November
2009
By Douglas Kent,
Email: doug of whiningkentpigs.com or diplomacyworld of yahoo.com
On the web at http://www.whiningkentpigs.com
– or go directly to the Diplomacy section at http://www.whiningkentpigs.com/DW/. Also be sure to visit the official Diplomacy
World website which can be found at http://www.diplomacyworld.net. Also remember to check out http://www.helpfulkitty.com
for official Toby the Helpful Kitty news, advice column, blog, and links to
all his available merchandise! Links to many
of the books and DVDs reviewed can be found by clicking on the Amazon Store
button in the main menu of the Whining Kent Pigs website. Or go to http://www.guysexplained.com where
women can learn all the secrets of how a man’s mind works, and why they act the
way they do.
All Eternal Sunshine readers are encouraged to join the free
Eternal Sunshine Yahoo group at http://games.groups.yahoo.com/group/eternal_sunshine_diplomacy/
to stay up-to-date on any subzine news or errata. We also have our own Eternal Sunshine Twitter
feed at http://www.twitter.com/EternalSunshDip
Quote Of The Month – “I
thought maybe you were a nut... but you were exciting.” (Joel in “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”)
Welcome to Eternal
Sunshine, the only subzine in the Diplomacy universe that comes out six
times more frequently (at least) than the zine it supposedly appears in. At this point I’m willing to take bets on
which zine appears first: Costaguana, Vertigo, Absolute!,
or The Abyssinian Prince. And TAP
is barely the favorite at the moment on the odds boards. One tip though: don’t try to bet the
trifecta, because you’ll be dead long before we discover who comes in third
place on that list.
This month has seemed to last forever, but at the same time
there’s very little news to report.
Heather continues with her classes, I’m still working, the cats are
fine…just the usual life stuff. Our
anniversary is on Halloween, so of course I’ve had to spent some time trying to
find small and meaningful gifts I can give to celebrate the big day. I don’t think I’ve assembled anything close
to what I wanted to accomplish, but Heather always seems pleased; even if she
is probably faking it.
I
continue to resist the temptation to bring a third cat into the household. There was one in particular who I was in love
with at the orphanage where we volunteer: Vivian (her original name was Violet
but they changed it). A beautiful and
sweet-natured gray-colored ball of love, she’s a particular fan of tummy
rubs. Unfortunately, not only is our
apartment a bit too small for another cat, but Sanka seems determined to keep
Toby all to herself. Toby, on the other
hand, seems to love every cat he meets.
He’d have no problem sharing the apartment with Vivian. He’s always looking for new playmates, and
he’s quite the ladies’ cat…every adult female he meets is a potential new love
of his life.
There is also Tabitha, who is loving and quiet and has been at the
orphanage for 6 months already. I don’t
know why she hasn’t been adopted, but if you live in the Dallas area and want a
cat, please get in touch with me!
Finally, there is my new love, Kalani. A slightly big-hipped female black cat, with
a short tail, I only met her for the first time last week. Kalani is nothing but love, purrs, and
paw-kneading. Hopefully Heather won’t go
meet her personally, otherwise we could have a major problem on our hands!
In zine news, we STILL have one open spot for the Cronin Special
Diplomacy game. This game should be
light-hearted, fun, and a chance to help a few younger players experience a
zine game for the first time. So
consider signing up! If we don’t
get some new sign-ups for Fog of War or Deviant I’ll drop those for the time
being. Another classic variant would be
next on the list; Cline 9-man, or perhaps something somewhat forgotten. I bump into a lot of older variants during my
time scanning zines for the Postal Diplomacy Zine Archive, so I may take a shot
and try one of them. As of today (Sunday
morning) I haven’t finished my personal writing chapter – the same one I hadn’t
finished last issue, as I simply haven’t felt much writing motivation this past
month. Work has been occupying much more
time than usual. But who knows…maybe by
Tuesday I’ll have enough written to include it in this issue. Meanwhile, you get Part 4 of “I’m No Edward
Norton,” and next issue will be the final installment of that. Jack McHugh asked me “How could you have the
nerve to print THAT?” I’d like to hear
some OTHER feedback, whether it’s positive or negative.
That’s it…in the days immediately following the release of this
issue there will be my birthday and our anniversary…and then it will be time to
start planning Thanksgiving. Be warned: the deadlines for the next issue
fall BEFORE Thanksgiving, as they are based off of the last Tuesday of the
month. Get your orders in early, even if
they are just preliminary!
Have a great month, and I’ll see you in December!
Playlist:
A Fine Frenzy – One Cell in the Sea; Toad the Wet Sprocket – Coil; Sorta –
Strange and Sad But True; Glen Phillips – Winter Pays for Summer; Danny Balis –
Too Much Living.
Just a reminder…the
events are basically all a true account of how Heather and I met, and our first
date. I wrote the play longhand from
prison for the anniversary of our first date.
Some names have been changed for reasons I forget at the time I typed it
in (even Heather’s daughter’s name), but otherwise this is very close to how it
went.
I’m
No Edward Norton
(An
Anniversary Gift to Heather Taylor)
By
Douglas Kent, © 2009
Part Four
ACT FOUR
INT. THE ENTRANCE
AND WAITING AREA FOR EL CHICO'S, A MEXICAN RESTAURANT. -- EVENING
Doug sits on a bench on the far side
of Stage Left. To the right, near Center
Stage, is a table. Stage Right remains
dark; it still contains Heather's apartment.
Doug sits nervously, glancing at his
watch, with a small package on his lap.
He is wearing a paper cut-out mask over his face, with eyeholes cut
out. A piece of string fastens the mask
around his head. The mask is a photocopy
of Edward Norton's face, enlarged to be approximately life-size.
A WAITER approaches the bench. Doug lifts the mask.
WAITER
Table for how many?
DOUG
Well, it will be for two, but I'm
still waiting for someone.
Doug glances at his watch.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Do you know what time it is?
WAITER
I believe it is about 7:20, sir.
Doug's cell phone rings. Stage Right lights up. In her apartment, Heather is frantically
pulling a jacket on as she holds the phone to her ear, trying to do everything
at once.
DOUG
Hello?
HEATHER
Oh God, I am so sorry I'm late!
DOUG
That's okay. I was starting to worry that you weren't
coming at all.
HEATHER
No, I'm sorry. I'm always late. I couldn't decide what to wear, and I did my
hair, but I can't get it the way I want it and I'm such a klutz. Have you been waiting long?
DOUG
I got here half an hour early.
HEATHER
Oh no, why?
DOUG
I didn't know how bad traffic would
be, and I didn't want to be late.
HEATHER
Oh, I'm so sorry.
DOUG
Really, as long as you're still
coming it's okay. Actually, this is the
best I've felt all day.
HEATHER
You've been sick?
DOUG
I've been a nauseas nervous
wreck! Pacing around the office, my
stomach hurt, my heart is racing, my head is pounding. I'm an insecure mess!
HEATHER
At least that makes two of us. I thought I was going to throw up all day
long. I had to leave work early!
DOUG
Thank goodness you did, or who knows
how late you'd be then?
HEATHER
Stop!
I said I was sorry.
DOUG
It's fine. Actually Heather, I know this will sound fake
and corny, but hearing your voice has suddenly made me feel calm and
relaxed. Take your time, and I'll be
waiting when you get here.
HEATHER
Oh, you're so sweet! Okay, I'm leaving right now, and I'm only a
couple of blocks away. I'll see you in a
few minutes.
DOUG
I'll be here. Bye.
Heather and Doug each hang up the
phone. Heather races around her
apartment for another few minutes, searching for her purse, then her keys, and
finally exits through her door. Stage
Right fades to black again. As she does
all of this, Doug begins to speak.
DOUG (CONT'D)
(to himself)
What's wrong with me? Why am I so nervous? I haven't even met this woman yet. How can I be so emotional already? Oh, let's face it Doug. You have completely fallen for Heather and
you don't even know what she looks like.
You're so hers, and you haven't laid eyes on her yet.
Doug pulls his mask down and looks to
the entrance, straining his neck a bit to view an unseen person enter and pass
by.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Whew, glad that wasn't her. What if she's got the anti-look? What am I supposed to do?
(pause)
There's nothing I can do. I've never felt like this before. It doesn't matter. Whatever she looks like, I'll have to get
over it. She can be a troll. She's already stolen my heart. It just feels too right.
Doug adjusts his mask some more, and
looks to the entrance.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Oh, please don't let that be
her. She looks like she's fifty years
old.
Doug watches the unseen woman pass
by.
DOUG (CONT'D)
(looking up at the
sky)
Thank you!
The Waiter approaches.
WAITER
Still waiting sir?
DOUG
Yes, but I just spoke to her. She'll be here in a moment.
WAITER
What's with the mask? Hiding from the paparazzi?
DOUG
(chuckles)
No, it's a long story.
The Waiter retreats, and Heather
walks into the restaurant. She sees Doug
in his mask, and laughs out loud, eliminating any doubt to her identity. She looks stunning, in a leatherette jacket
with a gold-colored butterfly stick pin on the lap. She's dressed in a black sweater, black and
white knee-length plaid skirt, black tight, and simple black shoes. She carries a small package in her left
hand. Doug stands and stares, unable to
speak. Heather walks forward and sits
down on the bench, smiling sweetly. Doug
joins her, his arms uncertainly suppressing the urge to hug her. Instead he
places his left hand on Heather's right knee.
HEATHER
Take that silly thing off!
Doug removes the mask, still staring
at Heather. Heather looks down,
flattered but embarrassed.
HEATHER (CONT'D)
So?
Do I have the "anti-look"?
DOUG
Are you kidding me. It's "The Look." You're incredible.
HEATHER
(embarrassed)
Thank you.
DOUG
It's a good thing you showed up. I think they were nervous that I was going to
rob the place, with the mask and all.
HEATHER
You didn't just out it on?
DOUG
How could I, when I didn't know who
you were? I've had it on since I got
here an hour ago.
HEATHER
Oh don't tell me that!
The Waiter approaches again.
WAITER
Ready sir?
DOUG
Yes, I think so.
WAITER
Smoking or non-smoking?
Doug looks at Heather for a preference.
HEATHER
Smoking?
DOUG
(to Heather)
You're the boss.
(to the Waiter)
Smoking please.
The waiter leads them to the
table. They are to be seated at opposite
sides of the table. Doug helps seat
Heather, then moves to the other side and seats himself.
WAITER
Can I get either of you something to
drink?
HEATHER
I'm not much of a drinker, but I
think I'll have a margarita.
DOUG
I'll have one also, to start. But you'd better hurry, because the way
things are going I might need a refill soon.
The Waiter leaves, and Doug and
Heather begin looking at the menu.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Do you want an appetizer or anything?
HEATHER
I'm not really that hungry. They have good fajitas here though.
DOUG
Would you like to split an
order? I've been so nervous all day that
I'm not too hungry either.
HEATHER
That sounds good.
The Waiter reappears, carrying a tray
with the drinks atop it. He places them
on the table.
WAITER
Are you ready to order?
DOUG
Yes, we're going to split an order of
fajitas.
WAITER
A single order?
DOUG
Please. Don't worry, we don't eat much but we're
great tippers.
The Waiter departs. Doug takes a swig of his drink but keeps his
eyes on Heather.
DOUG (CONT'D)
I'm sorry if I keep staring. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to look. And I can't believe how beautiful you are.
HEATHER
Thank you.
DOUG
So what do we do now?
HEATHER
Get to know each other better, I
suppose.
DOUG
Tell me about your marriage, and your
child. If you don't mind talking about
it, that is. I mean the marriage, not
the child.
HEATHER
Well, I'll start with my
daughter. Her name is Bailey. She's three.
DOUG
I can already see how much you love
her, your face just lit up.
HEATHER
She's the best thing I have ever done
in my life. Because of her, my marriage
was worthwhile. Without George I
wouldn't have had Bailey.
DOUG
That's true. Does she live with you?
HEATHER
No, I decided she'd be better off
living with George and his grandmother.
She gets full time attention there, more than I could have given her by
myself, with work and school. I go and
see her Tuesdays and Thursdays.
(pause)
You don't think that makes me a bad
parent, letting my daughter live with her father, do you?
DOUG
On the contrary, Heather. I think that was an incredibly brave and
difficult thing to have done, to put what you felt was best for your daughter
first. A lot of women might not have
been so willing to make that kind of a sacrifice.
HEATHER
Thank you. I try to be a good mother.
(pause)
I like the way you say my name.
DOUG
I didn't know there was another way
to say it.
HEATHER
There isn't, really, but it just
sounds good.
DOUG
It's one of my favorite names. Heather.
It's beautiful. And you really
look like a Heather.
HEATHER
Thank you.
DOUG
So what about your marriage? How long did it last?
The Waiter returns and serves the
meal, interrupting the conversation momentarily. He exits again.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Oh, I almost forgot, I have a little
gift for you.
HEATHER
I've got one for you too!
They exchange packages, and each
opens their gift.
DOUG
A notebook. Thank you, it's lovely. I like the cover design especially.
HEATHER
"Drop Dead Gorgeous" and
"Planes, Trains, and Automobiles."
Thank you Doug.
DOUG
Well I wanted to bring you a little
something, and flowers or chocolates seemed too obvious for a first date. Besides, I told you I'd have to make sure you
saw "Planes-Trains."
HEATHER
I figured you needed the notebook,
since I ruined your Saturday and everything.
DOUG
I'd rather say that you gave me a
much better alternate plan for my day.
I'm willing to say that this past Saturday will go into my Top 10
Saturdays of all time.
HEATHER
I'm flattered.
DOUG
So do you feel like talking about
your marriage? You show me yours and
I'll show you mine?
HEATHER
Well I'm not sure what to tell
you. George was younger than me, but we
seemed to be in love and get along well together. After we married, everything changed. He became a control freak. He always had to know exactly where I was,
what I was doing. We lived by his rules,
his schedule. He was a Nazi when it came
to house cleaning. Once a week he even
made me open our video cabinet and dust every tape individually. He didn't like me to read because I wasn't
"with" him then. I had to sit
on the sofa while he watched his boring black-and-white sitcom reruns.
DOUG
That sounds awful. So he completely changed?
HEATHER
Not just that. He wanted to change me too. He didn't like my friends; I had to stop
seeing them. He hated the way I dressed;
it was too "weird." And then,
in the end, he lied to me and cheated on me.
First he changes me, and then he complains that I'm not the same woman
that he married.
DOUG
I'm sorry. This may sound stupid, but I can't imagine
somebody wanting to change you. I think
you're so wonderful just the way you are.
I know I just met you, but that's how I feel.
HEATHER
You say some very sweet things.
DOUG
I wouldn't say then if I didn't mean
them.
HEATHER
So, are you going to show me yours?
DOUG
Why not? If you want to see it. But remember, I said no sex!
HEATHER
Not that, silly. You're marriage! Are you uncomfortable talking about it?
DOUG
No, not really. Just your normal decade-long nightmare of
hospitals, illness, in-laws, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches--
HEATHER
(interrupts)
It must be very hard for you to stay
"on" all the time like that, isn't it?
DOUG
(long pause)
How can you see through me, and into
me, so easily Heather?
HEATHER
I suppose it’s because I've used all
the same tricks. It's a defense
mechanism.
DOUG
I can't believe you can knock down
all of my walls like that. With one
look, one sentence.
HEATHER
You don't have to talk about it if
you don't feel like it.
DOUG
It's okay. Marcie was my first love. She was 18.
I was 15, a pimply teenager.
Somehow she saw through that and fell in love with the man inside. I knew she had demons in her, but I made it
my mission to save her form them. She
had been molested by her grandfather for a number of years, but I thought I
could fix her if I worked hard enough. I
tried everything I could, but every time we'd climb one hill, a new mountain
would appear. She started getting sick,
and was diagnosed with Crohn's disease.
I passed up going to college so I could go right to work and get us an
apartment. When I was nineteen she said
we either had to get married or break up, but I knew if she had to move back
home she'd kill herself. So we got
married.
HEATHER
Did you actually want to get married?
DOUG
I wanted Marcie to be happy. That's not the same thing, but at the time I
thought it was. Then she had a nervous
breakdown and checked into a mental hospital for four months. Excuse me.
Starting to cry, Doug pulls a white
handkerchief from his pocket and wipes his eyes.
HEATHER
You carry a handkerchief?
DOUG
Every day. I know that's sort of old-fashioned, but I'm
really an old-fashioned romantic at heart.
I like to write love letters,
surprise my love with cards and flowers, small gifts. Open the door for her. My last girlfriend was sort of uncomfortable
about that kind of attention.
HEATHER
That's her loss. I wish more men were true romantics and knew
how to treat a woman. So then what
happened with your wife?
DOUG
Her mental health stabilized, but she
was alternating between a long list of physical and mental problems. Soon after we got married she told me, point
blank, that if I ever wanted a divorce all I had to do was let her know; she'd
gladly kill herself in that instance, because I was the only reason she had for
living.
HEATHER
That's quite a burden to put on
someone.
DOUG
I know, but it just made me try
harder. Eventually she gained an
incredible amount of weight, until she weight over 400 pounds and needed a
wheelchair to get around outside the house.
Through it all I stood by her.
Through the day-long migraine, the weeks where I never left the house
except to go to work. I stayed through
the manic fits, the tantrums where she threw and smashed things, the emergency
room visits, the hospitalizations. I
held her hand, wiped her tears, brought her flowers, cleaned the shit from her
clothes when she was sick, but I couldn't fix her. Finally, fifteen years to the day from when we first started dating, she gave
up on life and swallowed a bottle of Xanax.
She lived, and there's a lot more to the story, but it was a close
thing.
HEATHER
Oh that had to be so hard on you.
DOUG
It was, and I still feel guilty about
it. But when she gave up on life, that's
when I gave up for good on the marriage.
We're still good friends though.
She's living in Florida, and just remarried. I'm hoping that she finds all the happiness
she deserves, at last.
HEATHER
I hope I didn't push you too hard to
talk about all that.
DOUG
Actually it was refreshing to get
some of that out. I usually try to make
everything into a funny story.
HEATHER
I think the way you told it was just
fine. It was honest, and honesty is
important to me.
DOUG
So I'm not a complete disappointment
in person?
HEATHER
No Doug, I think you're even better
in person.
DOUG
How many margaritas did you have
again?
The Waiter returns to clear the
table.
WAITER
Any dessert tonight?
Doug looks to Heather, who shakes her
head.
DOUG
(to The Waiter)
No, not tonight. I think we've had all the food we can handle.
The Waiter leaves the bill and takes
the dishes away. Doug looks at the bill
and puts cash down to pay for the meal.
DOUG (CONT'D)
(to Heather)
I hope it’s okay that I'm
buying. I wouldn't really want it any
other way.
HEATHER
No, I don't mind at all.
(pause)
I only live around the corner you
know. Would you like to come over and
see my apartment?
DOUG
Are you sure that's okay with you?
HEATHER
I'm positive. I'd like you to.
Doug and Heather gather their things
and walk towards the exit. Doug reaches
over and holds Heather's hand as they walk.
DOUG
It's okay to hold your hand?
HEATHER
Yes, it's very okay.
DOUG
Good.
(pause)
But remember, no sex!
The lights fade to black.
Last
month, we gave you these two hypotheticals: #1 – As
a magazine publisher, you buy ALL rights to a story for $500. Unexpectedly the story inspires a movie and
nets you $500,000. Do you share any of
your windfall with the author? #2 –
During lunch, a valued client makes some offensive racist remarks. Do you make an issue of it?
Melinda Holley - #1 - Yes. While I may legally able to keep all the
money, any future authors may be reluctant to do business with me.
Sharing the windfall with the author will go a long way to establishing
positive credentials with other authors in the business.
#2 - Are these remarks made in public or
in a private conversation? If it's a private conversation, I'd probably
tear a strip off that person and suggest he find someone else to work
with. If it was done in public, I'd speak in a very cold and cutting tone
of voice and say that I didn't appreciate either the comment or the attitude
and that perhaps I needed to rethink our association.
Andy York - #1 - In the situation you list, yes (with the implied
condition that it was submitted rather than piece work).
I'd hope to encourage more writing by the individual and that they would think
of the magazine I published as first in line. If it was piece work (i.e., they were hired
to produce it or it was a part of their routine employment), I might. However,
the reward for this situation would be a higher rate for their next piece or a
raise/bonus as part of the employment package.
#2 -
Depends on the circumstances and the context of the remarks; but I'd likely
talk to the individual off to the side and let them know my views.
Per Westling - #1 - Yes I would at least give the
author something, although maybe just 10%. I would also buy more stories from
the author in the future, with better deals for the author.
#2 - Knowing myself I would probably clam up, and sulk. I have been in
similar, less critical, situation and sometimes, but not always, I have started
arguing.
Mark D Lew - #1. Seems unlikely it would be my decision to make,
since the rights probably belong to some sort of corporation. But assuming it
is, I'll give the guy something as a gift, but make it clear it's just to be
friendly and nothing to do with any obligation since he sold it fair and
square. I'm thinking somewhere around the $1,000 range, which is a pretty small
piece of my profit.
#2. Depends what you mean by an "issue". I
certainly mention it, but I don't think it has to be confrontational. Just say,
"Dude, that's totally uncool and a lot of people would find that
offensive." (Or if I personally found it offensive, which I probably
wouldn't since I'm not easily offended, "...and I find it
offensive.") It does not make me decide not to do business with him;
if me telling him I don't like his remark makes him decide not to do business
with me, so be it.
Don Williams - #1. Of course I give the author a bigger cut – I’m a good person
and have integrity and believe in “karma”. (“There are more things in
heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy … “) I’m
also a good businessman – if I give the author a better percentage on the
original, maybe he writes something else for me and we go on to make even more
money.
#2. Do I make an “issue” of his racist
comment? Depends on what you mean by “issue”. The first time, I
would let him know, perhaps verbally, but more likely non-verbally, that I
found the comment distasteful and uncivil. More than 70% of face-to-face
communication is non-verbal, and humans have been socially and biologically
overwritten with a very good understanding of non-verbal cues, so he/she would
get the message. If that one racist comment was end of it, I doubt the
issue would arise again. If it happened again, I would make a verbal
comment about it as my not saying anything now makes me a partner, willing or
otherwise, as that person should know where I stand on the issue. The
client aspect is also confusing … I have clients, but they are members of the
public. If this were a paying client who bought a service or product from
me I would do the same.
For the record, this is not a
hypothetical question and I’ve said something to someone (twice) in the
past. Where this whole thing breaks down, though, is at the point of
“What is a racist comment?” Some comments are obviously racist, and many
more are not. What is offensive to some may not be offensive to others ..
and I don’t mean that disingenuously. I grew up calling a chicano a chicano
and a black a black … hey, it was the seventies and everyone was doing
it. Now, to some people, both of those labels – and they are labels – are
considered racist, or at least disrespectful and offensive, but at the time it
was the name preferred by blacks and chicanos themselves. I’ve also been
involved when a person of color uses offensive language regarding their own
color and I find that racist and offensive and have also made a comment about
it. (I have one black employee who often slips into “ebonics” to ridicule
other blacks, and I’ve repeatedly told her to knock it off.)
Heather Taylor - #1. Yes, I’d give him 10%. I’m that kind of person.
#2. It depends how offensive the remarks were.
Wow, we got quite a few responses this month. Let’s keep it up. And remember, iif you’d like to comment on
any of these responses, feel free…generally I’d put those in the letter column.
For Next Month (For the time being, I am selecting questions
from the game “A Question of Scruples” which was published in 1984 by High
Games Enterprises). Remember you can
make your answers as detailed as you wish.: #1.
A friend has designs on a colleague of yours who is married. He asks you to introduce them. Do you?
#2. Two of your friends have had
a fight and are not speaking. One
regularly makes inquiries about the other.
Do you give information candidly?
Extract – I’m sure there are
people out there who have seen Office Space and hated it. There must be. But so far I haven’t found any. That
isn’t to say that the humor of Mike Judge is beloved in all cases; Idiocracy –
while a favorite film of some people – was to me a great idea with horrendously
unfunny execution. Fortunately, Extract
returns us back to the same sort of familiar humor as Office Space: an Everyman
who is somewhat unhappy in his life, while surrounded by oddball characters and
morons, is forced to determine what he can do to make himself satisfied with
life again.
In
the case of Extract, our straight man is Joel (Jason Bateman). Joel is a successful businessman, the founder
and owner of a company which produces and sells flavoring extracts. It’s not an exciting business, although he
does find some pleasure in it. His
employees are generally incompetent or lack basic skills, but Joel knows them
by name and in feels sorry for those who need some help (many of his employees
were hired off of the “Job One” program, which by inference is for unskilled
laborers).
Joel
has grown tired of this life, and hopes to sell the business so he can
retire. In the meantime, his sex life
with his wife is non-existent. His
former co-worker and buddy Dean (Ben Affleck) is a bartender at a local hotel,
and he tries to give Joel advice on how to spice up his life. Enter Cindy (Mila Kunis), an attractive
con-artist who uses her feminine wiles to get what she wants. In an effort to hook up with an injured
worker, and to convince him to sue Joel’s company, Cindy joins the workforce,
and feigns interest in Joel. Strongly
attracted to her, Joel considers cheating on his wife…but his guilt would never
let him do that.
In
typical stoner fashion, Dean comes up with a plan to relive that guilt: they
will hire a gigolo he knows, and give Joel’s wife the opportunity to be seduced
by him. If she succumbs, Joel will no
longer feel guilty, and he’ll be free to have sex with Cindy.
As
with Office Space, the plot is almost secondary to the characters Joel is
surrounded with. His goofy employees,
his annoying neighbor, the moronic gigolo/landscaper are all good for
laughs. Gene Simmons (of Kiss fame)
appears as an obnoxious and somewhat creepy lawyer who advertises on television
and represents the injured worker, and even he gets a chuckle or two. If you’ve seen Office Space and enjoyed it, I
think you’ll find Extract very funny, even if it is not up to the hilarity of
Office Space. That film is a classic;
this one is just a really good time.
Paranormal Activity – Alfred Hitchcock
once gave an interview where he explained what suspense was, and how it could
be used. In essence, he said that having
a bomb under a desk blow up could be frightening, but having that same bomb sit
under the desk for five minutes while two men in the room discussed baseball,
unaware of the bomb’s existence, was unnerving suspense. Paranormal Activity, which in some ways is
the new Blair Witch Project (a micro-budget horror film which is growing in
popularity by word of mouth), successfully uses that Hitchcockian principle to
frighten audiences at times, and keep them uneasy the rest of the film.
The
plot is simple enough, and much of it could be (and probably was) taken from
episodes of A Haunting, Ghosts, or any of a number of cable television shows
which retell haunting experiences which are supposedly based on truth. As Heather and I recently finished watching
seasons 1 and 2 of A Haunting, many of the ingredients were very familiar: a
young couple (Katie Featherston and Micah Sloat, who use their first names as
their character names as well) live in a two-story home in San Diego. Prior to the start of the film, we’re led to
believe they have experienced a number of nighttime disturbances: noises,
bumps, and voices. Katie has revealed to
Micah that this is nothing new for her; she’d gone through similar periods when
she was 8, 13, and at other times. Micah
doesn’t take the events seriously, but he does relish the idea of capturing any
paranormal activity on film. So he buys
himself a digital movie camera, which he sets up in their bedroom to capture
anything they might miss while asleep.
The
story progresses as you would expect it to.
The activity grows more frequent and more alarming, and now they have
proof that something or someone is causing it.
Katie becomes more frightened and agitated, while Micah seems to dare
the forces to let themselves be seen; whether this is because he wants more
“cool” footage, or because he feels he can deal with the problem if it is no
longer hidden (or both), we’re not sure.
A psychic is brought in, who suggests that because this has followed Katie
throughout her life, it is demonic rather than a haunting. In this instance, leaving the home will do no
good; it has followed Katie before, and it likely would do so again. He suggests they call on a colleague who
specializes in such matters, but Micah is the normal alpha male, and he is
determined to learn the answers to all the questions and eliminate the problem
on his own, despite Katie’s protests. So
step by step he makes stupid decisions and antagonizes the situation, which
would be less believable in a larger film.
But here, where the action never leaves the house and the interaction
between the couple is shown in such minute detail, it doesn’t come across as
dishonest characterization. And, as it
happens, Micah does many of the same things other husbands and boyfriends do in
various episodes of “true life” haunting episodes on television.
The
suspense lies in the videos the camera takes.
These are played back for the audience, with a clock in the lower right
hand corner. The videos speed through in
time-lapse format until something is about to happen, at which time they slow
to real-time speed. This is the
Hitchcock method; we know something is going to happen, but we simply don’t know
what it will be. Sometimes it is benign,
such as Katie waking from a nightmare.
Other times, it is unworldly.
If
you go to see this film alone, it won’t be that enjoyable. See it with someone you know; our theater was
rather empty, but that did not detract from our enjoyment or Paranormal
Activity. It isn’t a horror film in the
modern sense (where bloody, violent movies like Saw VI and remakes of Halloween
or April Fool’s Day rule the box office), but more of a suspense film. Regardless of how you classify it, it’s a fun
movie (and Heather was really scared and uptight by the time it ended, which is
always a bonus).
Seen on DVD – Rocky (B+, still holds up very well,
despite being over 30 years old now).
The
Eighteenth Angel (C-, you’d think a movie with generally high production
values and a few very nice shots would spend a few more hours filling up the
canyon-sized holes in the script). Papillon (B+, always a great movie but
it just drags out during the last 30 minutes). Californication Season 1 (A-, this series was much better than I
expected, and ended with a terrific cliffhanger). Flatliners
(B+, even after all these years a decent movie, and an exceptional direction
and cinematography job creating a very dark mood). Duel
(B+, early Steven Spielberg film which was a movie of the week on TV, still
holds up well). April Fool’s Day (B,
the original, kinda dopey but fun to watch, and no real gore). Following
(B+, Christopher Nolan [Memento] wrote and directed this effective
semi-noir film, which has some Memento-like aspects with cuts forward and back
but not in such a puzzling way). The Blair Witch Project (B, it will
never be as scary as it was opening weekend in a crowded art house theater, but
once a year or so it is still good entertainment, especially if you have the
deluxe version which includes the back-story extras). The
Brood (C+, still creepy but not as fun as I remember.)
Tom
Swider: Not sure about some of those answers for "movies difficult
to interpret". Brazil? View the director's final cut and it's
very clear, assuming you realize that many movies have dream sequences (e.g.
the music is definitely a cue). Eyes Wide Shut?
Kidman's little soliloquies at the end (while shopping at FAO Swartz's) sums up
the movie (about indiscretions, whether real or imagined). Memento? Put the DVD in and spin it backwards. Plan 9?
Required viewing before any trip to Salt Lake City.
Mulholland Drive? It's art like Eraserhead so just watch and enjoy the moments and
moods. 2001: A Space Odyssey? Confirms that the
lunar landing was indeed faked by NASA.
[[I do agree that Memento and Plan 9 do NOT in any way belong on
the list. Following, listed in the Seen
on DVD section, is worth a watch if you haven’t seen it yet, and again does not
belong on the list.]]
Andy York: About Inglorious Basterds
- I thought it was one of the best Tarantino movies I've seen. You capture the
madcap plot twists and storylines that seem to derail (or at least end up on
the wrong track); but still move forward. I recommend it as well.
[[Those
first 20 minutes were exquisite, almost like a little movie of its own.]]
Per Westling: One
improvement to ES would be to use page numbers. It would make it easier to read
the PDF version.
[[I have added them beginning this issue.]]
I should probably be ashamed that I hadn't found my way to ES before this, but
at last I am here... Fanzines have been a no-go for 10 years but now I'm
feeling that it might be time to take it up again…well, not publishing - that
is probably not in the future, even though it is completely different thing today
with its blogs, PDFs, Facebook etc I don't even
think a column is likely, but who knows. Anyway, you got an article to DW#100
at least.
Speaking of 10 years, last year was first time in about that period that I
visited a game con, LinCon. I went again this year, and probably will next
year. Nice to refresh on the game scene and see which new games there were.
[[I know there are so many excellent new games out there, but to
date I haven’t gotten around to trying any of them. I’m stuck in the past.]]
Paraic
Reddington: Just a thought. If you are looking for
content ideas - how about a serial story where you get a different guest writer
to submit a new chapter each issue? Nobody knows where the story is going or
how it will end. Each issue's writer can take it wherever he or she wishes it
to go - but it must begin where the previous 'chapter' finished.
[[I used to do such a thing in my pre-zine days on my BBS network
(most of you will have no idea what that means). Anybody out there interested in joining a
community story?]]
Out of the WAY #13
by W. Andrew York
(wandrew88 of gmail.com)
===================================
It’s
been a quiet month, for the most part, after my return from Chicago. The only
out of the ordinary thing I’ve done is take a trip on the Austin Steam Train.
Granted, the steam engine part of the steam train was filled in by a diesel
engine as the vintage steam engine is undergoing an extensive overhaul and
complete rebuild. However, it was still a worthwhile outing - my first on a
real train since I was six or seven, taking a trip to visit my aunt in Detroit
from Lansing Michigan.
Starting
just northwest of where I live, the train leaves from a station in Cedar Park.
This particular Saturday, it consisted of two lounge cars, two climate
controlled cars, a snack bar/souvenir car and four non-climate controlled cars.
I rode in one of the ones without heating or air conditioning as I expected a
nice October afternoon, which it turned out to be.
The
roughly two hour outbound trip was relaxing, rolling through beautiful
countryside and a surprisingly quiet set of passengers - even the many kids
weren’t too loud or rambunctious. Considering they had a captive audience, the
can of soda was only a dollar and the staff )almost all volunteers) were very
attentive and were concerned with making the trip as enjoyable as possible. As
an added plus, the conductor (who actually walked through the cars, punching
tickets and chatting) is Ben Sargent - a local Pulitzer Prize winning
cartoonist who would autograph a print of the train available for purchase.
For
this trip, once the destination of Burnet (pronounced Burn-It) was reached,
there was a two and a half hour layover to wander the town, eat lunch at one of
the restaurants, visit the farmer’s market, have a picnic, etc. Near the end of
the layover, there was a short “Wild West gunfight” skit and then the train
loaded for the leisurely return trip. Quite a few folks napped on the trip back
along the same track to Cedar Park. All in all, a great time!
I’ll
have to take another trip sometime soon. They have a shorter trip to Bertram
(with a fifteen minute turnaround), a Polar Express Christmas trip, murder
mystery outings and other special event trips.
Below
you’ll find the usual and an end to the first “Hangman, by Definition” game.
Based on one known letter in the word and one letter in the definition not only
did one person figure it out, but two! Mark Lew coasts to an easy win, getting
four of the five words with Dane Maslen coming up with two. Another game is
starting with slightly revised rules - instead of spotting players “E” and “S”,
those letters can never be revealed. We’ll see if this will level the playing
field a little.
===================================
Poll
Question
Each month a question will be
posed to the readership. Your thoughts and commentary are solicited for the
next issue. Also, any response to
what folks have submitted for the previous question
are very welcome.
This issue: Football, baseball, soccer (OK non-American football), golf – what is the one sport you couldn’t
do without and why is it so important to you?
[Doug Kent] I think I ENJOY watching Football the most, and look
forward to the season more than any other, but a big part of that is because
there are a limited number of games. Overall however,
Baseball is my sport. I have been a fan since I was a very young child. I love
the statistics, the records, the history, the
chess-match each pitch is...I prefer the low-scoring games we used to have, as
a 1-0 nothing
game excited me much more than an 11-7 one. But as a
part of my childhood, and a sport which I can see or hear every game my
local team plays (but where I can get the true feel
of the game from a decent box score and recap), it is the game that I am most
deeply tied with.
[Per Westling] Sport I couldn’t do without. I would say (ice) hockey.
I see about 40 games live each season, and read sports papers. Watching
the games are often (but not always) exciting, and I
think that the feeling is increased if you rout for a team. The happiness that
you
can feel when your team is playing good and
successful, is something you long for. At the same time, when your team is
doing badly,
or even is defeated in the playoffs, can make you
feel miserable for days.
[WAY] For me, I don’t watch that much in the way of sports,
though this year I’ve seen quite a bit of baseball as my interest in it has
reawakened. I also watch a bit of college football
(local University of Texas games, and the occasional Notre Dame one - a team a
friend of mine follows). But, is any of it “couldn’t
do without”, Nope. Though, baseball is to good have on the TV in the
background.
For next issue: With ten (count ‘em ten!) films to be in the running for “Best Picture” Oscar, which ones
from 2009 do you think are worthy of being included?
The
Month in History
November 4, 1939 - The US
passes the Neutrality Acts allowing “Cash and Carry” arms purchases to any
country able to buy arms and
transport them
to their country. Effectively, this is a benefit only for the Allied countries
due to the blockade of Germany.
November 9, 1989 - After a
poorly worded announcement that all East Germans would be eligible to receive
passports, the population of East
Berlin begin to gather at various crossing points in
the Berlin Wall. At 11:17pm, unable to obtain orders or direction from their
superiors and, after hearing reports that other
crosspoints were being opened, the guards at Checkpoint Charlie allow free
passage
into West Berlin and, effectively, brought down the
Wall (though, physically, it lasted a bit longer).
November 17, 1869 - The
101-mile Suez Canal opens for business.
November 22, 1859 - On the
Origin of Species by Darwin is published and sells out the first printing
in one day. Soon, the debate between
Creationism and Evolution begins and is unresolved
even today.
November 30, 1939 - The
Russo-Finnish War begins, with the much smaller and less well equipped military
of Finland fending off the massive
Soviet force sent against it for nearly four months.
The resulting purges do little to prepare their country for the upcoming German
attack.
Sources
include: current issue of Smithsonian; The World Almanac Book of
World War II edited by Peter Young
===================================
Letter Column
(always welcome, send them in!)
[Per Westling] Regarding local products, I buy quite a
lot of organic & local food, even bio dynamic. For example I tend to choose
district
brand of milk (East Gothia) to
the national brand (Arla), and once a week we get Ekoladan (Eco Box) delivered
to our door,
containing ecological (and
sometimes biodynamic) growth of vegetables and fruit. That’s from an
Antroposophic community close to
Stockholm, Sweden. (Of course,
local produced fruit is difficult in a cold country....). Besides local
produced food and ecological
food, I also try to choose Fair
Trade brands to support Third world countries. [WAY] Fair trade products
(which are those from Third
World countries that work to maximize
profits for the farmer, not the middlemen in the delivery chain) are not well
publicized or
available in the local markets,
beyond coffee and, to some extent, tea. I wish there was more of it readily
available.
[Per] Speaking of locally produced
things, one of the government boards gave an official recommendation that
people should buy locally
produced things. They got based
by the European Union, as they regard freedom of trade between countries as
more important than
the environment! Even though in
some parts of this country, locally produced by all means would mean produced
in another country.
[WAY] It’s
good to hear from you again Per and I hope to hear more from you in the future.
===================================
Babylon
5 Quote
In The Paragon of Animals:
G’Kar: “The
universe speaks in many languages, but only one voice. The language is not Narn
or Human or Centauri or
Gaim
or Minbari. It speaks in the language of hope. It speaks in the language of
trust. It speaks in the language of
strength,
and the language of compassion, the language of the heart and the language of
the soul. But always it is
the
same voice. It is the voice of our ancestors speaking through us, and the voice
of our inheritors waiting to be
born.
“It is the small voice that says ‘We are one. No matter the blood, no
matter the skin, no matter the world, no
matter the star, we are one. N matter the
pain, no matter the darkness, no matter the loss, no matter the fear, we
are one.’ Here, gathered together in common
cause, we agree to recognize this singular truth, and this singular
rule, that we must be kind to one another.
“Because each voice enriches us and ennobles us, and each voice lost
diminishes us. We are the voice of the
universe. The soul of creation. The fire
that will light the way to a better future. We are one.
“We are one.”
Source: But In Purple...I’m Stunning! by J. Michael
Straczynski, edited by Sara “Samm” Barnes, copyright 2008.
===================================
Recipe
of the Month
Recipe Philosophy: Except for
baking, recipes are only suggestions. I rarely precisely measure, eyeballing
most everything. The listed
measurements, for the most part, are estimates from
the last time I made the recipe. Feel free to adjust to meet your personal
tastes –
and remember, it is easier to add “more” of something
than to compensate when “too much” has been added.
For ingredients, if you don’t
like raw onions, omit them or replace with celery to retain the crunchiness. If
you like food with more spice, add
an extra jalapeno or use habenaros instead. On the
other hand, if you don’t like spicy food, replace the jalapeno with half a bell
pepper. Optional items are used when I’m looking for
a variation or making it for individuals with specific preferences.
Grilled Pepper
Snacks
version by W Andrew York
(last revised October 2009)
Ingredients (per serving):
6 Italian,
or Other Mild and Long, Peppers
1 pkg String
Cheese (six portions)
Steps:
1) Slice stem end from peppers and remove seeds
without splitting the peppers
2) Insert one portion of string cheese into the
pepper
(there should be about an inch
between the top of the cheese and the sliced end of the pepper)
3) Grill over hot coals until cheese is melted and
exterior of pepper is done
Notes:
- If cheese is melting out of the pepper, tilt the
cut end up slightly or prop up on a spare cooking utensil
- For a spicier bite, dice jalapenos and press into
the cheese before putting into the pepper.
- For a more substantial serving, diced cheese and
mix with ham or pre-cooked hamburger before placing in the pepper..
===================================
Commentary
I’ve recently been reading a book titled Besa:
Muslims Who Saved Jews in World War II (by Norman H. Gershman in 2008). In
it, the author includes photographs and documents the stories of families in
Albania, Kosovo and Macedonia who protected Jews and other refugees from the
Germans during the war. It is more of a coffee table book in price and
presentation, but the humanity and faith within the stories is
thought-provoking and humbling.
The baseline of the story is the Albanian principle
of Besa or an individual’s word of honor. Once given, the person is bound by it
regardless of the consequences. And, as the foreword states, it was “coupled
with another inherently Albanian folk principle - that of giving refuge to
someone in need of help.” The result was few of the Albanian Jews were ever
sent to the concentration camps. Additionally, after Italy’s surrender, Italian
troops were sheltered as were other refugees.
Many of the stories include statement that the entire
village knew of the Jews in their midst, but no one would tell the Germans or
that the Jews offered money or valuables in return for the shelter; but they
refused. The families often shared the same rooms, food and accepted each other
as family. And, they did it with little publicity after the war or with
expectation of recognition.
Israel has acknowledged many of their efforts by
naming them as “Righteous Among the Nations” and this book records their
sacrifices and efforts to protect their neighbors and others in need. In some
stories, families are still holding property left behind for their families to
reclaim, others have regained contact with those they sheltered since the fall
of Communism; but all take their actions as a matter of course. Bahrije Seiti
Borici (pg 86) “Why did we hide our Jewish family? Well, of course we would. We
were one family.” Basri Hasani (pg 106) “...I am a true Muslim....My door is
always open to anyone in need.” Higmete Zyma (pg 34) “Why hide a Jew? We just
did it. It was the thing to do.” Lima Balla (pg 2) “We were sheltering God’s
children under our Besa.”
It is a sobering, but uplifting, book - replete with sacrifice and oppression
under the German and Communist rule. However, the underlying story is we are
all one, regardless of religion, ethnicity or beliefs and each human being has
a responsibility towards every other.
If you do find the book, don’t read it cover to
cover. Take one story a day to reflect and consider how their actions matter
today.
===================================
Game
Section
Hangman, By Definition
This is a five round game,
with each round consisting of a variable number of turns. The winner will be
the person who wins the most rounds, with a tie breaker being fewest total
number of turns in those winning rounds. Second tie breaker will be the most
number of letters guessed (by total count revealed, not by individual letter).
Each round will consist of
identifying a word of at least six letters. Along with each word will be the
first definition given. Both words and definitions will be identified by blank
spaces. Words and definitions are verified in a dictionary that was my high
school graduation gift (slight hint to those who might want to find the
edition). [[Note – for the first round of this game, an online source was
used]]
The goal is to guess the word
in as few turns as possible. Each turn, all players will submit one letter to
be revealed. The letter submitted by the most players will be the letter
revealed in the next turn. Ties will be broken by a random method.
Additionally, each player should submit a guess for the word. Once the word is
correctly identified (spelling is important), that round will end and a new
round will begin. All players who guess the word in the same turn will share in
the win for the round. If the word is not guessed by the end of six turns with
no letter revealed, no one will win the round.
Along with revealing letters
in the word, letters will be revealed in the definition. There are no bonus
points for guessing any part of the definition, it is only there to help
players figure out the word. No guesses about parts of the definition will be
confirmed or displayed except by the letter revealed in that round. The letters
“E” and “S” can never be chosen as the letter to be revealed..
Game 1, Round Five, Turn One:
Letter Votes: A - 1, D - 1, M - 1, O - 1 Revealed:
N/A
Words Guessed: Mark
Lew - LAVISH; Dane Maslan - LAVISH; Doug Kent - Kibosh; Jim-Bob
Burgess - Truism
Solution:
Word: L A
V I S H
Definition: Extravagant; prodigal.
Revealed: E,
S
Words Guessed: Mark D Lew -
4, Dane Maslen - 2, Jim-Bob - 1
Game 2, Round One, Turn Zero:
Word: __ __
__ __ __
__ __
Definition: __ __
__ __ __
__; __ __
__ __ __ __
Never Revealed: E,
S Already
Revealed: <none yet>
Player Comments:
[Mark Lew] Interesting that Dane and I followed the same logic
on ACRID. I got farther than he did, but we were both on the
exact same track.
This next one looks pretty easy to me. The
grammar of the definition is plain: two simple synonyms. An 11-letter word that
starts with E and has no E’s or S’s anywhere else if
very limiting. I doubt there are more than a handful, and it will
probably be pretty clear which one is plausible.
Especially with one letter revealed from the defined word.
But, I’m busy tonight, and likely to stay
busy for another week or two, so I’ll try to resist the urge to sink hours into
looking
until later this month.
[Later] Yeah, OK, I looked a little
tonight already.
Looks like I was wrong about the E word.
I’m finding dozens of them, including quite a few that are entirely plausible
(educational, encouraging, egalitarian, elimination).
I don’t get any ----s- words out of those,
though. I don’t think any of them is it; it’s just an illustration that the E
word is not
nearly as limiting as I originally guessed.
I still say it’s solvable. A puzzle isn’t
unsolvable until you can come up with at least two answers that could be
correct. If
you’ve got zero, you just aren’t done looking.
[Many Days Later] Looking at Hangman
again.
I don’t think it’s truly unsolvable, but
finding it would require (like Espy’s “rhymeless rhyme”) a great deal of will
and time.
I have the verbosity, but I’m lacking in the other
two.
There are a lot of words that could be the
E one. Even if you limit it to plausible ones, I think there’s still about 20
of them,
And even more for the S word and the blank.
With that in mind, I decided a while back
that rather than determining to find the only answer, I would settle for
finding any
parings of E word and S word that’s a match. I’ve
finally come up with one: “ejaculation” could be “orgasm”. I don’t
think that’s it, but at least it *could* be it, so my
guess is ORGASM.
I vote for “O” for the next letter. I’m not
sure how to be strategic about letters, since the strategic goal would be not
what
reveals the most, but what reveals more to me than it
does to others. I’m not sure what that would be, though I’m pretty
sure that it would *not* be something that gives an
obvious clue like X or Q (either of which could easily be
immediately after that E, but the way - if it’s say,
equilibrium or exclamation).
[Last Note] Funny how this always
happens. Right after I email I have another thought.
Mentioning the X got me thinking about EX
words - exclamation, explanation, exploration, examination, extravagant...
And then I’m thinking “extravagant” seems
very promising. So I think a bit and it’s a good match with “lavish”. So that’s
my
new guess now: LAVISH.
That’s a guess I feel pretty good about. I
think it might actually be right. We’ll see.
[Dane Maslen] When I first saw this round, my immediate impression
was that not even Mark Lew would be able to crack it in
one go. Now I’m not so sure, given that I have come
up with a plausible answer and Mark is evidently better than me at
reasoning these things our.
It occurred to me that the word was
probably an adjective with two other adjectives given as the definition. Then I
realized
that 11-letter adjectives beginning with ‘E’ and
having no other ‘E’s or ‘S’s in them were not going to be hugely
abundant. Furthermore, given that it’s in the
definition, it must surely be a common adjective.
I tried thinking of suitable words and
came up with ‘exorbitant’; only to realize that it was a letter too short. It
did, however,
direct my attention towards words starting ‘ex’ and
those ending ‘ant’, so a decided to flick through a dictionary looking
for words that matched ‘ex------ant’. In the process
I spotted some alternatives, e.g. ‘explanatory’, that while not
uncommon were not convincing. When I encountered
‘extravagant’ my immediate reaction was that this was an
excellent candidate - indeed I looked no further
(though there wasn’t much further to go anyway).
Now I needed to find a 6-letter synonym
for ‘extravagant’ that matched ‘----s-’. Time to flick through a thesaurus!
Well,
actually, it was time to search for the thesaurus
that I knew sat on my bookshelves somewhere! That took considerably
longer
than the flicking through.
The
thesaurus yielded ‘lavish’ as a plausible possibility. As a cross-check I
looked up the definition of ‘lavish’ in Chambers.
Sure enough ‘extravagant’ was one of several meanings
given. Another was ‘prodigal’. Aha, an 8-letter adjective
containing no ‘E’s or ‘S’s!
The above looks very promising, and I’m
half convinced by it, but it’s all based on the initial leap of faith of
deciding to
concentrate on words beginning ‘ex’. As such it could
well be utter nonsense.
Incidentally, you’ll notice from the above
that whereas I decided that electronic aids (e.g. searching the SOWPODS word
list) constitute unfair assistance, I consider manual
aids fair. [WAY] Absolutely. [Dane] After all one’s got to have
some sort of idea where one’s aiming to be able to
make sensible use of a dictionary.
Possible future game openings
- Railway Rivals, Empire Builder,
Liftoff!, Pandemic
Suggestions accepted for other
games to offer.
===================================
Deadline for the Next Issue of Out of the WAY:
November 21, 2009 at 7:00am – See You Then!
Game entries, letters of
comment and other material can be sent to:
wandrew88 at gmail.com; or by post to: W. Andrew York; POB 201117;
Austin TX 78720-1117
Rating Players
by Paul Milewski
Playing Diplomacy is an activity some
people might characterize as each person in the game being out to promote his
own interests to the detriment of everyone else’s. My favorite illustrations of the difference
between “players and persons” is found in The Compleat Strategyst by J.
D. Williams (original copyright in 1954 by the Rand Corporation and now
available as a Dover publication, ISBN 0-486-25101-2) in which he describes 5
people sitting around a table playing poker: if 2 of the people have formed a
“coalition” [his term] it can be better analyzed as a 4-player game. “It is significant to count the number of
sets of opposing interest around the table, rather than the bodies. According to this principle, Bridge is
classed as a two-person game…” The parallel
to a Diplomacy game should be obvious.
Diplomacy, as it is commonly played, is a team activity. The teams (commonly called alliances) are not
determined before the start of the game, and the compositions of the teams may
change, with some teams breaking up or being formed as the game goes
along. (I’ve never heard of two or more
players collaborating to come up with preference lists that will enhance their
chances of getting starting positions next to each other so they can form an
alliance right off the bat.) I have to
admit that there is something curiously disappointing to me about being in a
game in which it is obvious that 2 or 3 of the players have formed an alliance
with the intention of sharing in a draw and appear to be unalterably committed
to that end. I think the word I am
looking for is “boring,” but I am willing to admit that that is being pretty
judgmental on my part. Me,
judgmental? Who would have expected
that?
Some
numerical systems for rating players involve awarding 1 for a solo win, some
lesser amount (a fraction between 0 and 1) for some less illustrious result,
such as being included in a draw, and perhaps 0 for being eliminated or merely
surviving. An example of such a system
is the one used by Andy Lischett in Cheesecake. (Believe it or not, I’m not writing these
articles for Doug to pick on Andy—there just aren’t many postal zines to choose
from right now.) In his system, a being
in a two-way draw is worth 0.50, a three-way draw 0.33, etc. He divides the accumulated points by the
number of games to get an average, which he refers to as your “score.” (Andy’s system does not count standby
positions unless they “help a player’s rating.”
For instance, the rating published in Cheesecake issue #273 Mark
Fassio has two games results included, both were standby positions, a 0.33 and
a 1; including the 0.33 would produce a rating of (0.33 + 1)/2 = 0.667 so the
0.33 is not included and his rating is 1.000, ranking him at the
top of the pack with Michael Lowrey, who had two wins as a standby, earning a
rating of (1 + 1)/2 = 1.000, too.)
This should remind you of scoring systems
for chess matches or tournaments. The
scoring often involves 1 point for a win and ½ point for a draw. Chess is a one-on-one game with a winner and
a loser, so awarding a 1 or a 0 seems reasonable; the ½ for a draw may be a
shakier proposition in certain situations, but that’s a chess discussion. The numerical result is not an expression of
how much better one player is than the other; it’s just a system for
determining the winner of a match or tournament. Averaging points by dividing by the number of
games played by a particular person participating in a chess tournament
produces an indication of how well the person has done so far for
purposes of comparison. If Kathy and
Melinda are both in a tournament with a large number of players, Kathy has won
3 games out of 6 she’s played so far and Melinda has won 5 games out of 10 she
has played so far, they’re both “averaging” 1 win every 2 games. Expressed numerically, that would be similar
to the 0.500 of Andy’s system.
I am 60 years old, and many, many times
I’ve mentioned some movie star or politician or world famous person to someone
younger than myself and realized that the person I’m talking to has no idea who
I mean. It is with a similar mixture of
nostalgia and bitterness that I conjure up the memory of the 1976 rulebook,
which defines winning as 18 supply centers—it also mentions a “short game” (a
game with a fixed time limit) in which “the player who has the most pieces on
the board at that time” is the winner.
More to the point, “players may terminate the game by mutual agreement before
a winner is determined, in which case all players who still have
pieces on the board share equally in a draw.”
(I’ve never seen a game conducted according to the “short game”
rule.) I strongly suspect that anyone
who is currently active in (what’s left of) the postal hobby can attest that
many, if not most, players now play for a draw, as if being included in a draw is
winning. Of course, you can’t negotiate
very well unless you know what the other person wants. From the point of view of someone taking that
approach, or defining the victory condition in those terms, evaluating being in
an n-way draw as being worth 1/n of a point may appear to make
sense. But to someone with such a goal,
is being in a 3-way draw “worth” one-third of a solo, 18-center win? I doubt it.
It is also clear that the “rulebook” victory condition does not take
into account the team nature of play; you don’t define the winner of a baseball
game as being the person who himself scores the most runs in that
particular game; it’s the team that wins or loses a
game. Players are evaluated or rated on
the basis of what they do that is likely to promote the interests of the team:
batting average, RBI, ERA, etc.
Moreover, it is difficult to express numerically the quality of a
person’s Diplomacy playing. The very
best indication of how well a person did in the game is probably found in the
endgame statements, but these treasure troves of information are often
incomplete, arguably biased, and sometimes meager.
I might add, parenthetically, that “house”
rules such as draws-include-all-survivors (usually abbreviated simply as DIAS)
may be ignoring, or even interfering with, the team nature of play that is
really going on in a Diplomacy game. It
seems clear on its face that with the Diplomacy board the way it is, with 34
supply centers, and the game beginning with 7 players together controlling 22
of those centers, nobody playing any of the 7 positions stands much of a chance
of advancing his own selfish interests without convincing some other player(s)
to help him, unless the other players are incredibly incompetent or just plain
weird. Playing against people who do not
share his goal of an 18-center solo win for themselves may prove to be an
insurmountable obstacle to someone who is hoping for an 18-center
solo win for himself. Indeed, I have
read that Calhamer, the game’s designer, assumed that once anyone seemed to be
gaining an advantage over everyone else, the other players would gang up on
him. In other words, he assumed the game
has an inherent equilibrium or stable state, roughly corresponding to the
“balance of power” at the beginning of play, to which it would return. This is clearly not the case. I have never been in, or seen, a game that
did not steadily and surely evolve away from the initial balance of power. Only rarely does one of the 7 starting
positions not end up being eliminated within a few game years; in
most games I’ve been in, the only question is who will be the
first to go. It follows that the
rulebook’s victory conditions are also simplistic, naïve, and misguided. (I know that sounds harsh, but it’s nothing
personal against Calhamer. My own
attitudes toward some of the most important things in life have been
simplistic, naïve, and misguided.) It’s
very much like classical economics being based on rational behavior when we
know that most people make irrational choices, and I’m not excluding
myself. I am talking about looking
through superficial appearances and self-serving rationalizations to see why
people are really doing what it is they’re doing. For instance, what men tend to find sexually
attractive in a woman are those things generally indicative of good health and
suitability for reproduction, which may involve a certain youthful
vitality. What a man typically thinks
he sees are breasts and thighs and various other portions of female
anatomy. (It’s hard to work something
interesting like sex into an article about Diplomacy, but I try.)
Brain Farts: The Only Subsubzine With It’s Own
Fragrance
By Jack “Flapjack” McHugh – jwmchughjr “of”
gmail.com
(or just email Doug and he’ll send it to me)
Issue #12
What amazes me is that most of you
dipshits can’t be bothered to write me, and yet I received (through Doug) a
comment from the great Per Westling, all the way from Sweden. If he can take the time to come out of hobby hibernation and send me an email, why
can’t the rest of you?
Per Westling : Don't
know what XXX By Popular Demand is, but BPD is a fun game. I will even join ES-BPD...I have not much to
say about "cash for clunkers" and if it is a good idea to spend money
on that. One thought I have about this is - How long time does it take to make
a gallon of oil? I don't mean collecting it / pump it up, but actually make it.
There is a reason for oil not being called renewable.
Thanks for the letter. I’m glad you’re joining Doug’s By Popular
Demand, but trust me when I tell you that my XXX version will be more fun. I’m poor and only working part time still, so
I can’t offer prizes the way Doug does, unless he decides to donate one. But next issue when I start my XXX version
you’ll realize it isn’t as lame as Doug’s.
“Who was your favorite character on Fraggle Rock?” Come on, his categories suck more than a new
$400 vacuum cleaner. Thanks again for
writing; I wish more of these losers would follow your example.
I took a trip to Florida this
month, which really means my wife took one and I had to go along. The drive down wasn’t so bad, but the drive
back was terrible. Traffic, car
problems, and I was so damn tired by then.
I did manage to shoplift a nice little “Welcome to Florida” ashtray from
a gas station. Too bad I don’t smoke
anymore.
One thing was kinda sucks is
I have to get this column to Doogie before the normal zine deadline, so some of
the things I’d like to talk about (such as who my Phillies will be playing in
the World Series) aren’t settled. For a
few minutes last night it looked like the Yankees had won their series with the
Angels, but I went to take a piss and by
the time I got back (I had to empty about 5 beers so it took a few minutes) the
Angels had the lead again. Either way, I
predict the Phillies will win it all. So
stick that in your pipe and smoke it, suckholes!
I think my baseball picks
this year were pretty good. I wasn’t
perfect, but you get what you pay for.
I’ll review them for your benefit.
In the AL East, I had Toronto winning.
Okay, that was wrong, but I didn’t expect the Yankees to sign every
single free agent in the universe, plus a few from other dimensions. So I can’t be blamed for that. In the AL Central I had Minnesota, which was
spot on. In the AL West I had Texas
ahead of the Angels, but that was before I knew Tom Hicks had more financial
problems then I do. So I think that was
decent. Plus the Rangers played much
better than the pundits thought they would.
In the National League, I
predicted Philly (hooray for me), and I had St. Louis as a wild card (which I
was close on). I didn’t think the
Dodgers would have such a great year, but now I am glad they did because it
meant Philly didn’t have to play a difficult team to make it to the World Series. And hopefully this is the end of Joe
Torre. Ugh, I am so sick of him! So overall I wasn’t perfect, but I did
okay. And don’t forget, I’m the one who
gave you Arizona vs. Pittsburgh last year.
I’m waiting to see if more of
you are interested in XXX By Popular Demand before I start it, so tell me or
Doug if you’re considering playing. I’ll
probably start it next issue. I’m not
considering running anything else right now, so sign up for Doogie’s games
instead.
As usual, I’ll finish my
column off with a couple of jokes. These
are both older ones but I’m too classy to give you Michael Jackson or Walter
Cronkite humor.
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in
her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea. As he sat facing her old
Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of
it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a
condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of
him and he could no longer resist. “Miss
Beatrice,” he said while pointing to the bowl, “I wonder if you would tell me
about this?”
“Oh, yes,” she replied,
“Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I
found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the
organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you
know I haven't had the flu all winter!
The
Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.. "Can I
help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man
replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps
someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that
she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket
and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon
the man calmly left..
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there
were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the
money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could
believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At
the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used
my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man
replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who
lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father
died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to
you."
See You Next
Month!
Diplomacy (Black Press – Permanent Opening
in ES):
Signed up: None, needs seven to fill.
Diplomacy “Cronin Special” (White Press): A regular Diplomacy
game with White Press, but with Larry Cronin and his two sons together in the
same game. If they’re anything like my
family, that’s no guarantee they’ll be allies – more likely they’ll constantly
stab each other. But come sign up and
help the two Cronin sons get some PBM experience! Signed up: Larry Cronin, Michael Cronin, Chuy
Cronin, Pat Vogelsang, Graham Wilson, Brad Wilson, need 1 more to fill. Let’s get this filled up THIS issue!
Gunboat Diplomacy (Black Press): Signed up: One,
need six more to fill. Sign up now!
Fog of War Diplomacy (Black Press): Signed up: Jack
McHugh, Graham Wilson, Mark Firth, Paraic Reddington, need three more to fill. Rules can be found in ES #30. The only portion of the game which will run
here in the zine would be the press, as the maps and the supply center
information is all private. And, of
course, the end-game statements and report would be run here. But the game would run under the usual ES
schedule. If nobody else signs up for this by next issue I will drop it.
Deviant Diplomacy II (Black Press): Signed up: None,
needs seven to fill. Crazy game,
completely out of its mind. Rules were
in Eternal Sunshine #23. Check out the
game currently running if you want to see what this is like! If
nobody signs up by next issue I will drop it.
Colonial Diplomacy: Game has been
moved to Paul Bolduc’s Boris the
Spider.
Diplomacy Bourse (Black Press): Buy and sell the
currencies of the Diplomacy nations.
This Bourse is using the new game “Dulcinea” as its basis. Players may join at any time (one just
joined this issue), and are then given 1000 units of every currency
still in circulation. The rules to
Bourse can be found in ES #24.
By Popular Demand: Game currently
underway, join any time. New game starts
this issue!
Standby List:
HELP! I need standby players! – Current
standby list: Graham Wilson, Jim Burgess (Dip only), Jeremie Lefrancois (Dip
only), Lance Anderson (Dip only), Martin Burgdorf, and whoever I beg into it in
an emergency.
I may offer another Gunboat 7x7 soon, so
keep your eyes open. I’m also considering
variants like Cline 9-Man (one player has shown interest so far), Youngstown,
or Woolworth. Does anybody have an
interest in Kremlin? If somebody wants
to guest-GM a game of anything, just say the word. If you have specific game requests please let
me know.
Diplomacy
“Wouldn’t It Be Nice?” 2008A, W 07/S 08
Austria (Kevin
Wilson
- ckevinw “of” comcast.net): Build A Vienna..A Budapest – Galicia, A Galicia – Silesia,
F
Greece Supports A Rumania - Bulgaria (*Cut*), A Rumania - Bulgaria
(*Fails*),
A
Serbia Supports A Rumania – Bulgaria, F Tunis - Ionian Sea, A Vienna -
Tyrolia (*Bounce*),
A
Warsaw Supports A Galicia - Silesia.
England (Jérémie
LeFrançois - jeremie.lefrancois “of”gmail.com): F Baltic Sea – Berlin, A Denmark – Kiel,
F
English Channel - North Sea, F Irish Sea - Mid-Atlantic Ocean (*Fails*),
F
Mid-Atlantic Ocean - Portugal (*Bounce*), A Moscow – Livonia,
F
North Atlantic Ocean Supports F Irish Sea - Mid-Atlantic Ocean (*Fails*), F
North Sea - Helgoland Bight,
F
Picardy – Belgium, A Sevastopol Supports F Black Sea - Rumania (*Void*).
France (William Wood
– woodw “of” offutt.af.mil): A Brest – Gascony, A Paris Supports A Brest
- Gascony.
Germany (Graham
Wilson – grahamaw “of” rogers.com): Build A
Munich..
A
Burgundy - Marseilles (*Bounce*), A Munich - Tyrolia (*Bounce*), A
Prussia - Silesia (*Fails*),
A
Silesia - Bohemia.
Italy (Don Williams
– dwilliam “of” fontana.org): Plays 1 short.. F Gulf of Lyon - Tyrrhenian Sea,
A
Marseilles - Spain (*Fails*), F Piedmont - Marseilles (*Bounce*), F
Spain(nc) - Portugal (*Bounce*),
F
Western Mediterranean Supports F Gulf of Lyon - Tyrrhenian Sea.
Turkey (Brad Wilson
- bwdolphin146 “of”yahoo.com): F
Aegean Sea Convoys A Constantinople – Greece,
F Black
Sea Supports F Bulgaria(ec), F Bulgaria(ec) Supports F Black Sea (*Cut*),
A
Constantinople - Greece (*Fails*).
Summer/Fall 1908 Deadline is November 24th 2009 at 7:00am my time
PRESS
F to All:
Our Emperor did not die on St Helena.
He will return. The Destiny of France
can only be postponed by the barbarian occupation... not denied.
Diplomacy
“Dulcinea” 2008C,Winter 04/Spring 05
Austria (Stephen
Agar – stephen “of” stephenagar.com): Retreat
A Tyrolia - Trieste.. Build A Vienna..
F
Apulia Supports F Ionian Sea – Naples, A Bohemia Supports A Vienna – Tyrolia, A
Trieste Supports A Venice,
A
Ukraine Supports A Sevastopol – Moscow, A Venice Supports A Vienna – Tyrolia, A
Vienna – Tyrolia,
A
Warsaw Supports A Sevastopol - Moscow.
England (Philip
Murphy trekkypj “of” gmail.com): F English Channel Convoys A Wales – Gascony,
A
Livonia - St Petersburg, F Mid-Atlantic Ocean Convoys A Wales – Gascony, F
North Sea - Norwegian Sea,
F St
Petersburg(nc) – Norway, A Wales - Gascony.
France (Brad Wilson
– bwdolphin146 ”of” yahoo.com): Build F
Brest.. F Brest Supports A Picardy,
F
Marseilles - Spain(sc), A Paris - Burgundy (*Bounce*), A Picardy
Supports A Paris - Burgundy.
Germany (William
Wood – woodw “of” Offutt.af.mil): Build A
Berlin… F Baltic Sea – Prussia,
A
Belgium Supports A Ruhr – Burgundy, A Berlin – Silesia, A Holland – Kiel, A Munich
Supports A Berlin – Silesia,
A
Ruhr - Burgundy (*Bounce*).
Italy (Melinda
Holley – genea5613 “of” aol.com): Remove A
Tyrolia, F Naples..
F
Gulf of Lyon Supports A Piedmont – Marseilles, A Piedmont – Marseilles, F Tunis
- Ionian Sea (*Fails*).
Russia (Jack McHugh –
jwmchughjr “of” gmail.com): Retreat A Warsaw. –
OTB..
A Moscow Hold (*Dislodged*, ret Livonia or
OTB).
Turkey (Jim Burgess –
jfburgess “of” gmail.com): Build F Smyrna..
F
Aegean Sea Supports F Eastern Mediterranean - Ionian Sea, F Black Sea –
Sevastopol,
F
Eastern Mediterranean - Ionian Sea, F Ionian Sea – Naples, A Rome Supports F
Ionian Sea – Naples,
A
Sevastopol – Moscow, F Smyrna - Eastern Mediterranean.
For those of you interested, a “duplicate” of this game now
exists (but I am not printing it separately until necessary, which will be in
ES #36). You can see the details by
checking out the game of Deviant Diplomacy II, and in particular reading Rule
#31)
Summer/Fall
1905 Deadline is November 24th 2009 at 7:00am my time
PRESS
THE REAL PM - I *am* the real PM. All you other PMs are just ... imitators.
So won't the real PM.... please stand up? ... please stand up?
.........Please. Stand. Up.
PRIME MINISTER TO ALL - What I
propose is that we, as a government, stand firmly behind our people, with big
sticks while their houses are repossessed by the banks and their personal
assets are seized by debt collectors. We cannot, will not condone the criminal
actions of debtors against the soverign rights of Her
Majesty's Government. We shall fight debtors wherever they are, be they
at home or abroad. Her Majesty's Armed Forces
will intervene, firmly and decisively against this threat to our national
security. I have announced, therefore that we shall be merging the Ministry of Defence and HM Revenue into a new
department - The Ministry of Financial Ruin.
PRIME MINISTER TO FRANCE. Malheureusement, oui. Apres moi, la deluge.
LE PETIT NAPOLEON TO EUROPE: All for
one, or one for all?
“Dulcinea”
Diplomacy Bourse
Billy Ray Valentine: No activity.
Duke of York: Sells 500 Francs
and 237 Lire. Buys 606 Piastres.
Smaug the Dragon: Sells 300 Crowns,
500 Francs, 500 Lire, 500 Rubles. No
purchases.
Rothschild: Sells 325
Pounds. Buys 85 Crowns, 93 Francs, 98
Marks, and 77 Piastres.
Baron Wuffet: No activity.
Wooden Nickel Enterprises: Sells 500 Lire,
500 Rubles. Buys 445 Crowns, 445 Marks.
VAIONT Enterprises: No activity.
Insider Trading LLC: Sells 36 Francs,
500 Marks, 500 Lire. Buys 350 Pounds,
500 Piastres.
Next Bourse Deadline is November 23rd 2009 at 7:00pm my time
PRESS
WNE –
GM: Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. That’s the sound of us all sucking.
DUKE OF
YORK comes up on the outside: This turn I should move into fourth
place, here I come!!! My countrymen are useless....
SMAUG TO MIDDLE EARTH - These 'quantative easing' measures are hammering my Sterling
futures! For shame, Mr Brown! *snorts flame!*
Diplomacy “Just a Taste” 2009C, Fall 1901
Austria
(William Wood – woodw “of” offutt.af.mil):
F
Albania – Greece,
A Serbia Supports A Ukraine
– Rumania, A Trieste - Albania.
England
(Robert Jewett – Robert_Jewett “of” navyfederal.org
and robertjewett “of” yahoo.com):
F North Sea Convoys A Yorkshire – Norway, F Norwegian Sea -
Barents Sea, A Yorkshire - Norway.
France
(Paraic Reddington - Paraic.Reddington
“of” vix-erg.com): A Burgundy – Belgium,
F Mid-Atlantic Ocean -
Spain(sc), A Spain - Portugal.
Germany
(Philip Murphy trekkypj “of”
gmail.com): A Bohemia – Galicia, F Denmark – Sweden,
A Silesia Supports A
Bohemia - Galicia.
Italy
(Ian Pringle - pringle.ian “of” btinternet.com):
A Apulia
– Tunis,
F Ionian Sea Convoys A
Apulia – Tunis, A Venice Hold.
Russia
(Don Williams – dwilliam “of” fontana.org):
F Gulf
of Bothnia - Baltic Sea, A Moscow – Warsaw,
F Sevastopol - Black
Sea (*Bounce*), A Ukraine - Rumania.
Turkey
(Graham Wilson – grahamaw “of” rogers.com): F Ankara - Black Sea (*Bounce*),
A
Armenia - Sevastopol (*Fails*), A Bulgaria - Rumania (*Fails*).
Winter 1901/Spring 1902 Deadline is November 24th 2009 at 7:00am
my time. Winter will be separated by 2
requests.
Supply Center Chart:
Austria:
Budapest, Greece, Serbia,
Trieste, Vienna=5, Build 2
England:
Edinburgh, Liverpool,
London, Norway=4, Build 1
France:
Belgium, Brest, Marseilles,
Paris, Portugal, Spain=6, Build 3
Germany:
Berlin, Kiel, Munich,
Sweden=4, Build 1
Italy: Naples,
Rome, Tunis, Venice=4, Build 1
Russia:
Moscow, Rumania, Sevastopol,
St Petersburg, Warsaw=5, Build 1
Turkey:
Ankara, Bulgaria,
Constantinople, Smyrna=4, Build 1
Unowned:
Denmark, Holland.
PRESS
Reuters: Due to
unforeseen circumstances, deliveries to Germany
of the 1901 Michelin guide could not be completed in time. As a result, German armies have been left without any maps and are
wandering aimlessly around Europe as a result.
In
other news: Earthquake strikes Armenia. Turkey sends in troops to support the relief
effort.
RUSSIA to ENGLAND & FRANCE: Hey, this kraut is a bird brain … come and get him!
RUSSIA to AUSTRIA: Thanks, sir! May I have another?
General Oggo Hellen-Mutt von Klingerhofen to Der Spiegel: Ah you ask why ve send our forces into Galicia? Das ist part of
a master plan. By the time this interview is printed, ve shall have schlammed
our 6th Army here into Konigsgrad und take them from the rear!!!! Was? Wir
haben only zwei armies? Das ist not good enough! How can I vin if zer ist not
enough armies! Gott im Himmel! *storms out of the room*
RUSSIA to AUSTRIA:
Don’t look now, but I’d say you have a golden opportunity to explore the
northern reich to your best advantage.
F to All: Rumours abound
that the wandering German armies have been eating carrier pigeons heading west.
As a result, the French high command has been receiving little or no
communication from the east.
RUSSIA to TURKEY:
You want a piece of me, too? Were we married or something? I
haven’t seen this kind of a knife fight since my last divorce!
The Kaiser to the Tzar: Our Swedish brothers are not for your grubby hands. Go home!
Diplomacy
“Bellicus” from Strange Meeting, Fall/Winter 1905
England
(Smiley McKinnon – Boltar35 “of” aol.com): F Edinburgh Hold, A London Hold,
F
North Sea - Belgium (*Fails*).
France
(Pat Vogelsang – godawgsgo33 “of” yahoo.com): A Belgium Supports A Ruhr - Holland (*Cut*),
A
Burgundy Supports A Silesia – Munich, F English Channel - London
(*Fails*), A Gascony Hold, F Irish Sea Hold,
A
Liverpool – Clyde, A Ruhr - Holland (*Fails*).
Germany
(Beartla de Burca – beartlab “of” yahoo.ie): A Holland Supports A Kiel
(*Cut*),
A
Kiel Supports A Munich (*Disbanded*), A Munich Supports A Kiel
(*Dislodged*, retreats OTB).
Italy
(David Latimer – davidlatimeryork “of” yacoo.co.uk): F Adriatic Sea - Trieste
(*Fails*),
A
Tyrolia Supports F Adriatic Sea – Trieste, F Tyrrhenian Sea – Tunis, A Venice
Supports F Adriatic Sea - Trieste.
Russia
(Chris Babcock – cbabcock “of” asciiking.com): F Baltic Sea Convoys A Livonia – Kiel,
A
Berlin Supports A Silesia – Munich, F Denmark Supports A Livonia – Kiel, A
Livonia – Kiel,
F
Norway - Norwegian Sea, A Silesia – Munich, A Sweden – Norway, A Vienna
Supports A Trieste,
A
Warsaw - Silesia.
Turkey
(Phil Amos – p.v.a “of” btinternet.com): F
Aegean Sea - Ionian Sea, F Albania Supports A Trieste,
A
Bulgaria – Serbia, F Constantinople - Aegean Sea, F Greece Supports F Aegean Sea
- Ionian Sea,
F
Ionian Sea - Tyrrhenian Sea, A Serbia – Budapest, A Trieste Hold.
Supply Center Chart
England: Edinburgh,
London=2, Remove 1
France: Belgium,
Brest, Liverpool, Marseilles, Paris, Portugal, Spain=7, Even
Germany: Holland=1,
Even
Italy: Naples,
Rome, Tunis, Venice=4, Even
Russia: Berlin,
Denmark, Kiel, Moscow, Munich, Norway, Sevastopol, St Petersburg, Sweden,
Vienna, Warsaw=11, Build 2
Turkey: Ankara,
Budapest, Bulgaria, Constantinople, Greece, Rumania, Serbia, Smyrna,
Trieste=9, Build 1
England: Removes F North Sea.
Russia: Builds F St Petersburg(nc), Build A Moscow.
Turkey: Builds F Constantinople.
Spring/Summer
1906 Deadline is November 24th 2009 at 7:00am my time
PRESS
England to Germany, France and Italy: "Please can we stop
fighting each other and concentrate on the threat from the East? Otherwise this
game is as good as over".
Italy to
Russia,"Sounds good to me, just
let me know when".
Russia
to all: "You are making this so easy".
Italy to
all "Turkey is no longer an independent player, control of
Turkish forces has now been given to Russia, we need to stop him now!"
Turkey
to Russia, "Whatever you say Boss..."
Official Press
from Italy: Surprised? Gotta keep you rotters on your toes! See you next month.
Grandmother and Eggs?
Some quotes from 'The Gamers Guide To Diplomacy' 2nd Edition March
1979, published by Avalon Hill...
"The key to victory is communication".
" Restricting negotiation is always a mistake".
" It is a huge mistake to stop negotiating with enemies. It
frequently happens that two players fighting each other one season may form a
profitable alliance the next. But they can't do that if they stop speaking to
each other".
Diplomacy
“Chimaera” from Strange Meeting, Fall/Winter 1905
Austria
(Tim Deacon – timdeacon1 “of” hotmail.com): A Greece Hold, A Trieste Hold,
A Vienna Supports A Trieste.. Build A
Budapest, plays 1 short.
England
(Nigel Pepper – nepper “of” totalise.co.uk): A Brest Supports A Burgundy – Paris,
A Burgundy – Paris, F English Channel -
Mid-Atlantic Ocean (*Fails*),
A Gascony Supports F Mid-Atlantic Ocean -
Spain(sc), F Holland - Belgium (*Bounce*),
F Irish Sea Supports F English Channel -
Mid-Atlantic Ocean, F Kiel Hold, A Liverpool – Wales,
F Mid-Atlantic Ocean - Spain(sc), F Picardy
- Belgium (*Bounce*).. Build F Liverpool.
France
(Robert Jewett – Robert_Jewett “of” navyfederal.org and robertjewett “of”
yahoo.com):
A Paris - Brest (*Disbanded*), F Portugal Supports F Western Mediterranean -
Mid-Atlantic Ocean,
A Ruhr - Belgium (*Bounce*),
F Spain(sc) Supports F Western
Mediterranean - Mid-Atlantic Ocean (*Dislodged*, NRR, ret OTB).
Italy
(Jimmy Cowie – jcowie “of” madasafish.com): F Ionian Sea Hold,
F North Africa Supports F Western Mediterranean
- Mid-Atlantic Ocean, A Tyrolia Supports A Venice (*Cut*),
A Venice Supports A Tyrolia, F Western
Mediterranean - Mid-Atlantic Ocean. Remove
F North Africa.
Russia
(Mike Oliveri – oliverima “of” aol.com): F Ankara Supports F Black Sea – Constantinople,
A Armenia Supports A Constantinople – Smyrna,
F Baltic Sea – Berlin, A Berlin – Munich,
F Black Sea – Constantinople, A Bohemia -
Tyrolia (*Fails*), A Bulgaria Supports A Greece,
A Constantinople – Smyrna, A Silesia Supports
A Berlin – Munich, A Ukraine - Rumania.
Build F Sevastopol,
A Warsaw.
Turkey
(Eric Knibb – eric_knibb “of” blueyonder.co.uk): F Aegean Sea no move received,
A Smyrna, no move received
(*Disbanded*). Remove F Aegean Sea.
Draw Now Proposed – E/R. Please vote!
NVR=No
Spring/Summer
1906 Deadline is November 24th 2009 at 7:00am my time
Supply Center Chart:
Austria:
Budapest, Greece, Serbia,
Trieste, Vienna=5, Build 2 (Room for 1)
England:
Belgium, Brest, Denmark,
Edinburgh, Holland, Kiel, Liverpool, London, Norway,
Paris, Spain=11, Build 1
France:
Marseilles, Portugal=2,
Even
Italy:
Naples, Rome, Tunis,
Venice=4,Remove 1
Russia:
Ankara, Berlin, Bulgaria,
Constantinople, Moscow, Munich, Rumania, Sevastopol, Smyrna,
St Petersburg, Sweden, Warsaw=12, Build 2
Turkey: None=0, OUT!!
PRESS
Austria - All: As I, now, have a new
email address I am back in the game. My email address is
timdeacon1@hotmail.com
Austria - Russia:
Thanks for your continued support whilst I've been away, perhaps we can resume
our friendly discussions/alliance.
Diplomacy
“Albion” from Strange Meeting, Spring/Summer 1905
AUSTRIA-HUNGARY
(Douglas Kent): F(Tun) s TURKISH F(ION) - TYS; A(Ven) - Apu; A(Bud) - Gal; A(War)
s A(Bud) - Gal; A(Ser) - Tri; A(Tri) - Tyr; A(Vie) s A(Tri) - Tyr
ENGLAND (Jeremy Tullett): F(Edi)
Stands (DISLODGED TO Cly)
FRANCE (Mark Stretch): F(WMS)
- TYS (FAILED); A(Pie) - Ven; F(Mar) - GoL; A(Spa) - Gas; A(Lpl) - Edi; F(IRI)
Stands unordered; F(MAO)-IRI(NO SUCH UNIT)
GERMANY
(Toby Harris): A(Tyr) - Tri (FAILED, DISLODGED TO Pie); A(Mun) - Boh; A(Ber) -
Pru; A(Gal) - Rum (FAILED, DISLODGED TO Sil); A(Nwy) s A(Swe) - Fin; A(Swe) -
Fin; F(SKA) - Swe; A(Lon) - Yor; F(NTH) s FRENCH A(Lpl) - Edi
ITALY (Mog Firth): F(ADS)
s FRENCH A(Pie) - Ven; A(Rom) s FRENCH A(Pie) - Ven
RUSSIA
(Robin ap Cynan - NMR!): A(StP) Stands
TURKEY
(Ian Pringle): A(Bul) - Rum (FAILED); F(Con) - Bul sc (FAILED); F(ION) - TYS;
F(AEG) - ION; A(Mos) Stands; A(Ukr) Stands; F(Gre) Stands
Deadline is November
20 - Remember: Orders go to Stephen Agar!!!
Deviant Dip II –
“Black Licorice” – 2009Brc08 – Winter 1902
I will list any snowball hit points after
each unit from this point forward
Drance (Jim Burgess
– jfburgess “of” gmail.com with Don Williams ordering units): Waives one build.
Has Picardy, Gulf
of Lyon, Burgundy (1), Spain, Marseilles, Sardinia.
England (Russell
Blau – russblau “of” imapmail.org): Builds Wales (1), Edinburgh..Also has Belgium, Holland, Irish Sea, English Channel, Norway, Ireland.
Snowball throws:
Iri-Wal-Lon-Nth-Den-Bal-Lvn-Mos (Hits Wal)
Ire-Nao (Hits NAO)
Eng-Bre-Par-Bur (Hits Bur) 4 style points
Bel-Ruh-Mun-Sil-Gal
Hol-Ruh-Mun-Boh-Vie-Bud
Nwy-Ska-Den-Kie (Hits Kie) 4 style points
8 Total
Style Points = 1 Extra Vote next turn
Verminy (Pete
Gaughan – raptormage “of” astound.net): No builds received, plays 2 short. Has Berlin,
Moscow (1), Rome (1), Kiel (1), North Atlantic
(1).
Italy (John David
Galt – jdg “of” diogenes.sacramento.ca.us): Has Adriatic Sea, Tuscany,
Tyrrhenian Sea,
Ionian Sea (2), Sicily (1).
Snowballs Throws
Adriatic Sea -> Venice -> Rome
Ionian Sea -> Naples -> Rome
Sicily -> Tyrrhenian Sea
-> Rome (Hits Rome)
Tuscany -> Venice ->
Tyrolia -> Munich -> Kiel
Tyrrhenian Sea goes indoors.
Austria (John Walker - jwalker150 “of”
hotmail.com):
No retreats or build submitted. Greece
and Galicia
retreat OTB, plays 2 short..Has Serbia (1),
Budapest, Trieste.
Nussia (Mark D Lew –
markdlew “of” earthlink.net): Builds M Livonia (1)..Also has Gascony, Cyprus Air,
Sweden, Galicia, Warsaw, Sevastopol, Corsica.
Snowball Throws
- Gas-Bur-Mun-Sil-War-Mos
- Swe-GoB-Lvn-Mos (Hits Lvn)
- Gal-Ukr-Mos
- War-Mos
- Sev-Mos (Hits Mos)
Turkey (Jason
Bergmann – jasonbergmann “of” gmail.com): Builds Ankara, Smyrna..Also has Greece,
Aegean, Crete, Rumania,
Eastern Med.
Snowball Throws
1. Crete - Ionian - Sicily – Tyrrhenian
2. Greece - Ionian - Sicily – Tyrrhenian (Hits
Ionian)
3. Aegean - Ionian - Sicily – Tyrrhenian (Hits Ionian)
4. Eastern Med - Ionian - Sicily – Tyrrhenian (Hits Sicily)
5. Rumania – Ser - Tri - Adriatic - Venice -
Tuscany - Tyrrhenian – Corsica (Hits Ser)
Now comes Rule #38 – Scrambled Eggs. Remember, each player needs to choose which
three of their supply centers will be build centers (Nussia can choose four
centers). I will randomly select build
centers if anyone does not choose on their own.
This will actually result in a reduction in the number of build
centers, although each player has the same number of supply centers. Also Cyprus Air retains the same destination
as it had previously, even though it will be moved. The unit positions and supply centers are
listed below, as well as the updated map.
Drance (Jim Burgess
– jfburgess “of” gmail.com with Don Williams ordering units): Has St. Petersburg,
Serbia (1), Munich, Ukraine, Cyprus, Gulf of
Lyon.
England (Russell
Blau – russblau “of” imapmail.org): Has Wales, Black Sea (1), Ankara, North Sea, Galicia,
Spain, Ionian Sea, Trieste.
Verminy (Pete
Gaughan – raptormage “of” astound.net): Has Moscow, Bulgaria (1), Picardy (1),
North Africa (1), North Atlantic (1).
Italy (John David
Galt – jdg “of” diogenes.sacramento.ca.us): Has Paris, Kiel, Baltic Sea, Syria
(2),
Norway (1).
Austria (John Walker - jwalker150 “of”
hotmail.com):
Has Sevastopol (1), Portugal, Norwegian Sea.
Nussia (Mark D Lew –
markdlew “of” earthlink.net): Has Gascony (1), Mid Atlantic, Ruhr Air, Sweden, Warsaw, Smyrna, Budapest, Tuscany.
Turkey (Jason
Bergmann – jasonbergmann “of” gmail.com): Has Finland, Aegean, Rome, Brest, Tunis,
Western Med, Edinburgh.
New Supply Center Chart
Drance Ankara, Warsaw, Belgium, Ireland,
Crete, Brest, Portugal=7
England Paris,
Smyrna, Sevastopol, Munich, Norway, Iceland, Trieste, Rome=8
Verminy Greece,
Vienna, London, Liverpool, Moscow, Spain, Sicily=7
Italy Serbia, Budapest, Naples, Edinburgh,
Denmark=5
Austria Cyprus, Venice, Marseilles, Holland,
Armenia=5
Nussia Tyrolia, Sardinia, Rumania, Piedmont,
Kiel, Wales, Livonia, Berlin=8
Turkey Constantinople, Corsica, Prussia, Bulgaria,
Sweden, Tunis, St. Petersburg=7
RP’s (Rule #21): John Walker - 1; Russell
Blau - 2; Jim Burgess - 4; Pete Gaughan - 0; John David Galt - 2; Mark D Lew - 3;
Jason Bergmann - 2.
Official Standby
Players, as needed:
Jack McHugh (jwmchughjr “of” gmail.com),
Hugh Polley (hapolley “of” yahoo.ca).
I am
calling Hugh Polley to stand by for Verminy.
If Pete is going to continue playing, I ask that he submit preliminary
orders of some sort as soon as possible, so that Hugh doesn’t spend a lot of
time on the game unnecessarily. As John
Walker did submit proposals, I will not call a standby for him yet.
Spring 1903 Deadline is November 23rd at 7:00pm my time
This turn will include moves, proposals, build center
declarations, and votes!
New
Rule Proposals:
Rule #36
- In Democracy Flagrante (Reproposed by Russell Blau): After
all other rules are resolved, the number of votes permitted by each player is
doubled.
Rule #39 – Still
More Deviant (Proposed by John David Galt): Rule proposals may now be made in Fall seasons as well as Winter
and Spring. Similarly, voting takes place in all three
seasons.
Rule #40 - Wormholes (Proposed by John David Galt): Players may no longer
submit retreat orders. Instead, every dislodged unit is treated as if it
had been ordered to retreat to a random space on the board, to be determined by
the GM. The unit may move there regardless of whether the spaces are
adjacent. However, units that attempt to retreat to an occupied space, or
one that was left adjacent by a bounce on that turn, are disbanded as in
regular Diplomacy.
Rule #41 - Votes as Currency (Proposed by Jason Bergmann): During
Spring and Fall turns, votes may be spent as follows:
(1) One vote to support a unit in place.
(2) Two votes to support any unit's move.
(3) Three votes to garrison a controlled supply center. A garrisoned
supply center has an intrinsic defensive strength of one if the area is
unoccupied. A garrison is destroyed if any other player's unit occupies
the garrisoned space.
(4) Five votes to buy one Rule Point.
These expenditures are in addition to those that are provided by other rules.
Rule #42 - Collapsing Wormholes (Proposed by Jason Bergmann): Each
"wormhole" (i.e., adjacency between any two spaces that are
not adjacent on the map published in Eternal Sunshine), immediately collapse
after any unit successfully moves through it. All other wormholes that
touch either of those two spaces also immediately collapse. No additional
movement is allowed through a collapsed wormhole. For each successful
move that causes one ore more wormholes to collapse, the moving player will
receive 0.5 Rule Points. (Fractional rule points do not round up.)
The adjacencies created by Rules 14, 17 and 22 are non-geographic adjacencies
and qualify as wormholes. The adjacencies created by Rules 15 and 23 are
geographic adjacencies and do not qualify as wormholes. With each game
result, the GM shall publish an alphabetical list of all non-collapsed
wormholes. This rule does not apply retroactively.
Rule #43 - Evening
the Odds (Proposed by Russell Blau): All odd-numbered rules adopted before this one are
repealed. This only applies to rules adopted by the players, not the original
Deviant II rules.
Rule #44 - It's 2 a.m., boys. Time to go home
(Proposed by Mark D Lew): If at
the end of the fall 1910 turn no player has achieved victory, the game ends and
Heather Taylor is declared the winner.
Rule #45 - Return to (Relative) Normalcy
(Proposed by Mark D Lew): Now that we are completely scrambled, the board
returns to normal and we try to regain our sanity:
Units, center ownership, and home centers remain as determined by the Egg Scrambling. Board adjacences return to normal
(reversing the effects of Continent-Wide Web, Habsburg Relocation, and Teleport
Gates). The island spaces are still passable dots but with normal board
adjacences only (including Cor-Sar and Nap-Sic). Upper and Lower River still
exist, treated as ordinary sea spaces adjacent to Belgium
and London respectively and to each other.
Jim Burgess and Don Williams still control
Drance's votes and moves as currently specified, but any other deviant business
related to them is repealed, as are the rules extending Deviant influence to
other games in the zeen (ie, #31 and #32).
All marines become armies or fleets (army if in a landlocked space, fleet if in
a sea space, randomly chosen otherwise). Any
marine currently in the air continues its flight as a marine but then reverts
to army or fleet once it lands. No new marines may be built. Any barbarian
horde currently existing continues as such until destroyed, but the rule is
repealed with regard to new barbarians. Any unit currently invisible remains so
until revealed, but the rule is repealed with regard to new invisibility. (That
is, #8, #19, and #28 are no longer in effect once their current alterations
expire.)
Other rules (ie, #1, #16, #21, #34) remain in effect.
In re-establishing normalcy, this rule does not override any new abnormalcies
(eg, adjacences) passed simultaneously.
Rule #46
- Dulcinae Runs Wild (Proposed by Jim Burgess): All
Dulcinae players now control their units fully in both Dulcinae and Dulcinea II
and may give different orders on each board. Dulcinae players NMRing in
Dulcinae II/Black Licorice will still give the same orders they provided in
Dulcinae. All units and centers in Dulcinea II now count for Black
Licorice votes. If players control countries and units in both games,
these are kept separate for purposes of all rules and voting. Note that
the Premise of Rule #25 makes Jim-Bob ineligible to push units in Black
Licorice and its other games. Thus, once this passes, Jim-Bob may NOT
move his units on Dulcinae II any more since those units are now active Black
Licorice units. Instead, Don Williams will be called upon to make those
moves for Jim-Bob's Turkish position.
Rule #47
- Full Eternal Sunshine Takeover (Proposed by Jim Burgess): All
rules passed each turn in Black Licorice (not retroactive) are automatically
proposed in all Eternal Sunshine games where they can possibly take
effect. Votes are conducted by the GM, announced in the following Eternal
Sunshine, and then take effect (thus they take effect one season/one issue
following the one where they take effect in Black Licorice). Note that
votes not received count as a yes, only vetoes can stop Black Licorice rules
from taking effect.
Rule #48
- Player Switch Rule (Proposed by John Walker): After
every turn the player with the most centers will now become the player with the
least and each person in succession with every person switching places.
Rule #49
- The Rules Proposal (Proposed by John Walker):
Every rule proposed from here on out is automatically passed by consent and no
objections can be filed. After 2 years the rule is null and void and no
longer applicable. This rule applies to every rule already passed.
This rule is exempt from its own requirements.
Passed
Rule Proposals:
Rule #1 - More Deviant Rule (Proposed by Jason Bergmann).
Paragraphs (5), (7), and (8) of the Deviant Diplomacy II variant rules are
repealed and replaced with the following:
(1) Every Winter and Spring season, each starting player who
controlled at least one supply center at the end of the previous Fall season
may propose up to two rule changes. Such players may choose to submit
fewer than two rule proposals without consequence.
(2) Every Winter and Spring season, each starting player who
controlled no supply centers at the end of the previous Fall season may propose
up to one rule change. Such players may choose to submit no rule
proposals without consequence.
(3) Every Spring and Fall season, each starting player has a
number of votes equal to one plus the number of supply centers the starting
player controlled at the end of the previous Fall season.
(4) Players may vote yes or no. Players may cast all of
their votes for or against any one rule proposal, or players can split yes and
no votes among multiple rule proposals. Players' votes are published.
(5) A no vote on any rule proposal cancels a yes vote. The
rule proposal receiving the most net yes votes goes into effect beginning the
next season. If more than one rule proposal tie for the most net yes
votes, then all tied rules go into effect beginning the next season. The
rule proposal (or proposals) will go into effect even if the net yes votes are
zero or negative.
(6) In addition to any rule proposals that go into effect under
paragraph (5), additional rule proposals may also go into effect beginning the
next season, if such proposals receive one or more net yes votes and if such
proposals do not receive no votes from at least two different players.
(7) If two or more rule proposals would go into effect on the same
turn but conflict explicitly or implicitly with each other, then both rules are
null and void.
(8) The phrase "starting player" refers to the seven
players who started this game, plus any standby player who succeeds the
position of a starting player in this game. The word "player"
includes all starting players and all other persons who enter the game as a
result of the passage of additional rules.
(9) This rule may be amended or repealed only by any rule proposal
going into effect under paragraph (5). Any rule proposal going into
effect under paragraph (6) that amends or repeals this rule, or which conflicts
explicitly or implicitly with the terms of this rule, will have no effect.
Rule #8 - "Barbarian Hordes, or the Excess
Profits Tax." (Proposed by John David Galt). When any
power captures three or more supply centers (which he did not already own) in a
single fall season, neutral armies known as "Barbarian Hordes" are
immediately built in half of those centers (rounded down), selected at random
by the GM. This happens before the owner can build.
Once at least one Barbarian Horde exists on the board, player(s) may spend any
or all of their rule votes to attempt to give an order to a Barbarian
Horde. Each Horde follows the order to it that gets the most votes.
If a Horde receives no orders, it is in disorder and holds.
If two or more orders to a Horde get the same number of votes, the tied orders
are cancelled and Horde obeys the non-tied order with the most votes, even if
that is a smaller number of votes than the tied orders got.
Barbarian Hordes are amphibious -- they can move to any land space as if they
were armies, and to any water space as if they were fleets. They cannot
convoy or be convoyed. They can support and be supported. They cannot
retreat, and are destroyed if dislodged -- but that is the only way to destroy
them, because they do not need supply.
If a Barbarian Horde occupies a supply center after a Fall turn, that center
becomes unowned. However, a newly built Barbarian Horde does not affect
the ownership of its starting location in the Fall turn in which it is built.
When a Barbarian Horde is built, the unit which captured that space is destroyed
(thus allowing the owner to rebuild it normally in the Winter turn immediately
afterward, if he holds enough centers).
Rule #13 – “The Duck
Escapes Rule” (Proposed by Don Williams): Due to inept
leadership, poor press writing, and insufficient cerebral bandwidth the French
Republic under Don “Le Duc” Guillaume is swept away in a monstrously effective
coup d’etat. A new government and extremely popular government – to be
headed by the extraordinarily handsome, exceptionally erudite, and
press-prolific James “Le Burgess du L’Isle du Rhodes” Burgess – is immediately
installed. Tragically, as “Le Duc” is dragged straightforward to the
guillotine for his just come-uppance, he is permanently unavailable to be
re-called into this travesty of a dip game.
Rule #14 - Duck Williams Heart of Darkness Rule (Proposed by Jim
Burgess): While Don Williams may be "out of the
game" one can never be OUT of this game. Two new Provinces in Africa
are created by this rule, accessed from Belgium (for obvious reasons) and
London. Belgium now also is attached to the Upper River province, which
in turn is attached to the Lower River Province, which in turn is attached to
London. Only Fleets may enter this "river pathway" between
London and Belgium, convoys may be made through it if two fleets are in it.
The first fleet entering this pathway is forever afterward dubbed
"Marlow's Steamship" (again for obvious reasons) and that player
shall then document to the GM (via CC or other means) E-Mails, phone calls,
text messages, Facebook/Twitter postings etc. to Don Williams where they
say "The horror, the horror!" Besides driving Don nuts,
Marlow's Steamship shall never be able to be dislodged or removed in the game
(regardless of whether it has a supporting supply center) as long as the GM (in
his infinite wisdom of how to bug people) views that the owner of Marlow's
Steamship has sufficiently bugged Don that month. [[For the basis of this rule “fleet” now
refers to “marine unit.”]]
Rule #15 - Habsburg Relocation Act (Proposed by Mark
D. Lew): Besieged by enemies on all
sides, the Habsburg emperor pleads to Heaven for delivierance! Heaven answers,
and the core of the empire is removed from Europe and transplanted to a
paradise island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
The four spaces of Vie, Bud, Tri, and Ser are transplanted: They are no longer
adjacent to Boh, Gal, Rum, Bul, Gre, Alb, Adr, Ven, or Tyo. They are each
adjacent to Mid (and thus have a coast now). They retain their normal adjacency
with respect to each other. Any units currently occupying those spaces are
transplanted with them. The area where those spaces used to be is now a large
impassable void. [[Vie, Bud, Tri, and Ser will
each have only one coast, and will still be known by their original names.]]
Rule #16 - Drench the Vermin! (Proposed
by Mark D. Lew): France, Russia and Germany are renamed Drance, Nussia, and
Verminy. Whenever reporting game results, GM must list countries in the
following order: Drance, England, Verminy, Italy, Austria, Nussia, Turkey.
Rule #17 - "Teleport Gates" (Proposed by
John David Galt): The North Atlantic becomes
adjacent to the Eastern Med. The Gulf of
Bothnia becomes adjacent to the Western Med.
Galicia becomes adjacent to Burgundy.
Rule #19 – “Marines” (Proposed
by John Walker): All units are made into units called Marines. Marines
can move on Land, Water or by Air. Marines
have no movement restrictions if by air.
Air Movement takes 2 turns to complete, either a spring-fall or a
fall-spring. [[By this rule, there are no
longer convoys. Coasts are no longer
necessary to specify, as the Marine units may move by land and sea. Movements by air must be specified as “by
air” or “via air.” Destinations of air
movements will not be revealed to the rest of the board until the 2nd
turn, although the player MUST specify the destination with the original order;
if you order Moscow – Paris via air, the first adjudication will merely state
Moscow – Moscow Air. The next
adjudication will report Moscow Air – Paris.
If the landing fails due to a bounce or other interference, the unit returns
to the original location the following movement season. However, if unable to land at the location of
origin because of a bounce or because it is occupied, the Marine which had
attempted the air movement is destroyed, crashing due to lack of fuel. Once a unit is in the air, the space it used
to occupy can be immediately occupied.
In the above example, Moscow would be considered unoccupied immediately,
so an uncontested move of Ukraine – Moscow would succeed even if ordered in the
same season as Moscow – Moscow Air.]]
Rule #21 - "It's All About the Rules" Rule
(Proposed by Russell Blau): Beginning
with the season this rule goes into effect, each player (as defined in the More
Deviant Rule) receives one Rule Point (RP) for each rule proposed by that
player that goes into effect. For every season in which voting takes
place, each player receives one vote for each RP they hold, in addition to all
votes provided for in other rules. Clause (9) of the Deviant Diplomacy II rules
is repealed. The Victory Condition for this game is to control a majority of
the awarded RPs, provided that no player can win the game until the total
number of RPs awarded is greater than one-half the number of supply centers in
existence.
Rule #22 - "Continent-Wide Web version 2.0"
(Proposed by Russell Blau): Every passable
space on the map is adjacent to the spaces immediately before and after it in
alphabetical order. The list wraps around, so Yorkshire is adjacent to Adriatic
Sea, and vice versa. All new coastlines created by this rule are considered to
be contiguous to existing coastlines -- so, for example, a fleet that enters
Yorkshire from the Adriatic can exist to the North Sea, and vice versa -- and
new land boundaries created by this rule do not interrupt any existing
coastlines. Each space's name is alphabetized based on how it is printed on the
official map on the copy of The Game used by the GM. In addition, at the end of
the Fall 1902 season, the GM will randomly select one land space for each
power, from among all land spaces within that power's 1901 boundaries that is
(a) not a supply center and (b) not occupied by any unit, which will
immediately become a buildable home supply center for that power. [[In effect, the new adjacencies are “worm
hole” passages, because they do not change any other aspects of the board. St. Petersburg is considered to be spelled
out as Saint. I haven’t found any, but
if someone discovers before next turn that this rule contradicts Rule #15 by
making Vie, Tri, Ser, or Bud adjacent again
to any of their original neighbors, then both rules are null and void by Rule
#1 clause 7. As I mentioned, I haven’t
found that to be the case, but I could be wrong. If no such contradiction is pointed out to me
by the next deadline, both rules stand regardless.]]
Rule #23 – “Island grabbing” (Proposed by Jason Bergmann):
Effective immediately: Iceland is a German Home Center containing
a German Fleet; Ireland is an English Home Center containing an English
fleet; Corsica is an Austrian Home Center containing an
Austrian Fleet; Sardinia is a French Home Center containing a French
Fleet; Sicily is an Italian Home Center containing an Italian army; Crete is a
Turkish Home Center Containing a Turkish Fleet; Cyprus is a Russian Home Center
containing a Russian fleet. All such spaces are now passable.
The Eternal Sunshine map shall be used to determine what other spaces to which
they are adjacent. In addition, Sicily and Naples are adjacent to
each other, and Corsica and Sardinia are adjacent to each other. [[“Fleet” now refers to “Mariine.”]]
Rule #25
- The Boob Says Nay and Ducks (Proposed by Jim Burgess): Jim-Bob
has NO interest in actually playing this game, so he gives control of all
the units back to Don "The Duck" Williams. So as to
meet the criteria of the previously passed "unlucky" Rule 13, Don is
NOT actually re-called into the game. He just has to control all the
units. The Boob will retain all the voting and rule-proposing rights that
are the only reason anyone would actually want to play this insane game and
define who the actual players are. If this rule passes, the Boob (aka
Jim-Bob) can never push a piece, order a unit, or any other order writing
construct that anyone cares to propose for any power for the rest of the game. [[Don Williams will now be called on to
submit movement orders for French units.]]
Rule #28 - Invisibility
Spells (Proposed by John David Galt): Each Spring or Fall turn, each player may spend one of his rule
votes to cause one of his units to become invisible. The unit will act
normally in all respects, but its location, and any orders to it, will be known
only to its owner and the GM. Invisibility takes effect immediately --
before the adjudication of orders on the same turn in which it is cast -- and
only ends if the unit, at the end of any turn, is in a supply center which did
not belong to the unit's owner at the beginning of that turn. (On that
turn its location is revealed but the order, if any, it received that turn is
not.) Neighboring units affected by the invisible unit will know whether
their orders succeeded or not, but will not be told why.
Rule #31
- Take over the Dulcinea (Proposed by Jim Burgess): As
soon as this is passed (i.e. in the same issue), a "Dulcinae II"
board is created with all the players and unit positions of the Dulcinae
game. All of the Dulcinae players control their units on the Dulcinae II
board as well as the original board, but initially (until modified by future
rules in this game) cannot issue orders any differently from in Dulcinae I,
their submitted orders are also executed on Dulcinae II. Every Fall turn,
each player on the Black Licorice board randomly will have one of its units
cloned onto the Dulcinae II board in the same location and it annihilates any
existing Dulcinae II unit in that space. If the randomly chosen unit is
in a "new space", the entire rule creating that space will also be
transferred to the Dulcinae II board -- otherwise all rules on the Dulcinae
board are as in Standard Diplomacy (at least for now). These units have
one free game year, the unit does not have to be in a supply center to stay on
the Dulcinae II board, but after that must support themselves by taking centers
on the Dulcinae II board, centers are counted separately on each board. [[This
rule doesn’t actually take effect until ES #34, but since this rule does not do
anything to the “Dulcinae II” game until the Fall turn (which I have decided
to rule refers to the Fall turn in Black Licorice since Jim was not
specific) it makes no difference whether it starts right now or not.]]
Rule #32
- Take over Eternal Sunshine (Proposed by Jim Burgess): Rules
proposed in Black Licorice can have real effects on other games in Eternal
Sunshine. If this rule passes and subsequent Black Licorice rules pass
that affect other games, the GM/Publisher shall poll players in those games as
to whether the Deviant rule shall take effect. Any veto by any player in
the "real" Eternal Sunshine game invalidates the Black Licorice rule
for that game (rules proposed to affect multiple ES games can thus actually
only affect a subset of those games). These rules can be re-proposed, but
can cause the GM to poll players in any given Eternal Sunshine game no more
than once per Eternal Sunshine issue.
Rule #34 - Snowball
fighting! (Proposed by Mark D. Lew): During each winter season, each
unit on the board may throw a snowball at any other unit on the board. When
ordering throws, the player should specify a path of adjacent spaces, starting
with the space occupied by the thrower and ending with the space of the target.
(For snowball purposes, use adjacencies per the original map, ignoring any
changes in game geography due to deviant rules. A snowball's path may include
an impassable space such as Switzerland.) The
path must be reasonably straight, as if drawing a straight line from somewhere
in the one space to somewhere in the other, but will be judged generously if it
seems close enough. If a path is clearly not straight, GM may either designate
a new path with the same start and end space or else disqualify the throw as
too preposterous.
Each snowball throw has a 1/N chance of hitting its target, where N is the
length of the path including start and end spaces. It also has 1/N chance of
hitting any unit in an intervening space along the path. Snowball throws are
ordered with winter builds, but they are resolved after builds. Newly built
units may neither throw nor be targeted, but they might be hit if they end up
in an intervening path along a throw. Units about to be disbanded may throw or
be targeted before they go, but they won't be around to get hit.
For each successful throw of length N=3 or more, the throwing player scores N
style points. No style points are scored for hitting a unit other than the
target, and no style points are scored for a throw of N=2. A player who scores
eight or more style points in a turn gets one additional vote on rule proposals
the following season. (Style points are not cumulative, and any number less
than eight garners no voting benefit.)
Snowball hits taken by a unit are cumulative and tracked from year to year.
During the winter season, any unit may, instead of throwing a snowball, be
ordered to go inside and dry off. It takes no hits that winter and its
cumulative total of hits is restored to zero. For each unit ordered to go
inside and dry off, a player gets -5 style points that winter.
Any unit which suffers 20 snowball hits is considered pummeled and is treated
as if in civil disorder for the rest of the game. It may not move or support
during spring and fall turns. It also may not throw snowballs nor go inside
during winter. [[As the rule does not specify, a
player MAY hit his own units with a snowball.
Also, once a snowball hits a unit, it stops its trajectory; so you can
only hit one unit with each throw, and if you hit one along the path it never
reaches the destination. And to be
clear, the chance for a hit is not variable; if you throw where N=5, the spaces
along the way with units have a 1/5 chance of being hit, regardless of how far
from the initial throwing space they are.]]
Rule #38 - Scrambled Eggs (Proposed by Jason Bergmann):
At the end of Winter 1902, after builds, all units will be redistributed
randomly among all passable spaces. Armies landing in water will become
fleets. Fleets landing in non-coastal land spaces will become
armies. In addition, supply centers will be redistributed among all
players. After such redistribution, each player will have the
same number of supply centers, but such centers will be randomly chosen.
In Spring 1903, each player may designate three of his supply centers to be
home centers. (Russia may designate four) [[All units are now Marines, so
the changes from army to fleet and vice versa are to be ignored.]]
PRESS:
England to Vermany: Thank you for the kind offer of your excellent selection of
beers, but we are not ready to surrender to you just yet. We'd like to sample
a little of that Nussian Vodka first.
Boob to
His Recalcitrant Commander: Look, Duck, you're the one who joined
this game in the first place. Now start pushing the blocks!!! You
think you're cute by "choosing to hold". The horror, the
horror!
Boob to
Dork; Can I dork you??
Boob to
Dork: If you're in doubt as to whether you actually in fact, ARE a
dork, then of course you are.
Boob to
Prospective Marlow's Steamship: Russell, avoiding your
destiny does nothing to stop its inevitable occurrence. Get into the
River now or get the heck out of the way!!!
This is the All-Powerful
EFGIATR: Prepare to be scrambled!
Nussia to GM: Dude, onion booty is
awesome. No way that is an embarrassing revelation. That's flaunting it.
Boob to
Sirius: There is no such thing as being too sirius in this game, go
ahead and try.
Boob to
Dougie Boy: Any feedback from the ES peanut gallery, are they shaking
in their boots, or are they just all planning to be party poopers and veto the
Black Licorice rules??
GM – Boob: The little
feedback I’ve gotten suggests nothing in this game will ever affect any of the
others.
Ireland to North Atlantic
Ocean: Duck!
Duck to Ireland: What?
Black
Press Gunboat, “Maple Sugar,” 2009Crb32, W 01/S 02
Austria: Build A Vienna. A Galicia – Budapest, A
Serbia - Trieste (*Bounce*), F Trieste – Albania,
A
Vienna - Trieste (*Bounce*).
England: Build F London. F London – Wales, F North
Sea Supports A Norway, A Norway Hold,
F
Norwegian Sea - Barents Sea.
France: NMR, plays 1 short.. A Belgium U, F
English Channel U, A Ruhr U (*Dislodged*, ret Bur or OTB).
A
standby will be called.
Germany: Build A Kiel, A Munich. A Denmark Hold, F
Helgoland Bight Supports A Holland,
A
Holland Supports A Kiel – Ruhr, A Kiel – Ruhr, A Munich Supports A Kiel - Ruhr.
Italy: F Ionian Sea - Greece (*Bounce*),
A Rome – Venice, A Tyrolia - Bohemia.
Russia: Build F Sevastopol, Build A Moscow. A
Moscow - St Petersburg, F Rumania - Black Sea,
F
Sevastopol Supports F Rumania - Black Sea, A St Petersburg – Finland, F Sweden
Hold, A Ukraine - Rumania.
Turkey: Build F Smyrna.
F
Black Sea Supports A Constantinople - Bulgaria (*Dislodged*, ret Ankara,
Armenia, OTB),
A
Bulgaria - Greece (*Bounce*), A Constantinople - Bulgaria (*Fails*),
F Smyrna - Aegean Sea.
Fall 1902 Deadline is November 24th 2009 at 7:00am my time
PRESS:
Austria: Russia moved to Rum with a fleet so we are buddies, and
gal did not move on War. Italy is now at war with Austria so long as Tyr is
occupied. Turkey: take Greece with a Fleet and I
will support same unless of course I get there first. If I do gain Gre
you have my word it will not attack a Turkish unit. Germany!
Any support you can lend against Tyr will be returned in kind should shoe be on
other foot. Italy remove your unit from Tyr, have ION s Alb-Gre and our
War is over. France want Rome Napl, if you
built fleet Mar Italy is toast. AH moves ser-tri, gal-bud, tri-alb.
Russia-Austria: So
sorry, dear friend I thought you were trying to kill me. Let us dine in Ankara!
death to Turkey!!!!
Russia-Italy: you are not my enemy
nor my friend. alliance is possible if you so desire it.
T ->
R: My F was sent to the Black Sea in the hope of a stand-off with
your F Sev. I have not intention to attack Rum or any of your home scs.
Russia-Germany: I have
not spoke with you often yet an alliance is open if you desire it.
Eng -> Fra: I'm just being a bit paranoid - but I sure hope we didn't
bounce!
Russia-Turkey: im sorry but u do not
seem willing to ally yet the option is still open. For now though... i will try
to kill you.
Austria
to Sou: What the hell does 'Sou' stand for? I am not making demands
on any power except for the one power attacking AH territory. Notice I
did not try to grab War or Bul by asking for Russian support. Notice Gal
and Ser did not gang up on Rum. It would be nice to take gre for a much
needed build but I do not demand it from Turkey. I look to co-operate
with my peaceful neighbours not make war on them.
Germany to France: I could not allow the Ruhr intrusion.
Russia-Britain: what
is this? regardless of Germany and France you still come after me? im sorry but friendship
is not likely to occur.
T-> E: You
have still a long way in front of you...
Russia-France: Yes let’s
"discuss"!!! An alliance is open if you so desire it.
Germany to World: Mutual respect to all.
Austria
to Turkey: I would never dream of declaring war on such a powerful corner
position, were on earth did you get that idea. I just want to hold on as
long as possible that means army Greece must be resisted; you want to stick a
Fleet there, no problem. Like other players; bribing you to turn
your guns on some other power say Russia or Italy, whom
may somehow manage to stalemate you, is my only hope. A bribe,
let’s see; Turkey gets Tun, Nap; Austria Gree, Ven, Rome!
I could live with that.
By
Popular Demand
Credit goes to Ryk Downes, I believe, for
inventing this. The goal is to pick
something that fits the category and will be the "most popular"
answer. You score points based on the number of entries that match yours. For
example, if the category is "Cats" and the responses were 7 for
Persian, 3 for Calico and 1 for Siamese, everyone who said Persian would get 7
points, Calico 3 and the lone Siamese would score 1 point. The cumulative total
over 10 rounds will determine the overall winner. Anyone may enter at any
point, starting with an equivalent point total of the lowest cumulative score
from the previous round. If a person misses a round, they'll receive the
minimum score from the round added to their cumulative total. In
each round you may specify one of your answers as your Joker answer. Your
score for this answer will be doubled.
In other words, if you apply your Joker to category 3 on a given turn,
and 4 other people give the same answer as you, you get 10 points instead of 5. Players who fail to submit a Joker for any
specific turn will have their Joker automatically applied to the first
category. And, if you want to submit some commentary with your answers, feel
free to. The game will consist of 10
rounds. A prize will be awarded to the
winner. Research is permitted!
Round 1 Categories
