Faith and reason are the shoes on your feet. You can
travel farther with both than you can with just one.”
Source: But In Purple...I’m Stunning! by
J. Michael Straczynski, edited by Sara “Samm” Barnes, copyright 2008.
Poll
Question
Each month a question will be
posed to the readership. Your thoughts and commentary are solicited for the
next issue. Also, any response to
what folks have submitted
for the previous question are very welcome.
This issue’s question: What are your expectations for the
first year of the Obama presidency?
nothing
submitted
For next issue: Space exploration, should it be curtailed, remain solely in Earth orbit or head to Mars?
Recipe
of the Month
Recipe Philosophy: Except for
baking, recipes are only suggestions. I rarely precisely measure, eyeballing
most everything. The listed
measurements, for the most
part, are estimates from the last time I made the recipe. Feel free to adjust
to meet your personal tastes –
and remember, it is easier
to add “more” of something than to compensate when “too much” has been added.
For ingredients, if you don’t
like raw onions, omit them or replace with celery to retain the crunchiness. If
you like food with more spice, add
an extra jalapeno or use habenaros instead. On the other hand, if you don’t like
spicy food, replace the jalapeno with half a bell
pepper. Optional items are
used when I’m looking for a variation or making it for individuals with
specific preferences.
Macaroni &
Cheese for Many
by W.
Andrew York
(last revised 01/25/09)
Ingredients:
2 8oz packages elbow
macaroni (or other shaped pasta)
1 cn Cream of Celery Soup
1 cn Cream of Mushroom Soup
1/2 lb Mild
Cheddar Cheese, shredded
1/2 lb Monterey
Jack Cheese, shredded
1 c Whole
Milk (at room temperature - have more on standby)
2+ tbl Granulated Garlic (can substitute fresh,
softened, garlic)
Salt & Pepper to
taste
Steps:
1 - Heat oven to 350 degrees.
2 - Cook pasta according to
directions, drain, put back into pot.
3 - Mix in both
soups, garlic and milk, season with salt & pepper
4 - Mix in both cheeses, in
batches, mix until melted (additional milk may be needed)
5 - Pour into greased 9x12x2
pan
6 - Bake uncovered for 30
minutes (optional, put additional cheese on top for last 5 minutes of baking)
Note - for a 1/2 recipe, omit
the cream of celery soup.
Other Optionals:
Add in one or two 4oz cn
Mushrooms
Use two cans of Cream of Mushroom instead of Cream of
Celery Soup
Add in 1 sliced caramelized onion (or add in fresh
garlic during the caramelization)
Top with bread crumbs softened with butter for last
10 minutes of baking
Use additional and/or different cheeses or stronger
ones
===================================
Game
Section
Facts in Five
Rules: There will be five rounds, the high
score at the end of the fifth round will be the winner. Anyone may join anytime
with a starting score matching the lowest from the previous round. Anyone
missing a round will add the lowest score of that round.
Each round will consist of five categories and five
letters. Each player submits an entry
for each category which has a key word that starts with each of the letters
(twenty-five total entries). Key words are generally the first word; however
articles (the, a, etc) and modifiers (“red” in red bicycle for “R” in “mode of
transportation” or “general” in General Lee for “G” in “Military Leaders”) are
not key words. A word in the category may not be the key word (“bank” in “Bank
of America” for “B” in the category “Banks”). For names, the last name is the
key word except in the case of commonly used stage names (in a category of
female singers, ”Q” could be “Queen Latifa” and “Cher” for “C”). An entry may only be used once
per round.
One point will be scored for each entry that
unarguably meets the letter and category. An additional point will be added if
anyone else also uses the same valid entry for the same category. Maximum
possible score in a round is 50 with a lowest possible score of 25, presuming
an individual submits a valid entry for each category and letter in that round.
Round Three
Results
Bolded - Scores 2 points for matching another entry; Crossed Out - scores 0 points; otherwise
scores 1 point.
REMINDER - Last names are generally the key word, not first
names.
CORRECTION: Last turn’s
submission by Brendan Whyte was incorrectly credited to David Burgess. The
scores below reflect the correct totals.
Players - Bill Brown (BB),
Doug Kent (DK), Jack McHugh (JMH), Jamie McQuinn
(JMQ), Brendan Whyte (BW), Kevin Wilson (KW)
S M A P F
Foreign University
BB Sorbonne Moscow State U U of Auckland Amer Univ of Paris Flinders
U
DK U
of Southampton U of Manchester U of Antwerp U of Plymouth U of Frankfurt
JMQ Sorbonne McGill U Australian Nat’l U PanAmerica U Firenze
U
BW U
of Sussex Massey U U of Auckland Prince
of Songkla U Flinders
U
KW Swiss
Fed Inst TechU of Manchester Aarhus U Paris
Universitas U
of Freiburg
Famous Modern Structure (built
post 1950)
BB Sydney
Opera Millau
Viaduct Burj
Al Arab Petronas Towers Falkirk Wheel
DK Sears
Tower Millar Park Arrowhead Stadium Petronas
Towers Fedex Field
JMQ Space
Needle Millennium Dome Akashi Kaikyo Bridge Petronas
Towers Faulty Towers
BW Sydney
Opera Millennium Dome Auckland Harbour
Bridge Pentagon Frank Lloyd
Wright’s House
KW Sears
Tower Millennium Dome Arecibo Radio Telescope Petronas Towers no entry
Professional Magazine
BB Science Today Facility Mgr Foreign Affairs Foreign Policy Flare
DK Screenwriter Medical Econ Architectural Digest Publishers
Weekly Folio
JMQ Sales Machinist Aviation Week Publishers Weekly Finance Week
BW Surfing
Weekly Marie Claire Annals of Assoc of Am Geo Professional Wrestler Fire and Movement
KW Science Motor Trend Architectural Digest Proc Nat’l Acad
of Science Foreign Affairs
Science Fiction Author
BB Robert
Silverberg Julian May Isaac Asimov Terry Pratchett Philip
Jose Farmer
DK William
Shatner Alan
Moore Isaac Asimov Jerry Pournelle AD
Foster
JMQ Fred
Saberhagen Diane
McCaffrey Forey
Ackerman Frederick
Pohl AD Foster
BW no
entry no entry Isaac Asimov no entry no entry
KW Robert
Silverberg Diane McCaffrey Isaac Asimov Philip Pullman AD Foster
Chemical Element
BB Strontium Magnesium Aluminum Phosphorus Fluorine
DK Sulfur Magnesium Aluminum Phosphorus Francium
JMQ Sulfur Magnesium Argon Potassium Fluorine
BW Sodium Magnesium Aluminum Phosphorus Fluorine
KW Sodium Magnesium Argon Phosphorus Fluorine
Scores by Category 1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th Previous Now Total
BB 8 7 4 6 9 49 + 34 = 83
DK 6 7 7 7 9 65 + 36 = 101
JMH no
entries submitted 59 + 29 = 88
JMQ 6 7 6 7 9 58 + 35 = 93
BW 7 5 5 2 10 55 + 29 = 84
KW 6 7 7 7 10 53 + 37 = 90
Round Four
Letters: T S D L C
Categories: Christmas Song Title, Female
Religious Leader, Nobel Prize Winning Scientist, Living American Nonfiction
Book Writer,
Musical Instrument
Possible future game openings
- Railway Rivals, Empire Builder, Liftoff!
Suggestions accepted for other
games to offer.
===================================
Deadline For The Next Issue
of Out of the WAY:
February 21st, 2009 at 7:00am – See You Then!
Game entries, letters of
comment and other material can be sent to:
wandrew88 at gmail.com; or
by post to: W. Andrew York; POB 201117; Austin TX 78720-1117
Diplomacy (Black Press): Signed up: Philip
Murphy, Ian Pringle, need five more to fill.
Get in on the fun now!
Deviant Diplomacy II (Black Press): Signed up: Jonathan
Nichol, need six more to fill. Rules in ES #23, or by request. A classic variant which can
become as insane as a Charles Manson interview.
Diplomacy Bourse (Black Press): Buy and sell the
currencies of the Diplomacy nations.
This Bourse is using the new game “Dulcinea”
as its basis. Players may join at any time,
and are then given 1000 units of every currency still in circulation. The rules to Bourse can be found in ES #24.
By Popular Demand: Game currently
underway, join any time.
Standby List:
HELP! I need standby players!
I may offer another Gunboat 7x7 soon, so
keep your eyes open. I’m also thinking
about a game of Final Conflict, and Colonia VII-B remains a favorite. Does anybody have an interest in
Kremlin? Or
Cannibalism? The idea of an
Intimate Dip round-robin tournament isn’t such a bad though. If somebody wants to guest-GM a game of
anything, just say the word. If you have
specific game requests please let me know.
Diplomacy
“Wouldn’t It Be Nice?” 2008A, Autumn/Winter 1904
Austria (Kevin
Wilson
- ckevinw1 “of” cox.net and ckevinw “of” yahoo.com): Retreat A Bulgaria – Off the
Board. Has F Aegean Sea, F Ionian Sea, A Serbia, A Trieste, A Warsaw.
England (Jérémie LeFrançois - jeremie.lefrancois “of”gmail.com): Build F
Liverpool. Has F Baltic Sea,
F Barents
Sea, F Liverpool, A Livonia, F North Sea, F St Petersburg(nc), A Sweden.
France (Alexander
Levinson - al “of” tolkin.nl): Has
A
Burgundy, A Marseilles, A Paris, A Spain, F Tunis.
Germany (Graham
Wilson – grahamaw “of” rogers.com): Has A
Holland, A Kiel.
Italy (Don Williams
– dwilliam “of” fontana.org): Has A Brest,
F Gulf of Lyon, F Mid-Atlantic Ocean,
F
Portugal, F Rome, A Venice.
Russia (Melinda
Holley – genea5613 “of” aol.com): Remove F
Skagerrak. Has A
Berlin, A Budapest,
F
Gulf of Bothnia, A Rumania, A Sevastopol.
Turkey (Brad Wilson
- bwdolphin146 “of”yahoo.com): Build F Ankara. Has F
Ankara, F Bulgaria(ec),
A
Constantinople, A Smyrna.
Autumn/Winter Separated
From Spring By Player Request
Spring 1905 Deadline is February 24th 2009 at 7:00am my time
PRESS
Germany – Russia: I’m gonna get you
for that!
That’s it?
One lousy line of press? Pphpht!!!
Diplomacy
“Dulcinea” 2008C, Spring 1901
Austria (Stephen
Agar – stephen “of” stephenagar.com): A Budapest – Rumania,
F
Trieste - Venice (*Fails*), A Vienna - Galicia (*Bounce*).
England (Philip
Murphy trekkypj “of” gmail.com): F Edinburgh - North Sea, A Liverpool – Wales,
F London - English Channel.
France (Brad Wilson
– bwdolphin146 ”of” yahoo.com): F Brest - Mid-Atlantic Ocean,
A
Marseilles – Burgundy, A Paris - Picardy.
Germany (Lee Self – leeself “of” gmail.com): A Berlin
– Kiel, F Kiel – Denmark, A Munich - Ruhr.
Italy (Melinda
Holley – genea5613 “of” aol.com): F Naples
- Ionian Sea, A Rome – Apulia, A Venice Hold.
Russia (Jack McHugh –
jwmchughjr “of” gmail.com): A Moscow – Ukraine,
F
Sevastopol - Black Sea (*Bounce*), F St Petersburg(sc)
- Gulf of Bothnia, A Warsaw - Galicia (*Bounce*).
Turkey (Jim Burgess –
jfburgess “of” gmail.com): F Ankara - Black Sea
(*Bounce*),
A
Constantinople – Bulgaria, A Smyrna - Armenia.
Fall 1901 Deadline is February 24th 2009 at 7:00am my time
I did hear from Simon a few days
after ES #24 was released, explaining why he had missed the
deadline. However, I never heard back
from him with any Spring orders after that initial
email. So, Philip Murphy is now the new
English player of record, having called for a Vote of No Confidence in
Parliament and successfully moving his party into controlling position of all
foreign policy and military matters. And how about some more Press folks?
PRESS
Baron Gwilliam, Late Swain of the Last Hovel But One on the Left Before the Canal to the Duke of York: Dearest sir, I ingratiate myself to your service. I shall
lead the armies of the realm to the parapets at York and forever put all my
energies to your service.
Duke of York to Swain Gwilliam: Did I really hand you that Baronet? Just why did I do
that? You had better serve me more faithfully than this.
Flap Jack Burps, Farts, and Snores and then is roused to wakefulness: Brp, awp, uh where
am I? Who rousted me out of my sound (in more ways than one)
sleep??? The puny insignificant one who did that will pay, will pay
dearly.
Flap Jack sees the Casino: Hey, can I bet
on me? Really, I can?
Board to Brad: We all offer you the sincerest condolences on
your recent accident! We hope you will be able to continue with the game
and best wishes for a speedy recovery.
Boob to Board: I can't write press if I have nothing to react
to? No one loves poor me, no letters, no postcards since the last
deadline, and almost no press to react to, here what is this darn Bourse, I
HATE Bourses, did I give my permission to allow my game to be Boursed? Where is the man in charge, I want his
hide!!!???
GM – Boob: My hide, as well as the rets of me, is pledged to Heather. Sorry.
Boob to Baron Wuffet: Teffuw on you, who cares about you???
“Dulcinea” Diplomacy
Bourse
Trading
Underway…Rothschild places an early size bet on the Sultan!
Billy
Ray Valentine: Sells 300 Crowns and 300 Lire.
Buys 200 Pounds, 200 Francs, 200 Rubles.
Duke
of York: Sells 500 Pounds and 500 Rubles.
Buys 300 Crowns, 50 Francs, 300 Marks, 50 Lire, and
300 Piastres.
Smaug the Dragon: Sells 500 Pounds. Buys 500 Francs.
Rothschild:
Sells 500 Crowns, 500 Pounds, 500 Francs, 500 Marks, 500 Lire, and 500
Rubles. Buys 3000 Piastres.
Baron
Wuffet: Sells 200 Crowns, 300 Marks, and 100
Lire. Buys 100 Pounds,
200 Francs, and 300 Rubles.
Wooden
Nickel Enterprises: Sells 100 Pounds, 200 Francs, 100 Marks, and 100
Rubles. Buys 200
Crowns, 200 Lira, and 100 Piastres.
VAIONT
Enterprises: Sells 500 Francs, 500 Rubles, 250 Marks. Buys 500 Lira, 500 Piastres, 250 Pounds.
Remember,
new players can begin at ANY TIME, with 1000 of each currency. Now that Spring 1901
is over, you no longer have to spend everything you sell…you are permitted to
hold as much cash as you please!
PRESS
(Spring 1901)
Here we see the opening portfolio strategy of an experienced investor. The move to divest Crowns and Lira is
obvious, but why is he dumping Marks? Does he have inside information on the
Kaiser or is he making a statistical play?
Duke of York to the Bourse: Call me a traitor, but if Swain Gwilliam...
er Baron Gwilliam won't do
as he is told, I WILL sell his butt off to the highest bidder!!!
Smaug to Middle
Earth: Currencies come and currencies go -
I lie on my wealth - a mattress made of gold, jewels and precious things. It's
safer than a bank since *I* guard it myself. *snorts flames*
Next Bourse Deadline is February 23rd 2009 at 7:00pm my time
By
Popular Demand
Credit goes to Ryk
Downes, I believe, for inventing this. The
goal is to pick something that fits the category and will be the "most
popular" answer. You score points based on the number of entries that
match yours. For example, if the category is "Cats" and the responses
were 7 for Persian, 3 for Calico and 1 for Siamese, everyone who said Persian
would get 7 points, Calico 3 and the lone Siamese would score 1 point. The cumulative
total over 10 rounds will determine the overall winner. Anyone may enter at any
point, starting with an equivalent point total of the lowest cumulative score
from the previous round. If a person misses a round, they'll receive the
minimum score from the round added to their cumulative total. In
each round you may specify one of your answers as your Joker answer. Your
score for this answer will be doubled.
In other words, if you apply your Joker to category 3 on a given turn,
and 4 other people give the same answer as you, you get 10 points instead of
5. Players who fail to submit a Joker
for any specific turn will have their Joker automatically applied to the first
category. And, if you want to submit some commentary with your answers, feel
free to. The game will consist of 10
rounds. A prize will be awarded to the
winner.
Round 2 Categories
